Here we go again...
My weekend? Shot. Double whammy funeral/Red Lobster weekend killing combo hit me both Saturday and Sunday, leaving not much time for fun, action, and adventure for this guy... However, there is plenty randomness to be had. Allow me to explain...
-First off, started talking with the girl in the wheelchair from work because of Ginger, my other older friend. Apparently the two had met at a bar last week and all the sudden I'm an extremely interesting guy. I don't get it, nor do I really wish to know what Ginger said. It was just odd because I get some instant message from an unknown name at least twice a week, but rarely any calling me "Baranohaze." We'll see where this goes...
-Whatever happened to my nickname "Johnny Bravo?"
-I've come to the realization that our funeral team is much better than the other ones I worked with this weekend. I'm sorry, but you cannot explain such a loose flag. It was embarrassing.
-Had a diabetic pass out at a funeral Saturday. Weird... He was fine after some help arrived.
-This warm weather sucks, and the bugs are already out! Grrr... Had 27 people killed because of the storms passing through last night though...
-Got orders for MIOBC (again) for 02Sep06. This now involves a course call BOLC II at Fort Benning, Georgia - some 6 week ordeal involving 90% field training exercise and playing with good toys that make loud noises. I get a 9 day break from that from 20Oct06 to 29Oct06, all in which then I have to report to Fort Huachuca, Arizona for MIOBC (which is now called BOLC III?) until 02Mar07.
This in itself raises much concern. Allow me to explain how the conversation went:
CPT Ross: "LT Baranovic, this is the Army National Guard Liaison Office with Human Resource Command in St. Louis."
Me: "Hello"
CPT Ross: "I'm putting you in for a BOLC phase II date at Fort Benning for September 2nd."
Me: "Sir, can I get that date for after December?"
CPT Ross: "Perhaps, but why?"
Me: "I need to finish school, sir..."
CPT Ross: "Army policy dictates delays for educational purposes have to come from higher command. They're tough to get."
Me: "Oh... Okay..."
First off, I see this being disastrous in that we've been through this once before. I'm going to break this down...
Pro: $$$, no more debt, being full-qualified for the first time in my military career (working on my 5th year!), being available for Crystal's graduation, promotion to O-2, and on my way towards an exciting career in Intelligence (that's with a capital I because it's just that important).
Con: graduation date - December, 2007, stickin' it to ROTC for being jerks about canceling my initial MIOBC orders (that's a pro, actually), more time in Tennessee (a lot of time, actually... More like 2 more years at the least), and DEPLOYMENT.
Well, staying in Tennessee isn't that bad. As I found out, my DLAB score isn't as high as I thought it to be. I scored a 99, the minimum requirement to go to school to learn Arabic is 110. SFC Collins from my unit in Nashville was explaining the scale to me. "176 is the highest, and you're not even close, sir. Don't quit your day job." I love SFC Collins. She's always blunt with such things, so at least I don't have to cut through the BS to get the real scoop...
So it looks like language school isn't as promising as I thought it to be. Well, I just have to adjust fire accordingly. There is still plenty of opportunity out there for me to pursue - just as long as it doesn't involve Red Lobster, I'm plenty fine with that. However, I still do have another chance at the DLAB, I just have to take it up at Fort Campbell on a Thursday at 1000(physical impossibility at the moment).
Speaking of which, only 10 more days and I'm done with it. It's about damn time... Starting my internship on the 10th of April with the Rutherford County Sheriff's Department. Good times...
Back to the MIOBC thing... I'm not even going to deal with it. As I said, I've been through this whole routine before, and if CPT Ross says ok, I'll go for it. This time I'll keep my mouth shut and not let any of those bastards at ROTC get intervened into my plans. Get it done, get it over with. Plain and simple.
As to the reality of things, still feeling awfully empty about a lot of this. Not a huge amount of emotional value, but it's just dragging along, dutifully as always. I've been concerned about my mental health as a result of it, as I've noticed some rather drastic changes lately. For one, this weekend was the first time I'd ever pulled a 52-hour day and didn't even really notice. I fear when that happens because you can become psychotic and not even realize it. Lately I've had to rely on sleeping pills to set a somewhat solid schedule which involves sleep, but even that is a chore in itself. Perhaps I fear sleeping through class too much, which is why I end up pulling these all-nighters. Then, when I tell myself that I'll take a nap during the day, I don't. Then I'll work that night, forget about the whole thing, and do it again without even realizing it. It's about mid-day that next day that I realize that I've been up for two or three days straight, just working through the night on random projects or BS things that keep my mind meaninglessly busy and occupied so that I don't even really think about sleep. It's like the whole concept of sleep in itself is becoming foreign to me in a sense - just something that occasionally happens when you have time for it.
