The Something Something Factor
“HERE WE GO, BRITAIN!” Steady on, Peter Dickson, don’t go introducing new catchphrases at this late stage in the game, some of us fear change. We like what we’re used to, like weekly themes that cover 99% of all songs ever. “Love and heartbreak,” yep, that’ll do. The only things that excludes are some of the weirder Beatles tracks which are about drugs and that, and most of the Rihanna oeuvre, which is about her vagina.
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU introduces NU VIBE and we see her giving them a pep-talk, telling them that the whole “they all blatantly hate each other’s guts” won’t really do and they’re family now, she has to put up with Dappy because they’re family. You do realise though, Toula, that you and Dappy actually are related, whereas Nu Vibe are a random collection of hoodies? They kind of whimper and squeak through “With Or Without You.” Oh well bloody done, you’ve just made FUCKING BONO look like a more appealing option. Gary is paying so little attention to Louis’ comments that he makes the same “No Vibe” joke. The judges still seem keen on this whole “Ashford (that’s Rimstache to you and me) is the main one” thing, as if they’re going to be around long enough for us to learn their names. They put them on first FFS, they know what they’re doing! Kelly Row-land's "Puttin' it doooown!" count: One
THE PRIDE OF P&O’s VT is all about how she’s FAT and that’s GREAT and she’s going to stay FAT and she’s been an inspiration to FAT children to stay FAT and have singing lessons instead of going for a run and maybe living a bit longer. She’s singing “I Will Always Love You” - it was only a matter of time. Gary finally mentions the “cruise ship” thing that they’ve been avoiding saying since Sami’s first audition. She says she loves Jane McDonald and there’s nothing wrong with being cruise ship. There is when you’re the foghorn, love. Kelly Row-land's "Puttin' it doooown!" count: Two (after this, Dermot actually makes a reference to her new catchphrase, which shuts her up for the rest of the show, so two is all we get.)
Christ, another break? So far it’s been two acts, two ad breaks. I mean, the latter’s been marginally more entertaining, but still. After the break it’s ADELROY who we see on a treadmill again. I wonder if he and The Pride of P&O are fighting backstage over whether it’s OK to be fat or not? He’s also doing this week’s “I’m really not sure about this song!” false jeopardy VT. The song in question is “Best Thing I Never Had,” which he’s OK but a bit vocally wobbly on. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says Craig’s versatile - what are you, his gaydar profile? Kelly Row-land doesn’t like his song choice because she’d prefer it if people didn’t remind her of Beyoncé’s existence, this is meant to be her show. Gary thinks the song choice was perfect - what a surprise, given he chose it.
LUNA LOVEGOOD’s grandad enjoyed her performance last week so much that he keeled over and died. Which yes, is sad, but doesn’t change the fact that you know what her “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” will sound like before she starts (i.e. a bit like a broken Victorian music box.)
Gary’s acts are really getting the false jeopardy meme tonight - ARSETAT gets the “song change at the last minute!” version. The song he’ll be speaking the lines to out of tune, while blind and deaf girls in the audience scream at him, will this week be Coldplay’s “The Scientist.” Also, I think that digging up Amy Winehouse, stealing her wig and putting it on Arsetat’s head was in bad taste. Louis and Kelly argue over whether Louis is allowed to use the word “swagger.” Louis didn’t like the song choice and Gary snarks that he should have given him “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. Do you mean “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton, Gary? Or is correctly identifying the songwriter only important when it’s you?
JOHNNY BEDSIT has never heard of any forms of modern technology, but he has heard of Kylie, funnily enough. NotNotLouis has given him a Japanese theme and he does “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” in a kimono in front of the boy dancers topless, and the girl dancers dressed as geishas. Then right at the end he stops and apparently commands Gary to “Vogue!” It’s basically what we’d hoped Johnny would be, i.e. Jedward but able to sing a bit. The judges’ responses are the usual not-quite-getting-the-point-of-why-Johnny’s-there until Gary says he looks like he’s in Aladdin, Johnny replies “you can rub my lamp any time,” and EVEN GARY laughs until he cries.
MARCUS COLLINS is making a big play for the title of PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS in his VT. It’s almost as if he thinks being “the gay black one” isn’t a big vote-winner for an ITV audience. The boy dancers still have their tops off though, and look, they’ve managed to find a Rihanna song that isn’t entirely about her vagina so just about fits into the theme. It’s “Russian Roulette” which he starts badly, gets better, then gets a lot worse. Last week Marcus’ smile was identified as his best feature, so this week Gary has told him he’s not allowed to smile until his performance is over. GARY, YOU FUN MACHINE! The judges are politely underwhelmed. The set involves lots of fire and Dermot O’Deirdre says he likes the fact that it looks like they’re in Hades. Dermot, it’s a two-hours-plus X Factor on a Saturday night. This is Hades.
