The Tajikistan Factor
So, this thing’s still going on. We’re halfway through this year’s X Factor - where has the time gone? asks Dermot. I don’t know, but wherever it’s gone it’s gone slowly. Dermot hasn’t bothered with the dance of heterosexuality this week, and is going straight to the sports mimes - I dunno, it’s squash, maybe? Obviously I won’t be doing jokes about Lucy leaving the competition given the rumours about the real reasons behind it, but I’m sure everyone who’s left will provide plenty of food for mockery. As will the week’s theme, which is “Number Ones.” Traditionally this is taken to mean “any song that’s been Number One anywhere in the world” but that was a bit of a silly definition. So now it’s been changed to “any song that’s been Number One, or indeed charted in any position whatsoever, or not, anywhere in the world.” So, you spent a week at number 11 in Tajikistan? Come on in! If anything, number 11 is even more on-theme, because it’s got twice as many ones in it.
Last week RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES promised Gary to just stand there and do a song without gimmicks, because presumably he wants to go home now. After the success of “pretending to eat a pork scratching,” it’s time for another Shitsinger Visits The Common People VT. Rylan says he’s going to show her his roots, which I assume means she’s going to find out he’s actually ginger, but no, he’s taking her to Essex, As Seen On TV. They go to Someone Off TOWIE’s salon where he gets plucked and waxed and basted in gravy, and she gets taught those bits of Essex slang made up for TV. Then the cameras are sent away so Shitsinger can get Rylan’s face vajazzled onto her tuppence, which I’m choosing to believe DEFINITELY HAPPENED FOR REAL. Rylan’s singing the verses from “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” with the chorus from “Hung Up” (good to see the pandering to Barlow doesn’t extend to ditching those horrible nasty mash-ups he hates so much.) Actually Barlow is given about as much respect as he deserves - Shitsinger said Rylan should do “half” the song the way Barlow likes it, and the rest properly. In fact there’s about two seconds of standing still being boring before lots of titting around with the dancers starts. Barlow then says the only bits he liked were the boring ones at the start, obviously.
TWO DIRECTION were in the bottom two last week, so that’s Louis’ chances of winning officially scuppered again, as if it was ever in any doubt. Pretending they had personalities bought the Tributes from District 3 a little more time so why not you try it, Two Direction? The Gay One On The End is The Dad (I bet he is and etc.) The One On The Other End used to be a jockey. The Gareth Gatesy one is The Funny One. And Random George is Some Bloke Who Got Crowbarred Into The Group In An Attempt To Give Them Their Own Harry Styles Only He’s So Bland It Backfired Spectacularly. So that’s their personalities sorted. The Tributes are starting to look like real Characters now, aren’t they? Anyway back to Two Direction, who are doing some Romeo and Juliet-themed Taylor Swift song I’ve never heard before. But you know, it was definitely number one. (The best a quick Google can find is #1 in the Country charts. Well it’s good to see we’re sticking to the charts that really matter in this competition, country is always a relevant choice - ask Carolynne. I think she’s in the queue for the Britain’s Got Talent auditions.) Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says Louis knows boybands, and “he’s trying to find your market and nail it.” Oh Toula, when Louis’ in a room with a boyband, it’s not the market he wants to nail.
Now it’s THE OTHER ONE’s turn.
PAOLO NUTELLA got a “masterclass” with No Doubt. What, nobody else got to meet them? Harsh. He’s doing “Don’t Speak” so maybe it’s favouritism. Maybe everyone got to meet No Doubt, and as soon as they said they were singing someone else’s song Gwen Stefani was horribly offended and threw them out. His performance is exactly what you expect, plus one of his occasional Professor Green raps in the middle, that he stutters over.
Oh wait, THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD got to meet No Doubt as well. She’s being all Bonfire Night-y with Katy Perry’s “Firework,” which she’s slowed down to take all the fireworks out of it. She’s also well wobbly on a lot of the notes and her voice cracks. Shitsinger has a bit of a moment where she thinks she was in Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet, and then she whinnies. THANKS, SHITSINGER! Louis chucks some pleasantries Ella’s way before digging up Fag-ash-gate, telling Toula CONTOSTAVLOU she’s smelling gorgeous and looking smoking. She thanks him, and looks like she’s going over to kiss him on the cheek, but instead wrenches him by the neck and makes him give her a peck on the cheek. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the weekly Tulisa blowjob joke: Wow, grabbing things and slapping them around her cheeks really is her default way of doing everything, isn’t it?
