i realign, i'm just breathing.. don't close your eyes, see if we have a chance
the sky weeps tonight. our blood is wiped away.. i am waiting for you.
i love killswitch engage.
*sigh*
i'm split straight down the middle. i hate breaking up with mike, cuz i know it won't last. he won't let go. i'll tell him i don't want this, i don't want to be with you (knowing that in some aspects i really do) and he'll try and talk it out, but me being stubborn as he loves to point out, won't have it. and you'd expect after that for him to leave me alone, but he doesn't. then he'll start talking about how much i mean to him and how in love he is and how besides caiden i'm the only solid thing he has in his life (not true according to me, but that's cuz i know he has a lot more going for him) and he'll continue to fight and apologize and say he'll do whatever to make it better ..and next thing you know i'm caving in and we're back together.
i don't know what to do.
he's the nicest, sweetest guy i've ever dated cept brandon but brandon had that poetic side to him, whereas mike just has to look at me a certain way and i'm rolling my eyes cuz i know exactly what that look is saying. i mean, this guy would do anything for me without hesitation, no matter what i asked of him but at the same time he's not going to take my shit in stride, if i'm wrong in something he'll tell me straight up how it is. not to mention he's shown me a different aspect of life and how things should be done, and he's broadened my horizons by getting me back into piercing which ultimately is part of the reason i agreed to be sandy's apprentice. if i can pierce, i might as well be able to tattoo as well right? add it to the list of things i like to dabble in. plus when it comes to music i have someone i can sit there and shoot names and facts with, someone i can bring to every show cuz we have the same taste, and a lot of the same friends on the local band circuit.
then on the flip side, there are things that make me want to be able to let him go for good.
with kayleigh due in whenever she feels like coming out at this point, i can't be going out there at all hours of the day and night to hang out. i don't want to go to keg parties and sit in arjay's apartment while they all get high and play guitar, or guitar hero 3. i don't want to be at mike's and corey's house while they invite everyone over to come hang out and act like idiots, while mike doesn't, corey's friends are ..more remedial.
ya know, it's great that he just got this house. he needed it, he's been waiting for something like this to happen to him for a long time. after having to sell that car his dad got him i know that was just another nail in the coffin, but this house is a great omen of things to come. he's the best piercer in the midwest, second best in the country, he gets invited to shops all over the US for guest spots.. he has an awesome future ahead of him. and i can't be going with him everywhere once the baby is here which is going to bum him out cuz if he could, i know he'd have me go with him on every trip.
and i hate how over protective he can be, because even tho mini chaos grows within, i still like to think that i can do things any normal person can do. like going to shows, he's toootally supportive of me going, as long as either he is there or there's a crowd of people going with me to make sure nothing happens to me. now, i've been to thousands of shows, i know how to stay out of pits but he insists on playing savior, and i'm the almighty part two, i need no savior. then once she's here i don't want him trying to play daddy, she ..in an aspect, has a father. and while he's going to be around as little or as much as he wants, i'm still raising her to know that brad is who brad is in relation to her. but at the same time that's not fair to mike in the least, because he's been the one going through this with me every step of the way, not brad. he's been the one dealing with the mood swings and the psycho hormonal moments, and he's been the one who has seen the transformation from my pretty little self into my pretty ..pregnant self. he's been the one keeping me sane and trying to shake the fear from me, he's been the one giving the advice and asking how she's doing, and in essence the reason he's being over protective is to protect her and make sure she is as healthy as she can be.
see?!?!
see how considerate and thoughtful he is?
drives me fuckin insane.
i can take care of myself, i don't want someone doing it for me.
but on the other hand it makes me appreciate him even more..
even when it comes to me fighting, he steps in and becomes my enforcer, well, when i let him that is. there are times when he knows what's going on and what's about to come of it, like with that kim situation where he went crazy on me and told me i wasn't going anywhere and if i did he was coming with me and he'd shoot her before i got to her to be able to beat the life from her. just so the kid wouldn't be put in any immediate danger. but then there are the times when i'm taking care of business and he's not there and then he'll ask what i've been up to and i tell him and what's he do? tell me i can't do it, that it's not safe.
