The Foregone Conclusion Factor
It’s the X Factor semi-final! As defined by some people who don’t know what “semi-final” means! It’s actually the show-before-the-last-one but whatever! And we’re also repeatedly told that the judges lose their power this week, and who goes is entirely down to the public vote! Like it has been almost every week this series but go with it, this is an exciting change and etc! So I’m guessing Maloney’s got no chance of being in the bottom two because they’re not leaving themselves any room to change the rules at the last minute like they did a couple of years ago. “I just hope the public make the right choice” says Gary, proving he still doesn’t know what this show is. “There’s just something in my DNA saying if I don’t make this, I’ve failed” says James, proving he doesn’t know what DNA is. What other exciting displays of ignorance await us? Perhaps a weekend’s worth of shows where people pretend they don’t know for sure that it’s Union J going home?
Dermot comes on to “Walk This Way” - well just because she told you to walk like you’ve shat yourself Dermot, doesn’t mean you have to. The editors are bored with his sports mime so cut away while he does it. DING DING! Round one: Songs what mean something to you and that. Aka the “if you thought we’d played the mawkish card so far wait till you see this" round.
So, who could possibly inspire THE MILKY CORNFLAKE to dedicate a song to them? Why, it’s his nan! Nobody saw that one coming! In his VT Gary suggests that they sic the old woman on Louis so she can crack his skull open and feast upon the goo inside. Or wag her finger at him, something like that. Christopher is Jane McDonalding “You Raise Me Up” (Josh Groban version.) Aw, Josh Groban. An American with a sense of irony. Now being covered by a Brit with no sense of irony. See what you’ve done Barlow? This is like the transatlantic equivalent of a time paradox. Doomed, all of us! Oh, anyway, Christopher. Dry ice attempting to drown him completely. Sadly failing. The judges have now lost the will to live/criticise so just go for a last-ditch “faint praise” effort. Louis points out that it was a Westlife, ACKsherly. Then he says he can see Andrew Lloyd Webber getting him to play the Phantom. Well how’s that supposed to work? Half of the Phantom’s face is supposed to be normal. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says “I really enjoyed that,” with the same facial expression she would use for “I really enjoyed that cervical smear.”
The ad bumpers are still plugging Wand Erection. They continue to use “Kiss You” to do so rather than the godawful Ed Sheeran one. Regretting that choice of single, are we?
It’s going to be hard for THE SINISTER GIGGLER to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Look To You” because he’s dedicating it to his brother WHO IS DEAD. Shitsinger cries in the VT, and we even get some false jeopardy as Jahmene isn’t sure he can sing the whole thing without breaking down. I think we’ve got a full house there. The performance has dry ice, white lights and Jahmene standing on some stairs, but at least it doesn’t have a massive portrait of his brother WHO IS DEAD on the screens behind him. Then the judges cry at him. And Shitsinger says something about the baby Jesus singing the song. So was Jahmene miming? Is it Milli Vannilli all over again, with Jesus on vocals?
Louis keeps calling TWO DIRECTION “JoshJamieGeorge’n’JJ” - if there was any point I’d consider changing their name to MutyaKeishaSiobhan. What song has a deep and long-held personal meaning for Two Direction? How about “Beneath Your Beautiful,” which Labrinth and Emeli Sandé performed in this here studio last month. Jeez, I know they’re young but you’d think their precious memories would stretch back further than a couple of weeks. The performance features them continuing to try and make The Gareth Gatesy One happen, The Gay One On The End does his Gay Oversinging, and this week’s attempt to make it look like Random George has a purpose in the group is to give him a guitar. Gary says they used to sound like four solo singers - or, you know, a trio with a random solo singer chucked in among them.
Finally (if only!) PAOLO NUTELLA will be singing U2’s “One” for his brother and sisters. Which is an opportunity for the VT to show that photo of him with a mullet again, so that’s all good. He says they had a rough time growing up - whatever, Shitsinger ain’t shedding a tear, she spent them all on Jahmene. Oh, he’s not doing the Glee version, that’s a surprise. Louis says this time next year James will have three or four albums out - who the fuck is he, Prince?
DING DING! Round two! “Songs to get them into the final.” Which of course is vastly different from every other song they’ve performed to get them into the next week’s show. Christopher and Jahmene will be up first, cut to them in the green room where the former puts his hand on the latter’s shoulder. Jahmene cringes, as you would.
