"It's Complicated"

[nickdevilance]

I'll have you know, I don't blame you. I don't feel cheated, I don't feel betrayed. Responsible. Yeah, I feel that; I feel like if I had just called more often, walked over to yours or took you over to mine, made that extra effort to prove to you just how much you mean to me...well, we wouldn't be in this mess. I feel like it's my fault, that I put a distance between us: that I gave you the opportunity to see him more than you saw me. But I love you. More than I have loved most other people, and I can safely say that I always will. I know it's over, it won't work anyway, I'm too old, you're too far away, different worlds, different lives, I know that it's better this way. I understand. Just, right now there is this part of me that feels like someone is running a jack hammer into my heart, wearing down a hole that won't ever be filled. Gramms and Sis say it will get better. "New school, new friends, new chances." But you're my first--can I pull a major cliché and say you're my first love?--and that is something important. Whatever the theory is with that "time heals" crap and that saying: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," I just hope that Tennyson was right and that I'll be able to move on with time. But make no mistake, I'll always have this. The memories that I have of my time spent with you are sacred treasures. Prom was a highlight--you were so beautiful that you made me feel beautiful too--but also the little things. Hanging out in yearbook, laughing over silly fanfiction, how I hog the bed--sorry! ^_^--those things make me smile. I am damn lucky and glad to have them, so happy that we shared those things at least.

So yeah, it's complicated, it's not going to work, end it now before we hurt each other. I understand. I love you.