Bunny off a scratch
Apprentice candidates really, really shouldn't be allowed to prepare food. And yet every year the catering task comes along. This year the boys' team were based in the catering company across the road from the office where I work! Which explains why I saw Nick Hewer hanging around there looking shifty a few months ago.
Actually a spoiler right from the start, because see how Michael Sophocles is still up there representing The Apprentice? Yeah, turns out there's not much point making a Rocky Andrews avatar because it's Week Two and my sweepstake's already gone. Boo! Still, it's probably better than him hanging around long enough to make a complete twunt of himself and be a downright embarassment to anyone supporting him. Yes, you, Sophocles. Anyway, it seems that my place of work will end up being the location of the sole topless Rocky shot:
Hmm, not bad. See, the mistake he (and Philip) made was not answering the phone in his pants, and any fule no that's how you win The Apprentice. Instead Mono got to the phone first, which is completely pointless what with her being a bladdy woman.
This week Nick watches the boys (more of that later) and Margaret the girls; she gives them such an evil look it's a shame she doesn't go the whole hog and cackle a bit. It's catering time, which means Ignite! is looking like an unfortunate name choice, since it suggests the food's burnt. Considering what the girls' food ends up looking like, I have no idea whether it was or not. The greasy emo schoolgirl who's been glaring at them is still there, and they make her Project Manager because she claims to run a restaurant, which uses the finest ingredients Lidl can provide. Rocky runs a chain of sandwich shops, so he's in charge of the boys. Incredibly, I've since found out he actually does own sandwich shops, and not a couple of dodgy burger vans - no wonder he's doomed, he's broken a cardinal rule of the show, and handed in an accurate CV. The shops are called something like Fatso's, so marketing is perhaps not his strong point. He delegates this to Madge, the one with the beard. He decides they should theme it after the 2012 Olympics which, huh? I mean, apart from it being a shit theme, why should sandwiches need a theme in the first place? Unless the theme is "sandwiches."
Emo demonstrates that the secret to running a successful restaurant is to say the word "basil" in a ludicrous cod-Italian accent, while Philip demonstrates that while I *would*, he really really shouldn't be allowed to speak. His entire contribution all episode is doom and gloom, so he can say "I told you so" if things go tits-up. He also refers to Rocky as "the gaffer," and frankly just because he looks a bit like John Terry doesn't mean he has to talk like a footballer. On the girls' team, Sidegob is trying to convince a city boss type that they should buy her sandwiches. She comes a bit unstuck when it becomes clear her entire knowledge of food is "er, I've definitely heard of... food... I think I might have even eaten some once." And yet they sell some sandwiches at lunchtime, the boys don't, so that's not ideal for Rocky. Still, there's always the big do in the evening. Howard reminds us he's the Token Gay by taking on the interior decorating, and then instantly loses his gay points again by being shit at it. Then because it wouldn't be The Apprentice without some pointless dressing up, some of the boys dress in togas because that, like, totally says 2012 Olympics. Rocky and Philip are the only ones you'd want to see in a toga, and they're the only ones not wearing one, so EPIC FAIL there. Ben's arms look good, admittedly, but it doesn't change his unfortunate face, which looks like he's permanently got cotton wool stuffed in his cheeks.
Despite Emo insisting that they don't need to make nice food, just get people too drunk to notice; serving what seemed to be a pre-digested meal; and offering up food that didn't actually contain any food, the bladdy women win. They get polo lessons as their treat, and for some reason this makes Emo instantly come. Out of the blue, Nick Hewer decides he's going to be FUCKING TERRIFYING when one of the ones who didn't do much claims he actually did loads; Nick disagrees and channels Hannibal Lecter to tell him "I made it my business to watch you for some time." Shudder!
Meanwhile Rocky is blatantly fucked 'cause there's no other obvious person to take the can, and then he takes James and Howard The Gay into the firing line with him, for no apparent reason. James hasn't been so upset since his cat died. It turns out James being upset is a good thing, because he's an utter tosser and he deserves pain. The final boardroom ends up being largely about James and his claim that when he wakes up in the morning he can taste success in his spit. Sralan wonders what happens if he ate a curry the night before. Does success not taste like curry then? I guess Sralan would know; it probably tastes of roast swan and Page 3 girls' tits. Sralan pronounces resume as "res-youuuuuu-may," but that pales into insignificance when he tells James he's the sort of person who can "bunny off a scratch," and NO BASTARD THINKS THIS IS WEIRD, so basically Sralan could say "my hovercraft is full of eels" and people would act as if he's speaking English. Anyway, James is a red herring, it's Rocky who goes. Shame, 'cause he actually seemed like a decent bloke, but he was blatantly a rabbit in the headlights, as opposed to a bunny off a scratch. Or something.
The You're Fired episode straight afterwards is a bit of a weird one; it's like Adrian Chiles isn't used to one of the nice ones being fired this early on in the run. So he just makes cracks about Rocky's zits, which is a bit petty to say the least. Then we get told the full story of how Rocky spent his whole life training to be a footballer, then in his teens, just before joining the big boys, he was diagnosed with arthritis and had to give it up. The whole thing's very sombre and sad, Rocky looks like he's going to cry, and he might not be the Apprentice but on the basis of that sob story he'd probably stand a good chance on The X-Factor. You're Fired always gives the loser a parting gift, and in a horribly misjudged moment, Chiles gives Rocky a Boro shirt signed by all the friends he trained with, who are now professional footballers in the top couple of Divisions. Unsurprisingly, the gift of "You know how you thought you'd be a professional footballer signing shirts for fans but then you got sick? Well here's a reminder of all your former friends who moved on and left you behind!" doesn't exactly make his eyes light up with joy.