THE SINISTER GIGGLER will be doing “At Last,” wot he done in the auditions. And because the last VT was all about CRYING, Shitsinger will make this one about LAUGHING by showing Giggler her own audition, back in The Year of Our Lord 1796, when she had a cowboy hat and streaks and shouted “I Will Always Love You” to get onto a talent show - some things don’t change then. I can’t remember if Jahmene sang a load of spare notes when he did this at the audition, but it doesn’t really matter - he does now.
“Singing for Liverpool” announces Gary - is this a last-ditch attempt to tell everyone in the rest of the country not to vote for THE MILKY CORNFLAKE? Because people think he’s old-fashioned, he’s going to sing something current: “I Just Haven’t Met You Yet.” Because nothing appeals more to the young generation than BOOB-LAY! (Also, BOOB-LAY may be so middle-of-the road he occasionally gets repainted by the council, but he’s also very good-looking and charming when he’s not being fat, which Christopher, not so much.) What’s supposed to be Cornflake not going back in time is given a performance with clocks in the background, some of which are going backwards. Points to NotNotLouis! Shitsinger isn’t impressed by the song choice but Gary says the audience was clapping along. Jeebus, I know I say Gary’s bad at learning what this show is, but he’s still using the studio audience as any kind of measure of quality? Delusional. “He was once a nervous wreck,” says Dermot. OH YEAH, REMEMBER THAT STORYLINE? Cornflake doesn’t.
Hey everyone, TWO DIRECTION have personalities! Sort of. They do a comedy VT about them wearing onesies like what Wand Erection did and getting Louis to wear one as well, with LOLarious consequences. I say LOLarious, I mean “the creepiest Louis has been since The Remaining 66.6% decided to call him Uncle Louis.” Then they sing some obscure Westlife song, and so resigned are they to going home tomorrow they even let Random George sing a bit.
PAOLO NUTELLA’s second VT is about, I dunno, the fact that he has a guitar and sits on cliffs. And then goes to watch Shitsinger record her new video. She sings that she’s a boomerang. Originally used as a weapon? Brought home by millions as a souvenir? Anyway, James will be singing “The Power of Love” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood; or rather, in terms of what’s more likely to have influenced the song choice, The Song Off The John Lewis Advert. There’s a big red broken heart behind him because subtlety, you are not welcome on this show; and then lots of red lights and violins at the end as he gets all growly. It’s… well he’s James Arthur, so basically it’s as close to bearable as the show gets these days. Gary says it was the performance of the series, a phrase whose currency has been devalued to “it was a performance, and it happened this series.”
Results show! Aka “another hour of filler before Union J inevitably go home.” Dermot reminds us that the judges can’t vote. He doesn’t just mean in the show, Toula CONTOSTAVLOU can’t be trusted to go into a voting booth without getting lost. The group song involves the remaining acts singing some Christmas song or other - ugh, already, on the 2nd of December. Why would they sing this, is someone promoting it? On cue, Random George introduces Rod Stewart. (So that’s the point of Random George: He’s the Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection of Two Direction.) After the song Dermot informs Rod that he has an ITV1 special next week; Rod does seem to be genuinely surprised by this news.
Yetanother recap of last night’s songs, with added “backstage bits.” Louis says Christopher is cheesy but he’s starting to mature. Like a cheddar? Post-recap, Dermot tells James that Holly Johnson approved of his cover of “The Power of Love.” James’ heartfelt gratitude for this doesn’t convince me that he knows who Holly Johnson is.
I did say tonight’s show would be all filler, no killer, and here’s Toula CONTOSTAVLOU with her latest assault on the charts. And I do mean assault - she does to the charts what her predecessor did to toilet attendants. Still, good of Toula to give another blow to Barlow, by proving wrong his claim that pop success has anything at all to do with the ability to sing.
Following this we get a VT about the charity the winner’s single will be raising money for - that’s right, for the first time they’re making it a charity single, because they figure it’s the only way Christopher will get within a mile of the top 40. And then P!nk is the last filler, and we’ve still got twenty minutes to go. I quite l!ke P!nk, and this song might grow on me, but it hasn’t yet. And now a VT where the acts tell us why they want to stay in the competition. Again. Some more. Milky Cornflake smugs yet again that he’s “the public’s vote.”