The VT for THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3 is all about how they met at school, where according to the photo we’re shown there used to be four of them, only the fourth one isn’t mentioned. Unfortunately minutes after being released into the arena he was killed by a rabid mutt with the head of Melanie grafted onto Jade’s anus, so now there’s only three of them left. The remaining Tributes tells us they’re going to be dancing with the girl dancers this week, which is new for them, evidently having forgotten that woman dancer flashing the one with the abs’ abs a couple of weeks ago. Their version of Taio Cruz’ “Dy-no-mite” lurches back and forth from sounding quite OK actually, to sounding like a right mess. The one with the backflips does two backflips, but the one with the abs doesn’t get the abs out, so that’s only 50% of their recipe for success and they might be in trouble. Toula thought they looked awkward with all the backflips and dancing and production. I thought they looked happy enough, they just sounded awkward (/awful.) All the judges are pretty harsh on them, Shitsinger says it was “Mickey Mouse Club.” I’m not sure why everyone’s tearing Louis a new one over the staging (which was fun, fuck off) since they have actual choreographers and creative directors to do that stuff. Or maybe NotNotLouis was such a shitshower last week that the mentors have gone in and taken over. Louis demonstrating dance moves. The theme for the judges’ mauling this week is that The Tributes are meant to be a “vocal harmony group” and have lost that, and should they be back next week they promise to go back to what they came here to do. Two things, right: Firstly, backflips. You can give an act some dance moves to do, but backflips are something they’re going to pretty much know already if it’s in their repertoire or not, so at least some of the physical stuff in their performance comes from them. And secondly, about going back to the vocal harmonising they came here to do: Yeah, they already tried that. It almost got them voted out of the competition. They’ve not become great at doing the singing and the dancing at the same time, but given that they’ve only incorporated them in the last three weeks, I think they’re doing a half-decent job.
Essex wasn’t enough excitement for Shitsinger so she’s also followed THE SINISTER GIGGLER back to his old job at ASDA, where he just WASN’T MEANT TO BE because of entitlement and etc. Shitsinger is inordinately excited at using a barcode reading gun. Someone keep her away from the fairground, shooting water into the clown’s mouth might be so exciting it kills her. This week is basically the pilot for a spin-off, isn’t it? Nicole Shitsinger Is Shamazed By Your Mundane Life. Anyway, they're checking out the yogurts, because Shitsinger's a bit sore downstairs after her vajazzle of Rylan's face. Giggler's song is “Listen” from Dreamgirls which, Wikipedia tells me, Beyoncé took to the heady heights of #61 in the US charts, and #16 in the UK charts, SO FUCK OFF BOTH THOSE NUMBERS HAVE A ONE IN THEM SO IT TOTALLY COUNTS! Giggler doesn’t hit all the notes in the song but he does hit the ones in his own little vocal gymnastics so that’s all that matters right? RIGHT? The judges seem to think so. I think they’ve all come behind the desk actually. Shitsinger so much so, her ankles are soggy. Gary says Giggler “killed it,” by which I assume he means “bludgeoned the song to death.”
GLORIA HUNNIFORD is on last, and uses his No Doubt masterclass to whine about how the judges are mean to him, so that Gwen Stefani can massage his ego. Ugh, he’s just the worst. Speaking of which, he unconvincingly claims that the many, many, many newspaper articles about what a dickbag he is backstage are all made up. Because the rest of the acts physically recoiling when he tries to hug them in every results show doesn’t tell its own story or anything. Oh wait, what is this little piece of information that’s slipped quickly past in the VT? He’s sung on a couple of cruise ships? So… that totally unfair commentary from previous weeks where the fact that he’s a cruise ship singer was brought up turns out to be entirely… fair? *surprised face* Oh he’s singing “All By Myself” because he’s now gone right through self-parody and out the other side. He cries and shakes at the end just in case anybody bought the story of him not being a massive drama queen. Shitsinger’s actually a bit complimentary this week, possibly using the theory that if people think he’s safe they won’t vote for him and they might finally get rid of the fucker.