no living human being has gotten a hit in since chance, and before that incident noone had gotten the opportunity cept that one girl in 7th grade, but that's when she pushed me, that was all she got in.. and then we both went into the lake. once i'm in fight mode, i simply take em out, there's no time for them to try and fight back or to get out of it. but when i think about it i know he's right, i know i shouldn't be kickin the shit outta people just cuz you never know what can happen. she's not in danger from being killed but if she gets hurt in any way, and i can't heal her, there'd be my first ever regret. see what this kid is capable of pulling outta me? i regret nothing, but for my daughter, i'm capable of it. shocking i tell you.
i'm not in love with mike. there are times when i'm with him and i can look him in the eyes and know if he were to say i love you at that moment i wouldn't be able to say i reciprocate. however, there are a few moments when i know i would. i love him as a person, i love him as a friend, i love him for the individual he is because like me, he is one of the few real people in this world. him and i are both one person at all times, not one person around these people, and a completely different person around others. we're the same no matter where we go, who we're with, we represent ourselves in the same way. i love that about him. i love that he has a violent streak that's as bad if not worse than mine. i love how level headed he can be, and logical, and intelligent, and driven, and focused.. i love that he's so well rounded and knows how to do so many diverse things. i love that he'd be willing to go anywhere with me, any time, no questions asked. i love that he tried to get me to marry him in vegas, that was adorable ..but no billy idol, no wedding.
yet i hate that he puts so much on my shoulders. i hate that he hands me our relationship and says, here, what you want goes. i hate that he tries to get me to move in with him knowing i could never leave my brothers here. i hate that he'll say how much he hates cells.. yet he blames us not talking as much as he wants to on the fact that i haven't bought him one. ok. i got you one before, i paid for it, and yeah we talked constantly, but all he did was complain about how much he hated it and wanted the stupid iphone. i hate that he wants me with him every second of every day, even tho that's something i love about him. i hate that he thinks he has the solution for every issue i'll ever have, but when it comes to his life he's so lost he has to wait until the key is in his hands to know that that's what he needs to open the door.
this guy makes me feel like a crazy person, and i've told him that ..i don't know how many times. and every time he'll say how do i do that, and i'll explain all of this to him and all he can say is you're right, i'm sorry. but how can you apologize for being in love with someone? how can you apologize for being the reason they smile, the reason they're still standing and have not fallen? how can you apologize for making someone realize that it's okay to move on and not allow the past to drown you?
you can't.
plain and simple.
i won't let myself fall in love with him because i don't want to be in love, i don't want to open that door again no matter how easy he makes it look. i don't want to move into his house with kayleigh and tattoo at the shop with him, i don't want to marry him and be a family..
so what is it that i do want?
wish i knew..
he fits me perfectly, his piece fits in the puzzle just right, but ..i don't know
there's something that just doesn't add him up to be the sum of what i'm looking for.
there's something missing, and it's not necessarily even his fault, cuz he's absolutely perfect the way he is.
i want more, tho it doesn't get any better than him.
what i want ..i don't know.
i see him, instant smile. think of him, and it's half smile, half frown. he can do better, he deserves better. even tho better doesn't exist.. but someone who at least is capable of loving him how he deserves to be loved. and he cares so much about me and kayleigh, that i don't know if he'd ever fully let go even if it came to a point where i really did stick to my guns and leave him. i know the day that that happens i'll probably cry like gramma just died again.. cuz he's so amazing, i know i shouldn't let him go ..but i know i have to. i don't know why, but i know i do.
he has to be at the hospital when she's born tho.. i'll flip if he's not. i'm gonna be the most frightened i've ever been cuz i know exactly what'll be in store for me.. and he gives me a sense of strength and stability, support. i don't know how that'll happen but it has to, who else is capable of keeping me calm? exactly. in a way i need that boy. and in a way i do love that boy, but at the end of the day, that won't matter, i have to remember how to be strong for myself, without him there to lean on. i just don't want to have to because of how happy he does make me, no one else has ever made me smile the way he does.. but i know he's not the right one. oi. i'm off to go ...rollerblade or something.
"everything i thought was sacred has turned to black.."
"i want you to remember a love so full it could fill us always, and i want you to surrender; all my fears rose today, and i want you to remain"
i love killswitch engage.
*sigh*
i'm split straight down the middle. i hate breaking up with mike, cuz i know it won't last. he won't let go. i'll tell him i don't want this, i don't want to be with you (knowing that in some aspects i really do) and he'll try and talk it out, but me being stubborn as he loves to point out, won't have it. and you'd expect after that for him to leave me alone, but he doesn't. then he'll start talking about how much i mean to him and how in love he is and how besides caiden i'm the only solid thing he has in his life (not true according to me, but that's cuz i know he has a lot more going for him) and he'll continue to fight and apologize and say he'll do whatever to make it better ..and next thing you know i'm caving in and we're back together.
i don't know what to do.
he's the nicest, sweetest guy i've ever dated cept brandon but brandon had that poetic side to him, whereas mike just has to look at me a certain way and i'm rolling my eyes cuz i know exactly what that look is saying. i mean, this guy would do anything for me without hesitation, no matter what i asked of him but at the same time he's not going to take my shit in stride, if i'm wrong in something he'll tell me straight up how it is. not to mention he's shown me a different aspect of life and how things should be done, and he's broadened my horizons by getting me back into piercing which ultimately is part of the reason i agreed to be sandy's apprentice. if i can pierce, i might as well be able to tattoo as well right? add it to the list of things i like to dabble in. plus when it comes to music i have someone i can sit there and shoot names and facts with, someone i can bring to every show cuz we have the same taste, and a lot of the same friends on the local band circuit.
then on the flip side, there are things that make me want to be able to let him go for good.
with kayleigh due in whenever she feels like coming out at this point, i can't be going out there at all hours of the day and night to hang out. i don't want to go to keg parties and sit in arjay's apartment while they all get high and play guitar, or guitar hero 3. i don't want to be at mike's and corey's house while they invite everyone over to come hang out and act like idiots, while mike doesn't, corey's friends are ..more remedial.
ya know, it's great that he just got this house. he needed it, he's been waiting for something like this to happen to him for a long time. after having to sell that car his dad got him i know that was just another nail in the coffin, but this house is a great omen of things to come. he's the best piercer in the midwest, second best in the country, he gets invited to shops all over the US for guest spots.. he has an awesome future ahead of him. and i can't be going with him everywhere once the baby is here which is going to bum him out cuz if he could, i know he'd have me go with him on every trip.
and i hate how over protective he can be, because even tho mini chaos grows within, i still like to think that i can do things any normal person can do. like going to shows, he's toootally supportive of me going, as long as either he is there or there's a crowd of people going with me to make sure nothing happens to me. now, i've been to thousands of shows, i know how to stay out of pits but he insists on playing savior, and i'm the almighty part two, i need no savior. then once she's here i don't want him trying to play daddy, she ..in an aspect, has a father. and while he's going to be around as little or as much as he wants, i'm still raising her to know that brad is who brad is in relation to her. but at the same time that's not fair to mike in the least, because he's been the one going through this with me every step of the way, not brad. he's been the one dealing with the mood swings and the psycho hormonal moments, and he's been the one who has seen the transformation from my pretty little self into my pretty ..pregnant self. he's been the one keeping me sane and trying to shake the fear from me, he's been the one giving the advice and asking how she's doing, and in essence the reason he's being over protective is to protect her and make sure she is as healthy as she can be.
see?!?!
see how considerate and thoughtful he is?
drives me fuckin insane.
i can take care of myself, i don't want someone doing it for me.
but on the other hand it makes me appreciate him even more..
even when it comes to me fighting, he steps in and becomes my enforcer, well, when i let him that is. there are times when he knows what's going on and what's about to come of it, like with that kim situation where he went crazy on me and told me i wasn't going anywhere and if i did he was coming with me and he'd shoot her before i got to her to be able to beat the life from her. just so the kid wouldn't be put in any immediate danger. but then there are the times when i'm taking care of business and he's not there and then he'll ask what i've been up to and i tell him and what's he do? tell me i can't do it, that it's not safe.