Insomnia is a serious problem, but this is not one of physical origin, indeed. My state of mind is one of existing, not even concerned the slightest about anything other than where I need to be, what I need to be wearing, and what I'll need to do when I get there. Work, school, funeral, and then taking care of things when I get home. Bills, getting my car fixed, getting in touch with people I've been looking for, planning this whole school bit, organizing - it all seems like there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done at home because I'd spend all that time just laying around. I need someone to keep me in check so that I DON'T forget that I do need to rest at one point or another. This is absurd.
I try not to ponder too much on what is now and what was then, and more often than not, I just block out everything. Smile, let people around you know that you're still alive, lie and say it's all okay because you think it is - therefore the lie must be truth. No, it's not okay, this sucks. My peeps have gone elsewhere and I have been a shepard with no herd. There is no love in that, and to complain makes it worse.
This and I forget to eat. Today I had an apple and a package of ramen noodles. Yesterday, it was half a box of pasta and a ham sandwich. I think all in all, I've maybe spent about $20 in groceries for the entire month. Now that I think about it, I'm seriously surprised that nothing has broken since then. Maybe I am just existing?
I wish there were answers for these things, but I've lost my sight on the objective at hand here. I just keep pissing people off and meeting these extremely useless people that are more trouble than they are worth. Of course there are days in which I pray for something terminal, but I'm still here for some reason. I suppose Ginger helps a bit in that she is one actually worth talking to, but I don't think she has a clue. Honestly, I don't think anyone does. That's ok. I just need to get through this and fine my clique again. College sucks.
I suppose I should find something a bit more productive to do than to type on this damn thing all night. More to follow...
You know, now that I look at it, I realize that pretty much everytime I do post a journal, it's usually on the nights I'm up forever and ever. This one is at 4:30am, the last at 11:30pm, then 5:41am, 3:59am , and 2:37am. Ugh... I need a life...
-First off, started talking with the girl in the wheelchair from work because of Ginger, my other older friend. Apparently the two had met at a bar last week and all the sudden I'm an extremely interesting guy. I don't get it, nor do I really wish to know what Ginger said. It was just odd because I get some instant message from an unknown name at least twice a week, but rarely any calling me "Baranohaze." We'll see where this goes...
-Whatever happened to my nickname "Johnny Bravo?"
-I've come to the realization that our funeral team is much better than the other ones I worked with this weekend. I'm sorry, but you cannot explain such a loose flag. It was embarrassing.
-Had a diabetic pass out at a funeral Saturday. Weird... He was fine after some help arrived.
-This warm weather sucks, and the bugs are already out! Grrr... Had 27 people killed because of the storms passing through last night though...
-Got orders for MIOBC (again) for 02Sep06. This now involves a course call BOLC II at Fort Benning, Georgia - some 6 week ordeal involving 90% field training exercise and playing with good toys that make loud noises. I get a 9 day break from that from 20Oct06 to 29Oct06, all in which then I have to report to Fort Huachuca, Arizona for MIOBC (which is now called BOLC III?) until 02Mar07.
This in itself raises much concern. Allow me to explain how the conversation went:
CPT Ross: "LT Baranovic, this is the Army National Guard Liaison Office with Human Resource Command in St. Louis."
Me: "Hello"
CPT Ross: "I'm putting you in for a BOLC phase II date at Fort Benning for September 2nd."
Me: "Sir, can I get that date for after December?"
CPT Ross: "Perhaps, but why?"
Me: "I need to finish school, sir..."
CPT Ross: "Army policy dictates delays for educational purposes have to come from higher command. They're tough to get."
Me: "Oh... Okay..."
First off, I see this being disastrous in that we've been through this once before. I'm going to break this down...
Pro: $$$, no more debt, being full-qualified for the first time in my military career (working on my 5th year!), being available for Crystal's graduation, promotion to O-2, and on my way towards an exciting career in Intelligence (that's with a capital I because it's just that important).