Well, that was a shitshower. Like it is every week. Why do I keep watching? Is it, perhaps, for the chance to see a godawful smug twat get his comeuppance every once in a while? Well let’s go to the results show and find out. Dermot’s sports mime has now turned into some kind of girly punch followed by a spin. The judges arrive and Dermot gibbers something about Shitsinger’s shoes. I didn’t see them properly, what are they, particularly tottery or something? Then it’s the group song, and Dermot tells us the acts will be performing like one big happy family. Yes the Manson family AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *fast forward*
First guest performer is Rita Oral, who was a guest judge at auditions back before they finally decided on Shitsinger. We hear that all her singles have gone to number one. Then we find out she’s had three number ones. So three singles is her career so far. I’m not saying the X Factor has a pretty broad definition for what constitutes a music industry expert worthy of judging others, but, well obviously I’m saying that. She does a little sing-song, then Dermot asks the judges which act has improved the most. Barlow says it’s Paolo Nutella, because he “reinvents” himself every week. Well, he reinvents himself as the same thing every week, if that’s a thing. Then No Doubt come back to do a song, and Gwen asks “d’you think I’m looking hot?” Well not particularly, Gwen, you don’t even have a cardigan on or anything, you’re barely looking warm. Once that noise is over with, Dermot asks Gwen who impressed them in the masterclasses. Gwen’s response: “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrm………..” You and me both, Gwen.
Actual results! I think maybe Shitsinger’s shoes were extra tottery or something, she’s needing her acts to support her walking down the stairs. Through to next week are TWO DIRECTION! THE SINISTER GIGGLER! GLORIA HUNNIFORD! (Definite audience boos when he goes through this time.) PAOLO NUTELLA! THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD! And THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3! So the sing-off is between the towering “talents” of RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES and THE OTHER ONE. Rylan does “Kissing You” from Romeo + Juliet - that’s what, the third plug this weekend? Is it getting re-released or something? And then the other one.
Shitsinger saves her own act, of course, and Barlow saves his - except he does so by smugging all over the place that “I’m sure the audience at home will agree that Kye won the sing-off,” thus making what’s coming up all the sweeter. Well, Gary, if you’re so sure you won’t mind putting that to the test. Louis, having had quite enough shit off Barlow last time he saved Rylan, chickens out and saves the other one. So it looks like Rylan’s doomed because if Louis hasn’t saved him, surely the last judge won’t. Who is that last judge again? Oh that’s right, it’s Fag-Ash Lil. Not that there’s a grudge at play or nothin’, but Toula agrees that singing aside Rylan has the X Factor, sending the other one home and causing a deadlock. And the one going home in deadlock is… THE OTHER ONE! Hurrah for the audience at home’s choice, which Gary unreservedly respects because they chose the only act left in his category now. Restoring! Dignity! To the Overs! The Other One tries to do some gubbins about writing an album, and even Dermot can’t be arsed listening to it. The Other One won’t give up! Between this and his two failed recording contracts, maybe he should.
Last week RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES promised Gary to just stand there and do a song without gimmicks, because presumably he wants to go home now. After the success of “pretending to eat a pork scratching,” it’s time for another Shitsinger Visits The Common People VT. Rylan says he’s going to show her his roots, which I assume means she’s going to find out he’s actually ginger, but no, he’s taking her to Essex, As Seen On TV. They go to Someone Off TOWIE’s salon where he gets plucked and waxed and basted in gravy, and she gets taught those bits of Essex slang made up for TV. Then the cameras are sent away so Shitsinger can get Rylan’s face vajazzled onto her tuppence, which I’m choosing to believe DEFINITELY HAPPENED FOR REAL. Rylan’s singing the verses from “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” with the chorus from “Hung Up” (good to see the pandering to Barlow doesn’t extend to ditching those horrible nasty mash-ups he hates so much.) Actually Barlow is given about as much respect as he deserves - Shitsinger said Rylan should do “half” the song the way Barlow likes it, and the rest properly. In fact there’s about two seconds of standing still being boring before lots of titting around with the dancers starts. Barlow then says the only bits he liked were the boring ones at the start, obviously.
TWO DIRECTION were in the bottom two last week, so that’s Louis’ chances of winning officially scuppered again, as if it was ever in any doubt. Pretending they had personalities bought the Tributes from District 3 a little more time so why not you try it, Two Direction? The Gay One On The End is The Dad (I bet he is and etc.) The One On The Other End used to be a jockey. The Gareth Gatesy one is The Funny One. And Random George is Some Bloke Who Got Crowbarred Into The Group In An Attempt To Give Them Their Own Harry Styles Only He’s So Bland It Backfired Spectacularly. So that’s their personalities sorted. The Tributes are starting to look like real Characters now, aren’t they? Anyway back to Two Direction, who are doing some Romeo and Juliet-themed Taylor Swift song I’ve never heard before. But you know, it was definitely number one. (The best a quick Google can find is #1 in the Country charts. Well it’s good to see we’re sticking to the charts that really matter in this competition, country is always a relevant choice - ask Carolynne. I think she’s in the queue for the Britain’s Got Talent auditions.) Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says Louis knows boybands, and “he’s trying to find your market and nail it.” Oh Toula, when Louis’ in a room with a boyband, it’s not the market he wants to nail.