Oh well; next week they have to design a new piece of fitness equipment, so hopefully it'll be back to pointing at the freaks and laughing, without the bitter aftertaste.
Actually a spoiler right from the start, because see how Michael Sophocles is still up there representing The Apprentice? Yeah, turns out there's not much point making a Rocky Andrews avatar because it's Week Two and my sweepstake's already gone. Boo! Still, it's probably better than him hanging around long enough to make a complete twunt of himself and be a downright embarassment to anyone supporting him. Yes, you, Sophocles. Anyway, it seems that my place of work will end up being the location of the sole topless Rocky shot:
Hmm, not bad. See, the mistake he (and Philip) made was not answering the phone in his pants, and any fule no that's how you win The Apprentice. Instead Mono got to the phone first, which is completely pointless what with her being a bladdy woman.
This week Nick watches the boys (more of that later) and Margaret the girls; she gives them such an evil look it's a shame she doesn't go the whole hog and cackle a bit. It's catering time, which means Ignite! is looking like an unfortunate name choice, since it suggests the food's burnt. Considering what the girls' food ends up looking like, I have no idea whether it was or not. The greasy emo schoolgirl who's been glaring at them is still there, and they make her Project Manager because she claims to run a restaurant, which uses the finest ingredients Lidl can provide. Rocky runs a chain of sandwich shops, so he's in charge of the boys. Incredibly, I've since found out he actually does own sandwich shops, and not a couple of dodgy burger vans - no wonder he's doomed, he's broken a cardinal rule of the show, and handed in an accurate CV. The shops are called something like Fatso's, so marketing is perhaps not his strong point. He delegates this to Madge, the one with the beard. He decides they should theme it after the 2012 Olympics which, huh? I mean, apart from it being a shit theme, why should sandwiches need a theme in the first place? Unless the theme is "sandwiches."
Emo demonstrates that the secret to running a successful restaurant is to say the word "basil" in a ludicrous cod-Italian accent, while Philip demonstrates that while I *would*, he really really shouldn't be allowed to speak. His entire contribution all episode is doom and gloom, so he can say "I told you so" if things go tits-up. He also refers to Rocky as "the gaffer," and frankly just because he looks a bit like John Terry doesn't mean he has to talk like a footballer. On the girls' team, Sidegob is trying to convince a city boss type that they should buy her sandwiches. She comes a bit unstuck when it becomes clear her entire knowledge of food is "er, I've definitely heard of... food... I think I might have even eaten some once." And yet they sell some sandwiches at lunchtime, the boys don't, so that's not ideal for Rocky. Still, there's always the big do in the evening. Howard reminds us he's the Token Gay by taking on the interior decorating, and then instantly loses his gay points again by being shit at it. Then because it wouldn't be The Apprentice without some pointless dressing up, some of the boys dress in togas because that, like, totally says 2012 Olympics. Rocky and Philip are the only ones you'd want to see in a toga, and they're the only ones not wearing one, so EPIC FAIL there. Ben's arms look good, admittedly, but it doesn't change his unfortunate face, which looks like he's permanently got cotton wool stuffed in his cheeks.
Despite Emo insisting that they don't need to make nice food, just get people too drunk to notice; serving what seemed to be a pre-digested meal; and offering up food that didn't actually contain any food, the bladdy women win. They get polo lessons as their treat, and for some reason this makes Emo instantly come. Out of the blue, Nick Hewer decides he's going to be FUCKING TERRIFYING when one of the ones who didn't do much claims he actually did loads; Nick disagrees and channels Hannibal Lecter to tell him "I made it my business to watch you for some time." Shudder!
Meanwhile Rocky is blatantly fucked 'cause there's no other obvious person to take the can, and then he takes James and Howard The Gay into the firing line with him, for no apparent reason. James hasn't been so upset since his cat died. It turns out James being upset is a good thing, because he's an utter tosser and he deserves pain. The final boardroom ends up being largely about James and his claim that when he wakes up in the morning he can taste success in his spit. Sralan wonders what happens if he ate a curry the night before. Does success not taste like curry then? I guess Sralan would know; it probably tastes of roast swan and Page 3 girls' tits. Sralan pronounces resume as "res-youuuuuu-may," but that pales into insignificance when he tells James he's the sort of person who can "bunny off a scratch," and NO BASTARD THINKS THIS IS WEIRD, so basically Sralan could say "my hovercraft is full of eels" and people would act as if he's speaking English. Anyway, James is a red herring, it's Rocky who goes. Shame, 'cause he actually seemed like a decent bloke, but he was blatantly a rabbit in the headlights, as opposed to a bunny off a scratch. Or something.
The You're Fired episode straight afterwards is a bit of a weird one; it's like Adrian Chiles isn't used to one of the nice ones being fired this early on in the run. So he just makes cracks about Rocky's zits, which is a bit petty to say the least. Then we get told the full story of how Rocky spent his whole life training to be a footballer, then in his teens, just before joining the big boys, he was diagnosed with arthritis and had to give it up. The whole thing's very sombre and sad, Rocky looks like he's going to cry, and he might not be the Apprentice but on the basis of that sob story he'd probably stand a good chance on The X-Factor. You're Fired always gives the loser a parting gift, and in a horribly misjudged moment, Chiles gives Rocky a Boro shirt signed by all the friends he trained with, who are now professional footballers in the top couple of Divisions. Unsurprisingly, the gift of "You know how you thought you'd be a professional footballer signing shirts for fans but then you got sick? Well here's a reminder of all your former friends who moved on and left you behind!" doesn't exactly make his eyes light up with joy.
Oh well; next week they have to design a new piece of fitness equipment, so hopefully it'll be back to pointing at the freaks and laughing, without the bitter aftertaste.