OATIBIX want to be noticed. There’s lots of colours and shapes and... no, it’s no good, I haven’t noticed them.
MISS MISHA B! Is next! There’s a chocolate box theme as she walks out of a packet of Fererro Rocher, dressed as a Quality Street Big Purple One. Oh bloody hell, she’s forgotten to put her vest on! Her styling is basically a cross between Grace Jones and Baroness Gaga. It’s not quite as amazeballs as last week but it’s still better than anything else tonight, plus it’s “Would I Lie To You” - who honestly expected a Charles and Eddie revival?
MIX AND MATCH are HETEROSEXUAL! This is mainly what I’m getting from their VT. Oh, they’re doing Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are” so they could fuck off even if they did it well. Which they’re not. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU continues to devalue the standing ovation to the point where it’s becoming an insult. Louis says “there’s always room for a good boyband.” So many “Louis’ arse” jokes, so little time. Gary says that’s what hard work and commitment sound like - next week, can we hear what good singing sounds like instead? Toula CONTOSTAVLOU asks if we know why she doesn’t consider The Risk to be a manufactured boyband. I have no idea Toula, especially since you’re the one who manufactured them. Then decided you’d done it wrong and manufactured them again, slightly differently. She also attempts to make the word “Riskettes” happen. It won’t.
Kelly Row-land calls the next act “The Voice.” Silly Kelly, that’s the show Jessie J’s doing. You’re on the one called The X Factor. SOPHIE HABIBIS’ VT sob story is about how nobody knows she exists. She starts “Wherever Your Will Go” way too low and a lot of the good work she did last week is undone. It’s a shame really, but she does sound like she’s in the middle of an uncomfortable gynaecological exam. Gary likes her voice but thinks her performance needs some kind of spark, some kind of something more, something different. Oh if only there was a phrase that described that something something factor.
After the break, KITTY LITTER will be doing a Björk song. Twitter gets all “It had better not be ‘It’s Oh So Quiet,’ since that isn’t actually a Björk song.” Silly Twitter. Of course it’s “It’s Oh So Quiet.” Kitty was booed last week, and says she wasn’t expecting that reaction. Funny, because back in the Boot Camp stages she said she was actively courting this kind of love/hate response, you’d think the word “hate” in there would be a clue. She also talks about her “haterz” - oh great, modelling herself on Hatey wasn’t enough, now she’s trying to be The Cheryl Cole Voodoo Doll as well. To be fair she’s got one of the better vocals of the night, and it’s an entertaining performance, although this is largely down to NotNotLouis’ Mad Hatter’s Tea Party theme. I still feel like she’s moments away from slitting her wrists live on TV though.
Results! It’s a new day! A day on which Matt CARDIGAN has reached the giddy heights of #6 in the charts! (Look contestants, that could be you next year!) A day on which Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has dressed for her first ballet lesson, bless! A day on which Kelly Row-land has lent Miss Misha B her own vest but now it’s her norks that are liable to get a chill! A day on which OH FUCKING HELL THE GROUP PERFORMANCE IS BACK! Obviously the autotune is back with a vengeance (well, Katy Perry will be on later, they’ll be needing it) except in Arsetat’s case it’s somehow auto-out-of-tune. HOW DOES HE DO IT? Each of the groups gets to do a little rap to introduce themselves, as if that’ll make any difference; as does Misha, who’s taken the Grace Jones styling so far tonight that she’s come as May Day. The Pride of P&O’s lip synching skillz could do with a bit of work - she’s currently managing to move her lips in roughly the same week as the sound comes out, but she looks enough like a turn at a provincial gay club as it is so she’ll really need to do better with that.
Guest acts - The Wanted. Hnnnggggg the curly-haired one. Yes, I know he looks slightly confused about who he is and what he’s doing there. I won’t lie, that’s part of the attraction. Dermot O’Deirdre asks the judges how they feel. Gary’s not that worried about tonight. INTERESTING. Dermot asks Louis what he thinks, then cuts him off when he tries to answer. Rude. Next guest is Katy Perry, who has pink hair. Maybe that’s why Amelia Lily had to go, they would have clashed. She’s doing a slowie - really, Katy Perry’s doing a slowie? That’s really not what she’s for but OK. At least the performance isn’t as offensive as last year’s. Then again, short of scraping her arse along the stage like a dog with worms it would be hard to top. Katy will be performing in Liverpool so Dermot asks Gary to recommend something for her to do there, what with “The North” being basically one village. He says she has to go to a nightclub called the Grafton - this being Gary’s idea of fun, can we assume you can win some particularly nice home-made jams at the bingo there?