Now it’s THE OTHER ONE’s turn.
PAOLO NUTELLA got a “masterclass” with No Doubt. What, nobody else got to meet them? Harsh. He’s doing “Don’t Speak” so maybe it’s favouritism. Maybe everyone got to meet No Doubt, and as soon as they said they were singing someone else’s song Gwen Stefani was horribly offended and threw them out. His performance is exactly what you expect, plus one of his occasional Professor Green raps in the middle, that he stutters over.
Oh wait, THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD got to meet No Doubt as well. She’s being all Bonfire Night-y with Katy Perry’s “Firework,” which she’s slowed down to take all the fireworks out of it. She’s also well wobbly on a lot of the notes and her voice cracks. Shitsinger has a bit of a moment where she thinks she was in Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet, and then she whinnies. THANKS, SHITSINGER! Louis chucks some pleasantries Ella’s way before digging up Fag-ash-gate, telling Toula CONTOSTAVLOU she’s smelling gorgeous and looking smoking. She thanks him, and looks like she’s going over to kiss him on the cheek, but instead wrenches him by the neck and makes him give her a peck on the cheek. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the weekly Tulisa blowjob joke: Wow, grabbing things and slapping them around her cheeks really is her default way of doing everything, isn’t it?
The VT for THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3 is all about how they met at school, where according to the photo we’re shown there used to be four of them, only the fourth one isn’t mentioned. Unfortunately minutes after being released into the arena he was killed by a rabid mutt with the head of Melanie grafted onto Jade’s anus, so now there’s only three of them left. The remaining Tributes tells us they’re going to be dancing with the girl dancers this week, which is new for them, evidently having forgotten that woman dancer flashing the one with the abs’ abs a couple of weeks ago. Their version of Taio Cruz’ “Dy-no-mite” lurches back and forth from sounding quite OK actually, to sounding like a right mess. The one with the backflips does two backflips, but the one with the abs doesn’t get the abs out, so that’s only 50% of their recipe for success and they might be in trouble. Toula thought they looked awkward with all the backflips and dancing and production. I thought they looked happy enough, they just sounded awkward (/awful.) All the judges are pretty harsh on them, Shitsinger says it was “Mickey Mouse Club.” I’m not sure why everyone’s tearing Louis a new one over the staging (which was fun, fuck off) since they have actual choreographers and creative directors to do that stuff. Or maybe NotNotLouis was such a shitshower last week that the mentors have gone in and taken over. Louis demonstrating dance moves. The theme for the judges’ mauling this week is that The Tributes are meant to be a “vocal harmony group” and have lost that, and should they be back next week they promise to go back to what they came here to do. Two things, right: Firstly, backflips. You can give an act some dance moves to do, but backflips are something they’re going to pretty much know already if it’s in their repertoire or not, so at least some of the physical stuff in their performance comes from them. And secondly, about going back to the vocal harmonising they came here to do: Yeah, they already tried that. It almost got them voted out of the competition. They’ve not become great at doing the singing and the dancing at the same time, but given that they’ve only incorporated them in the last three weeks, I think they’re doing a half-decent job.
Essex wasn’t enough excitement for Shitsinger so she’s also followed THE SINISTER GIGGLER back to his old job at ASDA, where he just WASN’T MEANT TO BE because of entitlement and etc. Shitsinger is inordinately excited at using a barcode reading gun. Someone keep her away from the fairground, shooting water into the clown’s mouth might be so exciting it kills her. This week is basically the pilot for a spin-off, isn’t it? Nicole Shitsinger Is Shamazed By Your Mundane Life. Anyway, they're checking out the yogurts, because Shitsinger's a bit sore downstairs after her vajazzle of Rylan's face. Giggler's song is “Listen” from Dreamgirls which, Wikipedia tells me, Beyoncé took to the heady heights of #61 in the US charts, and #16 in the UK charts, SO FUCK OFF BOTH THOSE NUMBERS HAVE A ONE IN THEM SO IT TOTALLY COUNTS! Giggler doesn’t hit all the notes in the song but he does hit the ones in his own little vocal gymnastics so that’s all that matters right? RIGHT? The judges seem to think so. I think they’ve all come behind the desk actually. Shitsinger so much so, her ankles are soggy. Gary says Giggler “killed it,” by which I assume he means “bludgeoned the song to death.”