Actual results! Through are PAOLO NUTELLA! Who roars and screams “yeah!” punching the air. Gracious! Also, well done putting the only person who could conceivably have gone out instead of Union J first, thus sucking out any pretence at tension. Next it’s THE MILKY CORNFLAKE. And finally THE SINISTER GIGGLER. So yes, TWO DIRECTION are going home, and that was a useful way to spend three hours of our weekend, wasn’t it? They get to do another little sing-song because they didn’t have a sing-off, and that’s that. Still, it’s not all bad news - the three actual members of the band can start ignoring George’s calls like they’ve wanted to all along.
Next week it’s the final, and Emeli Sandé will be performing. OF COURSE she will.
Dermot comes on to “Walk This Way” - well just because she told you to walk like you’ve shat yourself Dermot, doesn’t mean you have to. The editors are bored with his sports mime so cut away while he does it. DING DING! Round one: Songs what mean something to you and that. Aka the “if you thought we’d played the mawkish card so far wait till you see this" round.
So, who could possibly inspire THE MILKY CORNFLAKE to dedicate a song to them? Why, it’s his nan! Nobody saw that one coming! In his VT Gary suggests that they sic the old woman on Louis so she can crack his skull open and feast upon the goo inside. Or wag her finger at him, something like that. Christopher is Jane McDonalding “You Raise Me Up” (Josh Groban version.) Aw, Josh Groban. An American with a sense of irony. Now being covered by a Brit with no sense of irony. See what you’ve done Barlow? This is like the transatlantic equivalent of a time paradox. Doomed, all of us! Oh, anyway, Christopher. Dry ice attempting to drown him completely. Sadly failing. The judges have now lost the will to live/criticise so just go for a last-ditch “faint praise” effort. Louis points out that it was a Westlife, ACKsherly. Then he says he can see Andrew Lloyd Webber getting him to play the Phantom. Well how’s that supposed to work? Half of the Phantom’s face is supposed to be normal. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says “I really enjoyed that,” with the same facial expression she would use for “I really enjoyed that cervical smear.”
The ad bumpers are still plugging Wand Erection. They continue to use “Kiss You” to do so rather than the godawful Ed Sheeran one. Regretting that choice of single, are we?
It’s going to be hard for THE SINISTER GIGGLER to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Look To You” because he’s dedicating it to his brother WHO IS DEAD. Shitsinger cries in the VT, and we even get some false jeopardy as Jahmene isn’t sure he can sing the whole thing without breaking down. I think we’ve got a full house there. The performance has dry ice, white lights and Jahmene standing on some stairs, but at least it doesn’t have a massive portrait of his brother WHO IS DEAD on the screens behind him. Then the judges cry at him. And Shitsinger says something about the baby Jesus singing the song. So was Jahmene miming? Is it Milli Vannilli all over again, with Jesus on vocals?
Louis keeps calling TWO DIRECTION “JoshJamieGeorge’n’JJ” - if there was any point I’d consider changing their name to MutyaKeishaSiobhan. What song has a deep and long-held personal meaning for Two Direction? How about “Beneath Your Beautiful,” which Labrinth and Emeli Sandé performed in this here studio last month. Jeez, I know they’re young but you’d think their precious memories would stretch back further than a couple of weeks. The performance features them continuing to try and make The Gareth Gatesy One happen, The Gay One On The End does his Gay Oversinging, and this week’s attempt to make it look like Random George has a purpose in the group is to give him a guitar. Gary says they used to sound like four solo singers - or, you know, a trio with a random solo singer chucked in among them.
Finally (if only!) PAOLO NUTELLA will be singing U2’s “One” for his brother and sisters. Which is an opportunity for the VT to show that photo of him with a mullet again, so that’s all good. He says they had a rough time growing up - whatever, Shitsinger ain’t shedding a tear, she spent them all on Jahmene. Oh, he’s not doing the Glee version, that’s a surprise. Louis says this time next year James will have three or four albums out - who the fuck is he, Prince?
DING DING! Round two! “Songs to get them into the final.” Which of course is vastly different from every other song they’ve performed to get them into the next week’s show. Christopher and Jahmene will be up first, cut to them in the green room where the former puts his hand on the latter’s shoulder. Jahmene cringes, as you would.
THE SINISTER GIGGLER will be doing “At Last,” wot he done in the auditions. And because the last VT was all about CRYING, Shitsinger will make this one about LAUGHING by showing Giggler her own audition, back in The Year of Our Lord 1796, when she had a cowboy hat and streaks and shouted “I Will Always Love You” to get onto a talent show - some things don’t change then. I can’t remember if Jahmene sang a load of spare notes when he did this at the audition, but it doesn’t really matter - he does now.
