sense of doubt

[nickboy]

I'm on the worst schedule in the world again. I guess that comes from having nothing burning in the back of my brain saying "YOU MUST GO TO BED RIGHT THIS SECOND OR YOU WILL NOT GET ENOUGH SLEEP BECAUSE YOU MUST WAKE UP NO LATER THAN THIS TIME TOMORROW MORNING" in combination with adhering to the mostly nocturnal stylings of my only two human

Comments

Re: Neuköln

[nickboy]

The reason I took you off my friends list is not because you remain friends with S and Brandy - as evidenced by the fact that I didn't remove Abby or Jon. (Or, God, Ashley, which I would never do.) I took you off because I was choosing to remove that whole situation (which I knew I had never had the power to make better and never would have the power to make better) from my life, and because you disappointed me. We don't really know each other and so most of my opinion about you has always been speculative based on the bits I get here or there, from your posts and your comments and from other people who know you better. I'm not angry at you, my opinion of you just changed based on learning more, or what seemed to be learning more. I wouldn't have pegged you to participate so wholeheartedly in that public dramarama, and I wouldn't have pegged you to make backseat psychoanalyses of people you know virtually nothing about other than what an angry person has told you firsthand. But you did and I accept that - I just don't have any use for it. I know you said that all you did was consider one side of it and that if I gave you a side you would consider that, too, but I'm not playing that game. I don't believe in carrying on that kind of interpersonal strife in public. If you wanted to know you could have emailed me, but you didn't, and so I can only assume that you didn't want to know. That's really fine, it just means that I've learned something new about you and I'm filing it away with everything else I know and I'm proceeding accordingly.

Working things out with people who are angry and hurt and in pain should go on _between_ those people and anyone else involved - not in public, and I honestly question the motives of anyone who feels they must do that sort of thing where a million of their closest friends can follow every detail and cheer and boo when they think it's appropriate. I don't give a shit who cheers or who boos, all I care about is how I conduct myself and whether or not I can be proud of that.

You deserved some explanation of why I defriended you and there it is. As for you defriending me - I don't have any particular desire for you to do that. I deliberately cut a malignant mass out of my life, and as long as you're not planning on bringing that back in, you're welcome to stay.

It's an odd thing...

[catalina_voice]

... that my stating an observation to Brandy on LJ is "participating in a public dramarama" while your stating yours to me is not. I feel sad that I "disappointed" you, but I have no apology to offer. I stand by my view that my "backseat psychoanalyses" were in fact one simple observation based on what I witnessed between Saul & Brandy. (In fact, it was Saul's "public" statements on her journal that were the most convincing.) I still consider the beyond-friendly-roommates intimacy between Saul & Sarah, and how this affected Brandy, to be obvious and undeniable, but then there is of course no underestimating what people will deny.

I never stated a view of you as related to Brandy, though I certainly could have, if I'd wanted to participate or get involved that way.

When one speaks, one wants to be heard. I see nothing inherently wrong with that. When someone feels wronged by someone within their community, they want their community to witness their experience. There were no "million" people watching, but there were indeed witnesses, and sometimes that is necessary. I don't see that you were deprived of speaking your own view or that anyone did anything to you that would justify a charge of libel or slander. For myself, I think I gave you more benefit of the doubt than I would have given almost anyone else. I knew Brandy was very upset and acting from one side of her "pendulum," as I have discussed with her openly. I also didn't want you to be further alienated from another person who cared about you (me on top of S & Brandy). I certainly don't spend all my time with Brandy cheering her or shoring up her ego. I've been able to be honest with her, because she is interested in honest feedback.

Thanks for letting me know why you took me off your friends list. It didn't make that much sense to me, since you never read my LJ or showed any interest in being my friend that way. I think that imbalance was more acceptable to me when I felt there was some basis of understanding between us. I don't want to persist in this connection while you're feeling victimized by me in some way. If you change your mind at some point and wish to be LJ friends again, let me know. (I'm notoriously bad at noticing -- in a timely manner -- who's added or subtracted me.)

I wish you the best. I hope you get what you want in life.

Good luck, especially with your writing.