We’re 2/3 of the way through the Results Show, so might as well have some results eh? Through to next week are: MIX AND MATCH! LUNA LOVEGOOD! ADELROY! JOHNNY BEDSIT! MISS MISHA B! (I should fucking think so.) THE PRIDE OF P&O! OATIBIX! SOPHIE! KITTY LITTER! PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS! So the bottom two are NU VIBE and the allegedly hugely popular and fanciable ARSETAT. Where’s your Messiah now, Barlow? Nu Vibe do a slowed-down version of Cheryl COLE’s “Promise This” but without the Alouette-ette-ette bits, and in five different keys. Rimstache tries “I am singing from the heart” face as if that’ll help, while the juvenile offender one convinces us all of how reformed he is by glaring at the judges in an “I will cut you” way. Frankie Cocksucker is wearing his mum’s leotard and is... oh god there really are no words for how bad this performance is. You know when someone comes into the auditions and the judges have to quite politely ask them why none of their friends and family have taken them to one side and told them they can’t sing? Well it’s a lot worse than that.
Gary saves Arsetat, obviously. So does Kelly. Interesting how the screaming girls in the audience boo her for this. I thought it was DEFINITELY TRUE that all the girls fancy him? It’s almost as if some spin’s going on here. Anyway Toula CONTOSTAVLOU saves Nu Vibe but Louis, who thinks there’s always room for another boyband but not this one, sends them home. No deadlock? Pfffft. It’s almost like they’re playing the game properly this year. So, who predicted Arsetat would be another Hatey, getting voted through by the judges despite widespread public indifference? Oh that’d be everyone then. It would be harder to take the prospect of him hanging around our screens for several more months, if it weren’t for the fact that Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has paid for her decision last week by becoming the first judge to lose an act. Somewhere in Romford, Two Shoes are cackling into their Lambrini. Well, Right Shoe is. Left Shoe has a little shoe to think about and can’t drink alcohol, so she’s sticking to an orange juice and 20 Mayfair Lights.
Next week! Will be quite similar.
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU introduces NU VIBE and we see her giving them a pep-talk, telling them that the whole “they all blatantly hate each other’s guts” won’t really do and they’re family now, she has to put up with Dappy because they’re family. You do realise though, Toula, that you and Dappy actually are related, whereas Nu Vibe are a random collection of hoodies? They kind of whimper and squeak through “With Or Without You.” Oh well bloody done, you’ve just made FUCKING BONO look like a more appealing option. Gary is paying so little attention to Louis’ comments that he makes the same “No Vibe” joke. The judges still seem keen on this whole “Ashford (that’s Rimstache to you and me) is the main one” thing, as if they’re going to be around long enough for us to learn their names. They put them on first FFS, they know what they’re doing! Kelly Row-land's "Puttin' it doooown!" count: One
THE PRIDE OF P&O’s VT is all about how she’s FAT and that’s GREAT and she’s going to stay FAT and she’s been an inspiration to FAT children to stay FAT and have singing lessons instead of going for a run and maybe living a bit longer. She’s singing “I Will Always Love You” - it was only a matter of time. Gary finally mentions the “cruise ship” thing that they’ve been avoiding saying since Sami’s first audition. She says she loves Jane McDonald and there’s nothing wrong with being cruise ship. There is when you’re the foghorn, love. Kelly Row-land's "Puttin' it doooown!" count: Two (after this, Dermot actually makes a reference to her new catchphrase, which shuts her up for the rest of the show, so two is all we get.)
Christ, another break? So far it’s been two acts, two ad breaks. I mean, the latter’s been marginally more entertaining, but still. After the break it’s ADELROY who we see on a treadmill again. I wonder if he and The Pride of P&O are fighting backstage over whether it’s OK to be fat or not? He’s also doing this week’s “I’m really not sure about this song!” false jeopardy VT. The song in question is “Best Thing I Never Had,” which he’s OK but a bit vocally wobbly on. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says Craig’s versatile - what are you, his gaydar profile? Kelly Row-land doesn’t like his song choice because she’d prefer it if people didn’t remind her of Beyoncé’s existence, this is meant to be her show. Gary thinks the song choice was perfect - what a surprise, given he chose it.