Con: graduation date - December, 2007, stickin' it to ROTC for being jerks about canceling my initial MIOBC orders (that's a pro, actually), more time in Tennessee (a lot of time, actually... More like 2 more years at the least), and DEPLOYMENT.
Well, staying in Tennessee isn't that bad. As I found out, my DLAB score isn't as high as I thought it to be. I scored a 99, the minimum requirement to go to school to learn Arabic is 110. SFC Collins from my unit in Nashville was explaining the scale to me. "176 is the highest, and you're not even close, sir. Don't quit your day job." I love SFC Collins. She's always blunt with such things, so at least I don't have to cut through the BS to get the real scoop...
So it looks like language school isn't as promising as I thought it to be. Well, I just have to adjust fire accordingly. There is still plenty of opportunity out there for me to pursue - just as long as it doesn't involve Red Lobster, I'm plenty fine with that. However, I still do have another chance at the DLAB, I just have to take it up at Fort Campbell on a Thursday at 1000(physical impossibility at the moment).
Speaking of which, only 10 more days and I'm done with it. It's about damn time... Starting my internship on the 10th of April with the Rutherford County Sheriff's Department. Good times...
Back to the MIOBC thing... I'm not even going to deal with it. As I said, I've been through this whole routine before, and if CPT Ross says ok, I'll go for it. This time I'll keep my mouth shut and not let any of those bastards at ROTC get intervened into my plans. Get it done, get it over with. Plain and simple.
As to the reality of things, still feeling awfully empty about a lot of this. Not a huge amount of emotional value, but it's just dragging along, dutifully as always. I've been concerned about my mental health as a result of it, as I've noticed some rather drastic changes lately. For one, this weekend was the first time I'd ever pulled a 52-hour day and didn't even really notice. I fear when that happens because you can become psychotic and not even realize it. Lately I've had to rely on sleeping pills to set a somewhat solid schedule which involves sleep, but even that is a chore in itself. Perhaps I fear sleeping through class too much, which is why I end up pulling these all-nighters. Then, when I tell myself that I'll take a nap during the day, I don't. Then I'll work that night, forget about the whole thing, and do it again without even realizing it. It's about mid-day that next day that I realize that I've been up for two or three days straight, just working through the night on random projects or BS things that keep my mind meaninglessly busy and occupied so that I don't even really think about sleep. It's like the whole concept of sleep in itself is becoming foreign to me in a sense - just something that occasionally happens when you have time for it.
Insomnia is a serious problem, but this is not one of physical origin, indeed. My state of mind is one of existing, not even concerned the slightest about anything other than where I need to be, what I need to be wearing, and what I'll need to do when I get there. Work, school, funeral, and then taking care of things when I get home. Bills, getting my car fixed, getting in touch with people I've been looking for, planning this whole school bit, organizing - it all seems like there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done at home because I'd spend all that time just laying around. I need someone to keep me in check so that I DON'T forget that I do need to rest at one point or another. This is absurd.
I try not to ponder too much on what is now and what was then, and more often than not, I just block out everything. Smile, let people around you know that you're still alive, lie and say it's all okay because you think it is - therefore the lie must be truth. No, it's not okay, this sucks. My peeps have gone elsewhere and I have been a shepard with no herd. There is no love in that, and to complain makes it worse.
This and I forget to eat. Today I had an apple and a package of ramen noodles. Yesterday, it was half a box of pasta and a ham sandwich. I think all in all, I've maybe spent about $20 in groceries for the entire month. Now that I think about it, I'm seriously surprised that nothing has broken since then. Maybe I am just existing?
I wish there were answers for these things, but I've lost my sight on the objective at hand here. I just keep pissing people off and meeting these extremely useless people that are more trouble than they are worth. Of course there are days in which I pray for something terminal, but I'm still here for some reason. I suppose Ginger helps a bit in that she is one actually worth talking to, but I don't think she has a clue. Honestly, I don't think anyone does. That's ok. I just need to get through this and fine my clique again. College sucks.
I suppose I should find something a bit more productive to do than to type on this damn thing all night. More to follow...
You know, now that I look at it, I realize that pretty much everytime I do post a journal, it's usually on the nights I'm up forever and ever. This one is at 4:30am, the last at 11:30pm, then 5:41am, 3:59am , and 2:37am. Ugh... I need a life...