Stars in their own minds
I'm going to attempt an astrological theme for Celebrity Big Brother 5. I'm not sure how I'll fare but at least it only runs for a few weeks unlike the summer version. Anyway, the housemates of varying degrees of fame went in last night, so here's my first impression, in the order they went in:
Jermaine Jackson The compulsory "American celeb who thinks he'll be worshipped and is in for a shock." Actually didn't bother introducing himself to the rest of the housemates because he thinks he's so famous. Even if he was, how is anyone supposed to recognise a member of the Jacksons anyway? Their faces change on a weekly basis. Jermaine's currently appears to be pebbledashed.
Danielle Lloyd Wants to be known as a WAG - as if that's an achievement - rather than as "that Miss Great Britain who got disqualified for sucking off one of the judges."
Ken Russell Previously famous as a groundbreaking film director who got Oliver Reed to wrestle naked in front of a fire. Will soon be famous for dying of old age live on television.
Jo O'Meara The blonde with the bad back from out of S-Club. She's terrifying, and by far the most masculine housemate. Probably quite nice though.
Leo Sayer Little man with big hair who thinks he's famous for getting a #1 last year with "Thunder in my Heart." Is actually most famous for falling off that treadmill on a Vic'n'Bob show years ago. Has not stopped talking since he entered the house.
Shilpa Shetty A weird one on the fame scale - as a Bollywood star is unknown to huge swathes of the audience, but of all the housemates probably has the largest fanbase. As a result she's the one I have the least preconceptions about. She's very pretty and will probably take a while to get going.
Carole Malone Sunday Mirror columnist and easily the least famous housemate, was greeted by the crowd with jeers of "Who are you? Who are you?" Introduced herself as "I speak my mind" which, like "I call a spade a spade" usually translates as "I have really offensive views which I share with people regardless of whether it'll upset them." Tried to make herself seem important by greeting every other housemate with "Ooh, we knew you'd be here!" as if this amazing journo insider knowledge hasn't been in the papers for days.
Donny Tourette Lead singer in a shit band, better known as Peaches Geldof's ex-boyfriend. Went into the house drunk, pissed in the shower, then jumped into the jacuzzi with his clothes on. Yes, the lucky boy got the Ladybird Book of How To Be A Rockstar for Christmas! Appears to have gone completely silent since, having realised nobody cares. And for a so-called "punk" he seems to have less opinions about world affairs than either Leo Sayer or H.
Ian Watkins Just before going into the house he joined the select club of celebrities who everyone already knew were gay, but who come out of the closet ten years too late and we're supposed to act all surprised anyway. Can't seem to decide if he wants to be known by his real name, or still as "H." On the first night he was as annoying as ever. Worryingly, this still made him one of the least annoying housemates.
Cleo Rocos Hurray! It's Cleo Rocos! Kenny Everett's "booby lady with the booby prize." She's FANTASTIC, clearly insane, and should win. Actually it's just as well H came out of the closet before going into the house, he'd never have been able to supress his sexuality in the presence of The Patron Saint Of Fag Hags. (I quite like Cleo, could you tell?)
Dirk Benedict Was Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica, before Starbuck was a girl. Was Face in The A Team. Got the biggest reception after arriving in an A Team van, but since going in doesn't seem to have done much apart from smoke cigars and look baffled.
So there we have it. There's no attractive men in it this year which is a bit of an oversight. On Friday, in the worst-kept secret since Ian's sexuality, Jade Goody and her family will be moving into the House Next Door.
Jermaine Jackson The compulsory "American celeb who thinks he'll be worshipped and is in for a shock." Actually didn't bother introducing himself to the rest of the housemates because he thinks he's so famous. Even if he was, how is anyone supposed to recognise a member of the Jacksons anyway? Their faces change on a weekly basis. Jermaine's currently appears to be pebbledashed.
Danielle Lloyd Wants to be known as a WAG - as if that's an achievement - rather than as "that Miss Great Britain who got disqualified for sucking off one of the judges."
Ken Russell Previously famous as a groundbreaking film director who got Oliver Reed to wrestle naked in front of a fire. Will soon be famous for dying of old age live on television.
Jo O'Meara The blonde with the bad back from out of S-Club. She's terrifying, and by far the most masculine housemate. Probably quite nice though.
Leo Sayer Little man with big hair who thinks he's famous for getting a #1 last year with "Thunder in my Heart." Is actually most famous for falling off that treadmill on a Vic'n'Bob show years ago. Has not stopped talking since he entered the house.
Shilpa Shetty A weird one on the fame scale - as a Bollywood star is unknown to huge swathes of the audience, but of all the housemates probably has the largest fanbase. As a result she's the one I have the least preconceptions about. She's very pretty and will probably take a while to get going.
Carole Malone Sunday Mirror columnist and easily the least famous housemate, was greeted by the crowd with jeers of "Who are you? Who are you?" Introduced herself as "I speak my mind" which, like "I call a spade a spade" usually translates as "I have really offensive views which I share with people regardless of whether it'll upset them." Tried to make herself seem important by greeting every other housemate with "Ooh, we knew you'd be here!" as if this amazing journo insider knowledge hasn't been in the papers for days.
Donny Tourette Lead singer in a shit band, better known as Peaches Geldof's ex-boyfriend. Went into the house drunk, pissed in the shower, then jumped into the jacuzzi with his clothes on. Yes, the lucky boy got the Ladybird Book of How To Be A Rockstar for Christmas! Appears to have gone completely silent since, having realised nobody cares. And for a so-called "punk" he seems to have less opinions about world affairs than either Leo Sayer or H.
Ian Watkins Just before going into the house he joined the select club of celebrities who everyone already knew were gay, but who come out of the closet ten years too late and we're supposed to act all surprised anyway. Can't seem to decide if he wants to be known by his real name, or still as "H." On the first night he was as annoying as ever. Worryingly, this still made him one of the least annoying housemates.
Cleo Rocos Hurray! It's Cleo Rocos! Kenny Everett's "booby lady with the booby prize." She's FANTASTIC, clearly insane, and should win. Actually it's just as well H came out of the closet before going into the house, he'd never have been able to supress his sexuality in the presence of The Patron Saint Of Fag Hags. (I quite like Cleo, could you tell?)
Dirk Benedict Was Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica, before Starbuck was a girl. Was Face in The A Team. Got the biggest reception after arriving in an A Team van, but since going in doesn't seem to have done much apart from smoke cigars and look baffled.
So there we have it. There's no attractive men in it this year which is a bit of an oversight. On Friday, in the worst-kept secret since Ian's sexuality, Jade Goody and her family will be moving into the House Next Door.