no living human being has gotten a hit in since chance, and before that incident noone had gotten the opportunity cept that one girl in 7th grade, but that's when she pushed me, that was all she got in.. and then we both went into the lake. once i'm in fight mode, i simply take em out, there's no time for them to try and fight back or to get out of it. but when i think about it i know he's right, i know i shouldn't be kickin the shit outta people just cuz you never know what can happen. she's not in danger from being killed but if she gets hurt in any way, and i can't heal her, there'd be my first ever regret. see what this kid is capable of pulling outta me? i regret nothing, but for my daughter, i'm capable of it. shocking i tell you.
i'm not in love with mike. there are times when i'm with him and i can look him in the eyes and know if he were to say i love you at that moment i wouldn't be able to say i reciprocate. however, there are a few moments when i know i would. i love him as a person, i love him as a friend, i love him for the individual he is because like me, he is one of the few real people in this world. him and i are both one person at all times, not one person around these people, and a completely different person around others. we're the same no matter where we go, who we're with, we represent ourselves in the same way. i love that about him. i love that he has a violent streak that's as bad if not worse than mine. i love how level headed he can be, and logical, and intelligent, and driven, and focused.. i love that he's so well rounded and knows how to do so many diverse things. i love that he'd be willing to go anywhere with me, any time, no questions asked. i love that he tried to get me to marry him in vegas, that was adorable ..but no billy idol, no wedding.
yet i hate that he puts so much on my shoulders. i hate that he hands me our relationship and says, here, what you want goes. i hate that he tries to get me to move in with him knowing i could never leave my brothers here. i hate that he'll say how much he hates cells.. yet he blames us not talking as much as he wants to on the fact that i haven't bought him one. ok. i got you one before, i paid for it, and yeah we talked constantly, but all he did was complain about how much he hated it and wanted the stupid iphone. i hate that he wants me with him every second of every day, even tho that's something i love about him. i hate that he thinks he has the solution for every issue i'll ever have, but when it comes to his life he's so lost he has to wait until the key is in his hands to know that that's what he needs to open the door.
this guy makes me feel like a crazy person, and i've told him that ..i don't know how many times. and every time he'll say how do i do that, and i'll explain all of this to him and all he can say is you're right, i'm sorry. but how can you apologize for being in love with someone? how can you apologize for being the reason they smile, the reason they're still standing and have not fallen? how can you apologize for making someone realize that it's okay to move on and not allow the past to drown you?
you can't.
plain and simple.
i won't let myself fall in love with him because i don't want to be in love, i don't want to open that door again no matter how easy he makes it look. i don't want to move into his house with kayleigh and tattoo at the shop with him, i don't want to marry him and be a family..
so what is it that i do want?
wish i knew..
he fits me perfectly, his piece fits in the puzzle just right, but ..i don't know
there's something that just doesn't add him up to be the sum of what i'm looking for.
there's something missing, and it's not necessarily even his fault, cuz he's absolutely perfect the way he is.
i want more, tho it doesn't get any better than him.
what i want ..i don't know.
i see him, instant smile. think of him, and it's half smile, half frown. he can do better, he deserves better. even tho better doesn't exist.. but someone who at least is capable of loving him how he deserves to be loved. and he cares so much about me and kayleigh, that i don't know if he'd ever fully let go even if it came to a point where i really did stick to my guns and leave him. i know the day that that happens i'll probably cry like gramma just died again.. cuz he's so amazing, i know i shouldn't let him go ..but i know i have to. i don't know why, but i know i do.
he has to be at the hospital when she's born tho.. i'll flip if he's not. i'm gonna be the most frightened i've ever been cuz i know exactly what'll be in store for me.. and he gives me a sense of strength and stability, support. i don't know how that'll happen but it has to, who else is capable of keeping me calm? exactly. in a way i need that boy. and in a way i do love that boy, but at the end of the day, that won't matter, i have to remember how to be strong for myself, without him there to lean on. i just don't want to have to because of how happy he does make me, no one else has ever made me smile the way he does.. but i know he's not the right one. oi. i'm off to go ...rollerblade or something.
"everything i thought was sacred has turned to black.."
"i want you to remember a love so full it could fill us always, and i want you to surrender; all my fears rose today, and i want you to remain"