GLORIA HUNNIFORD is on last, and uses his No Doubt masterclass to whine about how the judges are mean to him, so that Gwen Stefani can massage his ego. Ugh, he’s just the worst. Speaking of which, he unconvincingly claims that the many, many, many newspaper articles about what a dickbag he is backstage are all made up. Because the rest of the acts physically recoiling when he tries to hug them in every results show doesn’t tell its own story or anything. Oh wait, what is this little piece of information that’s slipped quickly past in the VT? He’s sung on a couple of cruise ships? So… that totally unfair commentary from previous weeks where the fact that he’s a cruise ship singer was brought up turns out to be entirely… fair? *surprised face* Oh he’s singing “All By Myself” because he’s now gone right through self-parody and out the other side. He cries and shakes at the end just in case anybody bought the story of him not being a massive drama queen. Shitsinger’s actually a bit complimentary this week, possibly using the theory that if people think he’s safe they won’t vote for him and they might finally get rid of the fucker.
Well, that was a shitshower. Like it is every week. Why do I keep watching? Is it, perhaps, for the chance to see a godawful smug twat get his comeuppance every once in a while? Well let’s go to the results show and find out. Dermot’s sports mime has now turned into some kind of girly punch followed by a spin. The judges arrive and Dermot gibbers something about Shitsinger’s shoes. I didn’t see them properly, what are they, particularly tottery or something? Then it’s the group song, and Dermot tells us the acts will be performing like one big happy family. Yes the Manson family AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *fast forward*
First guest performer is Rita Oral, who was a guest judge at auditions back before they finally decided on Shitsinger. We hear that all her singles have gone to number one. Then we find out she’s had three number ones. So three singles is her career so far. I’m not saying the X Factor has a pretty broad definition for what constitutes a music industry expert worthy of judging others, but, well obviously I’m saying that. She does a little sing-song, then Dermot asks the judges which act has improved the most. Barlow says it’s Paolo Nutella, because he “reinvents” himself every week. Well, he reinvents himself as the same thing every week, if that’s a thing. Then No Doubt come back to do a song, and Gwen asks “d’you think I’m looking hot?” Well not particularly, Gwen, you don’t even have a cardigan on or anything, you’re barely looking warm. Once that noise is over with, Dermot asks Gwen who impressed them in the masterclasses. Gwen’s response: “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrm………..” You and me both, Gwen.
Actual results! I think maybe Shitsinger’s shoes were extra tottery or something, she’s needing her acts to support her walking down the stairs. Through to next week are TWO DIRECTION! THE SINISTER GIGGLER! GLORIA HUNNIFORD! (Definite audience boos when he goes through this time.) PAOLO NUTELLA! THE 16-YEAR-OLD WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD! And THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT 3! So the sing-off is between the towering “talents” of RYLAN OFFICE SUPPLIES and THE OTHER ONE. Rylan does “Kissing You” from Romeo + Juliet - that’s what, the third plug this weekend? Is it getting re-released or something? And then the other one.
Shitsinger saves her own act, of course, and Barlow saves his - except he does so by smugging all over the place that “I’m sure the audience at home will agree that Kye won the sing-off,” thus making what’s coming up all the sweeter. Well, Gary, if you’re so sure you won’t mind putting that to the test. Louis, having had quite enough shit off Barlow last time he saved Rylan, chickens out and saves the other one. So it looks like Rylan’s doomed because if Louis hasn’t saved him, surely the last judge won’t. Who is that last judge again? Oh that’s right, it’s Fag-Ash Lil. Not that there’s a grudge at play or nothin’, but Toula agrees that singing aside Rylan has the X Factor, sending the other one home and causing a deadlock. And the one going home in deadlock is… THE OTHER ONE! Hurrah for the audience at home’s choice, which Gary unreservedly respects because they chose the only act left in his category now. Restoring! Dignity! To the Overs! The Other One tries to do some gubbins about writing an album, and even Dermot can’t be arsed listening to it. The Other One won’t give up! Between this and his two failed recording contracts, maybe he should.