I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I AM not who you think i am
ok anyone that knows me knows i have a hard time making friends and being able to trust anyone. I have my own way of looking at life and for the last 2 years i have had someone to look through these eyes with me, whitney. We all know that ended this weekend. im am not how i thought i would be about it, i actually believe for the first time other than at central i am starting to know what depression is. I FUCKING HATE IT. im not used to having noone around i can talk to. i have my friend paul from work, shawn who is far away, jon who never see, walker and bogesus. I hope to soon be able to hang out with whitney as friends so im not so lonely. this is the first time i have actually bared my soul to this fucking livejournal. I have a hard time with life when i dont know where to go or what to do with myself all i can do is dwell on the past and hope it is the present. i am no stuck working 55 hours a week with no chance to make new friends but on the weekend and when i go out i either go to garlands or a concert with paul. i keep just physically shutting down cause i have no idea what i am to do with my feelings my words or my thoughts. i am not a very polite person and i tend to say what i feel and those that i hurt by doing this i dont mean to unless i actually say i meant to hurt you with it.
i am an aggresive person i dont know how to change i want to just punch things until i fall asleep right now but i cant, i want to scream but i have no voice, and i want to curl up in a corner and hide in the shadows and be forgotten so i dont feel so sorry about myself cause if noone cares about me how could i even fucking care for myself.
I WISH I THOUGHT BEFORE I SPOKE JUST TO SAVE MYSELF FROM HURTING OTHERS I NEED IN MY LIFE,
i only have a family that cares for me,
how can i even try to fucking care for myself and do what i mus with this piece of shit life i have created for myself.
i truly dont know what to do and i just cant think straight or let alone think of the reasons i have to care about what is going on in my life
the things i want in life will always be in my grasp and slide away without me being able to hold on long ENOUGH TO SAVE ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I HAVE ACTUALLY LOVED IN THIS LIFE, TO WHERE I CAN KEEP WHAT I NEED WITH ME AND BE HAPPY AND FALL AWAY FROM THE WORLD WITH ALL THAT I NEED
I NEED SOMETHING BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT
i am an aggresive person i dont know how to change i want to just punch things until i fall asleep right now but i cant, i want to scream but i have no voice, and i want to curl up in a corner and hide in the shadows and be forgotten so i dont feel so sorry about myself cause if noone cares about me how could i even fucking care for myself.
I WISH I THOUGHT BEFORE I SPOKE JUST TO SAVE MYSELF FROM HURTING OTHERS I NEED IN MY LIFE,
i only have a family that cares for me,
how can i even try to fucking care for myself and do what i mus with this piece of shit life i have created for myself.
i truly dont know what to do and i just cant think straight or let alone think of the reasons i have to care about what is going on in my life
the things i want in life will always be in my grasp and slide away without me being able to hold on long ENOUGH TO SAVE ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I HAVE ACTUALLY LOVED IN THIS LIFE, TO WHERE I CAN KEEP WHAT I NEED WITH ME AND BE HAPPY AND FALL AWAY FROM THE WORLD WITH ALL THAT I NEED
I NEED SOMETHING BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT