(no subject)
Well... a lot has been going on lately... so I'm just gonna rant and rave, and if you wanna read something positive, I wouldn't really recommend reading this... well... here goes...
What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why the fucking hell can't I be happy? I mean, just ONCE! ONE FUCKING TIME IS ALL I ASK FOR!!! GODDAMMIT!!!! And why do I have to be so fucking selfish?! Why am I so confused? Why do people even care anymore? Don't they know when to give up?! I have to act happy EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!! Then on Saturday at Ben's open house Sydney saw me and talked to me... I didn't tell her too much of the shit that's been going on, but I told her a little bit... And I almost started crying! I almost started to fucking bawl my eyes out! I did the exact same thing Friday night when I was helping Monica close! It was fuckin hard trying to keep it all in... Why can't I just fucking keep it all in? Instead of dumping all my sad, pathetic problems on my friends! I mean, they have enough shit to worry about without me whining at them! And am I just someone to talk to only when you see me? Just forget about me until you see me and then be like, "oh crap, there's that Nick kid... Oh Shit! he saw me! now he's gonna come up to me and start talking, I wish he'd just leave." But, that's life... And I'm learning to deal with it. And don't feel like you have to talk to me now that I said these things. Just go on and forget about it. Cuz I'm just one person. And in a world filled with billions of people, well, you know you don't really need to talk to me. Although at times, I seem to be able to help people out, or at least they say that to make me feel special or somethin... even though their friends could have helped out a lot more... But I'm learning to accept that... But why, when I seem to be able to help people out, why can't I help myself out sometimes? why can't I make myself feel happy? Why does life have to be so fucking stupid? Why am I still here?! Why are my parents giving me so much shit about my accident when the cops said I was pretty damn lucky to be alive?! Why couldn't I have gone?! Why did I have to stay alive to face all this shit?! And why did the accident have to happen in the first place? Isn't God watching over me?! DOES HE CARE?! I was doing something for my mom! It's not like it was for my pleasure, or leisure! Why do I feel so confused?! I don't know who the fuck I like anymore! All of them have been one-sided anyways. So I have no choice but to accept it and try to move on. Like with Nikki... I thought I loved her, but she didn't feel the same way... And I tried to get over it. So then I started to think I liked Amanda W. ... And so I went to prom with her. But the only real reason I did that was because it sounded like something might work out. But NO! IT FUCKING DIDN'T! If I had known that at the time, I don't think I would have gone. I AM glad I did, but I don't think I would have if I had known that at first. But, not only did it NOT work out with her, but now she basically ignores me. Like at the Spring Play, I went up and talked to her and ended up talking to her dad more than I talked to her! And so I'm not sure if it's even worth considering thinking about dating or anything even remotely related. Grant, I'm going back to that resolution. I know you'd say "good for you!" But you don't have to worry about that. Because you have Clara. A girl that I used to have a major crush on back in the days of Fiddler. Cuz she was the only one who actually talked to me. I know Grant will probably never read this but I had to get it out. I just wish I wasn't so confused! I can't understand how anyone can like me in the first place! And why the hell do I have these strange feelings?! Like for example, I woke up at 5 a.m. the other day and it felt lie something was going wrong in Sarah's life so I e-mailed her, and later found out that that feeling was right! It's weird! I think it kinda scares some people, and I can't say that I blame them cuz it kinda freaks me out too! And why the Fucking Hell can't I sleep?! I've been so freakin tired lately it's not even funny! I almost feel asleep on my way to Peter's on Saturday... then I spaced out and came to when I was driving into his driveway... fuckin scary! I just wish I could hang out with my friends more. I miss you guys SOO FREAKING MUCH!!!! I want to be able to be there for you guys. To be able to keep all this shit from happening. Especially for you Krissy. I'm sorry... But I think we should just be friends... I love you to death girl, but you need someone who can actually be there for you. And I just can't. I guess I just need time to think. To try and clear my head. To be able to think with what little brain I have... Is there any hope for me with the opposite sex? Should I turn gay? :P... Is it so much to ask for someone to hold when the going gets rough? To be able to shae a night of looking at the stars or taking a walk? Is that so much to ask for?! Someone I can love. Someone who is always there. Someone to talk to. Someone I can care for. Someone I can worry about. Someone who makes life better no matter how bad it is. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?! I see people around me with someone like that. And then I look at myself... A sad, pathetic, loser. A hopeless romantic. A person who takes to much to heart. Especially what Kristie H. says... it's just too hard to just shrug it off... I just care too much about what other people think... Especially Katrina. She's like an older sister to me. And I don't want to dissappoint her. And I never get to see her! I look up to her so freaking much! What if I dissappoint her? And everyone else too? I don't want to dissappoint any of you guys! I just wish I wasn't so freakin confused! Then yesterday I worked 12 STRAIGHT HOURS! it was pure hell! Then we got creamed right before close so I couldn't get anything doen ahead of time... but yeah... Mountain Dew is the only thing that kept me alive... I was pretty pissed though, cuz I had to miss the Stewie Graduation, a family reunion, Church, Nick S.'s Open House, my cousins Open House... but yeah... It pretty much sucked ass! And the Mountain Dew messes with my chest so much! I almost passed out a few times too... not fun... But oh well... that's life... Well, I'll finally end this long, boring post by congratulating all the seniors of this year. GO SENIORS OF 2005!!!!!!!! I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. Sorry to explode in this post but I had to get it out. Thanks Guys! I LOVE YOU GUYS TO DEATH!!!!!!! Les Quiero ~Nick
What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why the fucking hell can't I be happy? I mean, just ONCE! ONE FUCKING TIME IS ALL I ASK FOR!!! GODDAMMIT!!!! And why do I have to be so fucking selfish?! Why am I so confused? Why do people even care anymore? Don't they know when to give up?! I have to act happy EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!! Then on Saturday at Ben's open house Sydney saw me and talked to me... I didn't tell her too much of the shit that's been going on, but I told her a little bit... And I almost started crying! I almost started to fucking bawl my eyes out! I did the exact same thing Friday night when I was helping Monica close! It was fuckin hard trying to keep it all in... Why can't I just fucking keep it all in? Instead of dumping all my sad, pathetic problems on my friends! I mean, they have enough shit to worry about without me whining at them! And am I just someone to talk to only when you see me? Just forget about me until you see me and then be like, "oh crap, there's that Nick kid... Oh Shit! he saw me! now he's gonna come up to me and start talking, I wish he'd just leave." But, that's life... And I'm learning to deal with it. And don't feel like you have to talk to me now that I said these things. Just go on and forget about it. Cuz I'm just one person. And in a world filled with billions of people, well, you know you don't really need to talk to me. Although at times, I seem to be able to help people out, or at least they say that to make me feel special or somethin... even though their friends could have helped out a lot more... But I'm learning to accept that... But why, when I seem to be able to help people out, why can't I help myself out sometimes? why can't I make myself feel happy? Why does life have to be so fucking stupid? Why am I still here?! Why are my parents giving me so much shit about my accident when the cops said I was pretty damn lucky to be alive?! Why couldn't I have gone?! Why did I have to stay alive to face all this shit?! And why did the accident have to happen in the first place? Isn't God watching over me?! DOES HE CARE?! I was doing something for my mom! It's not like it was for my pleasure, or leisure! Why do I feel so confused?! I don't know who the fuck I like anymore! All of them have been one-sided anyways. So I have no choice but to accept it and try to move on. Like with Nikki... I thought I loved her, but she didn't feel the same way... And I tried to get over it. So then I started to think I liked Amanda W. ... And so I went to prom with her. But the only real reason I did that was because it sounded like something might work out. But NO! IT FUCKING DIDN'T! If I had known that at the time, I don't think I would have gone. I AM glad I did, but I don't think I would have if I had known that at first. But, not only did it NOT work out with her, but now she basically ignores me. Like at the Spring Play, I went up and talked to her and ended up talking to her dad more than I talked to her! And so I'm not sure if it's even worth considering thinking about dating or anything even remotely related. Grant, I'm going back to that resolution. I know you'd say "good for you!" But you don't have to worry about that. Because you have Clara. A girl that I used to have a major crush on back in the days of Fiddler. Cuz she was the only one who actually talked to me. I know Grant will probably never read this but I had to get it out. I just wish I wasn't so confused! I can't understand how anyone can like me in the first place! And why the hell do I have these strange feelings?! Like for example, I woke up at 5 a.m. the other day and it felt lie something was going wrong in Sarah's life so I e-mailed her, and later found out that that feeling was right! It's weird! I think it kinda scares some people, and I can't say that I blame them cuz it kinda freaks me out too! And why the Fucking Hell can't I sleep?! I've been so freakin tired lately it's not even funny! I almost feel asleep on my way to Peter's on Saturday... then I spaced out and came to when I was driving into his driveway... fuckin scary! I just wish I could hang out with my friends more. I miss you guys SOO FREAKING MUCH!!!! I want to be able to be there for you guys. To be able to keep all this shit from happening. Especially for you Krissy. I'm sorry... But I think we should just be friends... I love you to death girl, but you need someone who can actually be there for you. And I just can't. I guess I just need time to think. To try and clear my head. To be able to think with what little brain I have... Is there any hope for me with the opposite sex? Should I turn gay? :P... Is it so much to ask for someone to hold when the going gets rough? To be able to shae a night of looking at the stars or taking a walk? Is that so much to ask for?! Someone I can love. Someone who is always there. Someone to talk to. Someone I can care for. Someone I can worry about. Someone who makes life better no matter how bad it is. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?! I see people around me with someone like that. And then I look at myself... A sad, pathetic, loser. A hopeless romantic. A person who takes to much to heart. Especially what Kristie H. says... it's just too hard to just shrug it off... I just care too much about what other people think... Especially Katrina. She's like an older sister to me. And I don't want to dissappoint her. And I never get to see her! I look up to her so freaking much! What if I dissappoint her? And everyone else too? I don't want to dissappoint any of you guys! I just wish I wasn't so freakin confused! Then yesterday I worked 12 STRAIGHT HOURS! it was pure hell! Then we got creamed right before close so I couldn't get anything doen ahead of time... but yeah... Mountain Dew is the only thing that kept me alive... I was pretty pissed though, cuz I had to miss the Stewie Graduation, a family reunion, Church, Nick S.'s Open House, my cousins Open House... but yeah... It pretty much sucked ass! And the Mountain Dew messes with my chest so much! I almost passed out a few times too... not fun... But oh well... that's life... Well, I'll finally end this long, boring post by congratulating all the seniors of this year. GO SENIORS OF 2005!!!!!!!! I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. Sorry to explode in this post but I had to get it out. Thanks Guys! I LOVE YOU GUYS TO DEATH!!!!!!! Les Quiero ~Nick