LUNA LOVEGOOD’s grandad enjoyed her performance last week so much that he keeled over and died. Which yes, is sad, but doesn’t change the fact that you know what her “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” will sound like before she starts (i.e. a bit like a broken Victorian music box.)
Gary’s acts are really getting the false jeopardy meme tonight - ARSETAT gets the “song change at the last minute!” version. The song he’ll be speaking the lines to out of tune, while blind and deaf girls in the audience scream at him, will this week be Coldplay’s “The Scientist.” Also, I think that digging up Amy Winehouse, stealing her wig and putting it on Arsetat’s head was in bad taste. Louis and Kelly argue over whether Louis is allowed to use the word “swagger.” Louis didn’t like the song choice and Gary snarks that he should have given him “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. Do you mean “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton, Gary? Or is correctly identifying the songwriter only important when it’s you?
JOHNNY BEDSIT has never heard of any forms of modern technology, but he has heard of Kylie, funnily enough. NotNotLouis has given him a Japanese theme and he does “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” in a kimono in front of the boy dancers topless, and the girl dancers dressed as geishas. Then right at the end he stops and apparently commands Gary to “Vogue!” It’s basically what we’d hoped Johnny would be, i.e. Jedward but able to sing a bit. The judges’ responses are the usual not-quite-getting-the-point-of-why-Johnny’s-there until Gary says he looks like he’s in Aladdin, Johnny replies “you can rub my lamp any time,” and EVEN GARY laughs until he cries.
MARCUS COLLINS is making a big play for the title of PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS in his VT. It’s almost as if he thinks being “the gay black one” isn’t a big vote-winner for an ITV audience. The boy dancers still have their tops off though, and look, they’ve managed to find a Rihanna song that isn’t entirely about her vagina so just about fits into the theme. It’s “Russian Roulette” which he starts badly, gets better, then gets a lot worse. Last week Marcus’ smile was identified as his best feature, so this week Gary has told him he’s not allowed to smile until his performance is over. GARY, YOU FUN MACHINE! The judges are politely underwhelmed. The set involves lots of fire and Dermot O’Deirdre says he likes the fact that it looks like they’re in Hades. Dermot, it’s a two-hours-plus X Factor on a Saturday night. This is Hades.
OATIBIX want to be noticed. There’s lots of colours and shapes and... no, it’s no good, I haven’t noticed them.
MISS MISHA B! Is next! There’s a chocolate box theme as she walks out of a packet of Fererro Rocher, dressed as a Quality Street Big Purple One. Oh bloody hell, she’s forgotten to put her vest on! Her styling is basically a cross between Grace Jones and Baroness Gaga. It’s not quite as amazeballs as last week but it’s still better than anything else tonight, plus it’s “Would I Lie To You” - who honestly expected a Charles and Eddie revival?
MIX AND MATCH are HETEROSEXUAL! This is mainly what I’m getting from their VT. Oh, they’re doing Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are” so they could fuck off even if they did it well. Which they’re not. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU continues to devalue the standing ovation to the point where it’s becoming an insult. Louis says “there’s always room for a good boyband.” So many “Louis’ arse” jokes, so little time. Gary says that’s what hard work and commitment sound like - next week, can we hear what good singing sounds like instead? Toula CONTOSTAVLOU asks if we know why she doesn’t consider The Risk to be a manufactured boyband. I have no idea Toula, especially since you’re the one who manufactured them. Then decided you’d done it wrong and manufactured them again, slightly differently. She also attempts to make the word “Riskettes” happen. It won’t.
Kelly Row-land calls the next act “The Voice.” Silly Kelly, that’s the show Jessie J’s doing. You’re on the one called The X Factor. SOPHIE HABIBIS’ VT sob story is about how nobody knows she exists. She starts “Wherever Your Will Go” way too low and a lot of the good work she did last week is undone. It’s a shame really, but she does sound like she’s in the middle of an uncomfortable gynaecological exam. Gary likes her voice but thinks her performance needs some kind of spark, some kind of something more, something different. Oh if only there was a phrase that described that something something factor.