“Singing for Liverpool” announces Gary - is this a last-ditch attempt to tell everyone in the rest of the country not to vote for THE MILKY CORNFLAKE? Because people think he’s old-fashioned, he’s going to sing something current: “I Just Haven’t Met You Yet.” Because nothing appeals more to the young generation than BOOB-LAY! (Also, BOOB-LAY may be so middle-of-the road he occasionally gets repainted by the council, but he’s also very good-looking and charming when he’s not being fat, which Christopher, not so much.) What’s supposed to be Cornflake not going back in time is given a performance with clocks in the background, some of which are going backwards. Points to NotNotLouis! Shitsinger isn’t impressed by the song choice but Gary says the audience was clapping along. Jeebus, I know I say Gary’s bad at learning what this show is, but he’s still using the studio audience as any kind of measure of quality? Delusional. “He was once a nervous wreck,” says Dermot. OH YEAH, REMEMBER THAT STORYLINE? Cornflake doesn’t.
Hey everyone, TWO DIRECTION have personalities! Sort of. They do a comedy VT about them wearing onesies like what Wand Erection did and getting Louis to wear one as well, with LOLarious consequences. I say LOLarious, I mean “the creepiest Louis has been since The Remaining 66.6% decided to call him Uncle Louis.” Then they sing some obscure Westlife song, and so resigned are they to going home tomorrow they even let Random George sing a bit.
PAOLO NUTELLA’s second VT is about, I dunno, the fact that he has a guitar and sits on cliffs. And then goes to watch Shitsinger record her new video. She sings that she’s a boomerang. Originally used as a weapon? Brought home by millions as a souvenir? Anyway, James will be singing “The Power of Love” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood; or rather, in terms of what’s more likely to have influenced the song choice, The Song Off The John Lewis Advert. There’s a big red broken heart behind him because subtlety, you are not welcome on this show; and then lots of red lights and violins at the end as he gets all growly. It’s… well he’s James Arthur, so basically it’s as close to bearable as the show gets these days. Gary says it was the performance of the series, a phrase whose currency has been devalued to “it was a performance, and it happened this series.”
Results show! Aka “another hour of filler before Union J inevitably go home.” Dermot reminds us that the judges can’t vote. He doesn’t just mean in the show, Toula CONTOSTAVLOU can’t be trusted to go into a voting booth without getting lost. The group song involves the remaining acts singing some Christmas song or other - ugh, already, on the 2nd of December. Why would they sing this, is someone promoting it? On cue, Random George introduces Rod Stewart. (So that’s the point of Random George: He’s the Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection of Two Direction.) After the song Dermot informs Rod that he has an ITV1 special next week; Rod does seem to be genuinely surprised by this news.
Yetanother recap of last night’s songs, with added “backstage bits.” Louis says Christopher is cheesy but he’s starting to mature. Like a cheddar? Post-recap, Dermot tells James that Holly Johnson approved of his cover of “The Power of Love.” James’ heartfelt gratitude for this doesn’t convince me that he knows who Holly Johnson is.
I did say tonight’s show would be all filler, no killer, and here’s Toula CONTOSTAVLOU with her latest assault on the charts. And I do mean assault - she does to the charts what her predecessor did to toilet attendants. Still, good of Toula to give another blow to Barlow, by proving wrong his claim that pop success has anything at all to do with the ability to sing.
Following this we get a VT about the charity the winner’s single will be raising money for - that’s right, for the first time they’re making it a charity single, because they figure it’s the only way Christopher will get within a mile of the top 40. And then P!nk is the last filler, and we’ve still got twenty minutes to go. I quite l!ke P!nk, and this song might grow on me, but it hasn’t yet. And now a VT where the acts tell us why they want to stay in the competition. Again. Some more. Milky Cornflake smugs yet again that he’s “the public’s vote.”
Actual results! Through are PAOLO NUTELLA! Who roars and screams “yeah!” punching the air. Gracious! Also, well done putting the only person who could conceivably have gone out instead of Union J first, thus sucking out any pretence at tension. Next it’s THE MILKY CORNFLAKE. And finally THE SINISTER GIGGLER. So yes, TWO DIRECTION are going home, and that was a useful way to spend three hours of our weekend, wasn’t it? They get to do another little sing-song because they didn’t have a sing-off, and that’s that. Still, it’s not all bad news - the three actual members of the band can start ignoring George’s calls like they’ve wanted to all along.
Next week it’s the final, and Emeli Sandé will be performing. OF COURSE she will.