After the break, KITTY LITTER will be doing a Björk song. Twitter gets all “It had better not be ‘It’s Oh So Quiet,’ since that isn’t actually a Björk song.” Silly Twitter. Of course it’s “It’s Oh So Quiet.” Kitty was booed last week, and says she wasn’t expecting that reaction. Funny, because back in the Boot Camp stages she said she was actively courting this kind of love/hate response, you’d think the word “hate” in there would be a clue. She also talks about her “haterz” - oh great, modelling herself on Hatey wasn’t enough, now she’s trying to be The Cheryl Cole Voodoo Doll as well. To be fair she’s got one of the better vocals of the night, and it’s an entertaining performance, although this is largely down to NotNotLouis’ Mad Hatter’s Tea Party theme. I still feel like she’s moments away from slitting her wrists live on TV though.
Results! It’s a new day! A day on which Matt CARDIGAN has reached the giddy heights of #6 in the charts! (Look contestants, that could be you next year!) A day on which Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has dressed for her first ballet lesson, bless! A day on which Kelly Row-land has lent Miss Misha B her own vest but now it’s her norks that are liable to get a chill! A day on which OH FUCKING HELL THE GROUP PERFORMANCE IS BACK! Obviously the autotune is back with a vengeance (well, Katy Perry will be on later, they’ll be needing it) except in Arsetat’s case it’s somehow auto-out-of-tune. HOW DOES HE DO IT? Each of the groups gets to do a little rap to introduce themselves, as if that’ll make any difference; as does Misha, who’s taken the Grace Jones styling so far tonight that she’s come as May Day. The Pride of P&O’s lip synching skillz could do with a bit of work - she’s currently managing to move her lips in roughly the same week as the sound comes out, but she looks enough like a turn at a provincial gay club as it is so she’ll really need to do better with that.
Guest acts - The Wanted. Hnnnggggg the curly-haired one. Yes, I know he looks slightly confused about who he is and what he’s doing there. I won’t lie, that’s part of the attraction. Dermot O’Deirdre asks the judges how they feel. Gary’s not that worried about tonight. INTERESTING. Dermot asks Louis what he thinks, then cuts him off when he tries to answer. Rude. Next guest is Katy Perry, who has pink hair. Maybe that’s why Amelia Lily had to go, they would have clashed. She’s doing a slowie - really, Katy Perry’s doing a slowie? That’s really not what she’s for but OK. At least the performance isn’t as offensive as last year’s. Then again, short of scraping her arse along the stage like a dog with worms it would be hard to top. Katy will be performing in Liverpool so Dermot asks Gary to recommend something for her to do there, what with “The North” being basically one village. He says she has to go to a nightclub called the Grafton - this being Gary’s idea of fun, can we assume you can win some particularly nice home-made jams at the bingo there?
We’re 2/3 of the way through the Results Show, so might as well have some results eh? Through to next week are: MIX AND MATCH! LUNA LOVEGOOD! ADELROY! JOHNNY BEDSIT! MISS MISHA B! (I should fucking think so.) THE PRIDE OF P&O! OATIBIX! SOPHIE! KITTY LITTER! PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS! So the bottom two are NU VIBE and the allegedly hugely popular and fanciable ARSETAT. Where’s your Messiah now, Barlow? Nu Vibe do a slowed-down version of Cheryl COLE’s “Promise This” but without the Alouette-ette-ette bits, and in five different keys. Rimstache tries “I am singing from the heart” face as if that’ll help, while the juvenile offender one convinces us all of how reformed he is by glaring at the judges in an “I will cut you” way. Frankie Cocksucker is wearing his mum’s leotard and is... oh god there really are no words for how bad this performance is. You know when someone comes into the auditions and the judges have to quite politely ask them why none of their friends and family have taken them to one side and told them they can’t sing? Well it’s a lot worse than that.
Gary saves Arsetat, obviously. So does Kelly. Interesting how the screaming girls in the audience boo her for this. I thought it was DEFINITELY TRUE that all the girls fancy him? It’s almost as if some spin’s going on here. Anyway Toula CONTOSTAVLOU saves Nu Vibe but Louis, who thinks there’s always room for another boyband but not this one, sends them home. No deadlock? Pfffft. It’s almost like they’re playing the game properly this year. So, who predicted Arsetat would be another Hatey, getting voted through by the judges despite widespread public indifference? Oh that’d be everyone then. It would be harder to take the prospect of him hanging around our screens for several more months, if it weren’t for the fact that Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has paid for her decision last week by becoming the first judge to lose an act. Somewhere in Romford, Two Shoes are cackling into their Lambrini. Well, Right Shoe is. Left Shoe has a little shoe to think about and can’t drink alcohol, so she’s sticking to an orange juice and 20 Mayfair Lights.
Next week! Will be quite similar.