Upon life
So, I haven't said much lately, for I haven't had much to say. Or rather I have felt my life too boring to speak of. Though, before that I was mostly tweeting rather than ljing anyway. And now I find myself at the point that twitter doesn't really suit any more either. If only there was some new social media bandwagon to jump upon :P
Anyway, I felt I should say some things. Not that it is that important to say them, but, I don't know, perhaps people would like to know what I do other than nothing, and for my life not to be some empty void. I find myself keeping on saying "Nothing much" when people ask me what I have been doing, which isn't particularly positive on my part. It is hard to be optimistic when you think you aren't doing much. But I have been doing a few things.
Firstly, I actually got a real job. Though perhaps it isn't really a real job, since I only do it once a week (not out of choice, but rather because they only have one shift for me). Also, it isn't really that impressive a thing, since it is the kind of casual job that I could have been doing during uni, and I probably should have been doing something back then. But we cannot change the past.
Anyway, with all that disclaimer out of the way, for the last few weeks I have been working as a theatre orderly at Attadale Private Hospital. In theory my job is about transporting patients to and from theatre, but mostly it involves emptying bins and mopping floors. The shifts vary in length, depending on operating lists, eg. yesterday I worked a full day 0730-1800, but next week I only am working an afternoon. Whilst I wouldn't call it highly exciting, it is surprisingly rewarding, since I feel that I am actually being useful. The nurses show appreciation for my help with things, and the patients appreciate their treatment. It makes me feel more human, and less empty. I guess my role is sort of shielded from the problems/drama/tragedies/whatever that the nurses have to deal with, and I exist in blissful ignorance of things that are going on within other parts of the hospital. Also, it is a quiet, small hospital, 38 beds I think, that mostly does maternity and day-surgery, and I haven't seen anything other than obstetric, gynaecological, and urological cases. So there isn't really as much possibility for tragedy as there might be in other places. Though maybe I will witness some sad event at some point, for now it has only been nice experiences.
As I said, it makes me feel more human, and my experiences so far have reminded me of how I can be a nice, friendly person, rather than the grumpy, antisocial loner that I am used to seeing myself as. On my first day in this job, I was struck by the realisation that I was experiencing a sort of engagement/passion that I had forgotten I could have about work. It was something that I used to have about school, both in my learning and in my achievements, before I became disenchanted and disheartened at some point in the journey (I guess somewhere in year 11 or 12). Another realisation, on reflection, is that my experiences in this job have sort of confirmed for me that I'm not really suited to medicine, as I feel have too little sympathy, and too much empathy: I don't care about people as much as I get emotionally moved by them. It seems to me that doctors and nurses would need to care a lot about the well-being of patients, but not get too emotionally attached or involved in the situation, but perhaps I am wrong in regards to this assumption? Though perhaps I sell myself short on the sympathy side, I mean it isn't as if I don't care at all, I do try to make patients comfortable etc.
In any case I feel that this job is a positive thing in many ways. For a while this year I felt useless. I'd feel that I should really go and find a job, but then I wouldn't feel that I was really qualified or experienced enough to do anything. I found myself endlessly feeling that if I were an employer, I wouldn't hire me, and so how could I expect anyone to want me to do a job when there would, no doubt, be people better suited to do it. This lead to spiralling lack of confidence and self-esteem, and after unsuccessfully applying for a few things (mostly simple lab jobs that I didn't really want that much, but that I thought "well, I don't know what I can do really, but I have a chemistry degree so I guess I might be qualified for something like that", and each failure leading to even less confidence about the next application) I got into a depressive rut where the only point to my life was the occasional social event or party. I'd talk to people, but I wouldn't really feel I had anything really to say about myself, and didn't feel like people should respect me, and I didn't feel like I had anything to recommend myself to new people. I was the spoiled rich kid who'd done nothing with his life, and everyone knew that.
Thus it is good to have something to feel useful and worthwhile about. Even if it isn't really that big or amazing a thing, it is something at least. Some small thing that means that I am not doing nothing. Hopefully now I will have something I can build on, something that will allow me to say "Well, I was capable of working productively at this, and I interacted well with the staff and patients, so therefore I feel that I can do similarly well in position X that I am applying for." And maybe I will be able to find some other job to allow me to use up more of my time doing productive things. As it is right now, I don't really feel that working one day a week entitles me to say that I am working when someone asks me what I am doing with my life.
Another thing I am doing, though I haven't done that much work on it yet, is that my aunty has asked me to write the booklet for the 50th anniversary of the Laguna Veneto Bocce Club, of which my uncle is the current president. I said yes to this, knowing that it would probably force me to do something outside of my comfort zone, since I essentially have to interview a lot of strangers about the history of the club. It is somewhat daunting to turn up to the club, seeing only a few familiar faces, and having lost all the Italian I learned in high-school (which wasn't a lot in the first place). Not that that really matters in terms of talking to people, since nearly everyone is fluent in English, but there is a lot of Italian being spoken between everyone, especially during lunch and dinner, which intensifies my feeling of being an outsider. But at least I understand some of the jokes, and I can appreciate the playful teasing that occurs between people from different regions. The people are nice, and not as scary as they first seem, and there is a certain impressiveness to them, all these stocky men and women with massive, strong hands, and weather-worn faces, that gather in a building that they built with their own labour. There is a confidence and strength of character to most of them, which makes sense since that kind of person seems more likely to be one to choose to leave their country in search of a better life, and it is a warm feeling to feel respected by such people. In some ways I feel more welcome around them than I do around people more like myself (though I guess that isn't surprising since I'm not that welcoming a person :P).
As to the rest of my life currently, it is nice to be relaxed and less anxious, to not be stressed about assignments or exams.
Anyway, I felt I should say some things. Not that it is that important to say them, but, I don't know, perhaps people would like to know what I do other than nothing, and for my life not to be some empty void. I find myself keeping on saying "Nothing much" when people ask me what I have been doing, which isn't particularly positive on my part. It is hard to be optimistic when you think you aren't doing much. But I have been doing a few things.
Firstly, I actually got a real job. Though perhaps it isn't really a real job, since I only do it once a week (not out of choice, but rather because they only have one shift for me). Also, it isn't really that impressive a thing, since it is the kind of casual job that I could have been doing during uni, and I probably should have been doing something back then. But we cannot change the past.
Anyway, with all that disclaimer out of the way, for the last few weeks I have been working as a theatre orderly at Attadale Private Hospital. In theory my job is about transporting patients to and from theatre, but mostly it involves emptying bins and mopping floors. The shifts vary in length, depending on operating lists, eg. yesterday I worked a full day 0730-1800, but next week I only am working an afternoon. Whilst I wouldn't call it highly exciting, it is surprisingly rewarding, since I feel that I am actually being useful. The nurses show appreciation for my help with things, and the patients appreciate their treatment. It makes me feel more human, and less empty. I guess my role is sort of shielded from the problems/drama/tragedies/whatever that the nurses have to deal with, and I exist in blissful ignorance of things that are going on within other parts of the hospital. Also, it is a quiet, small hospital, 38 beds I think, that mostly does maternity and day-surgery, and I haven't seen anything other than obstetric, gynaecological, and urological cases. So there isn't really as much possibility for tragedy as there might be in other places. Though maybe I will witness some sad event at some point, for now it has only been nice experiences.
As I said, it makes me feel more human, and my experiences so far have reminded me of how I can be a nice, friendly person, rather than the grumpy, antisocial loner that I am used to seeing myself as. On my first day in this job, I was struck by the realisation that I was experiencing a sort of engagement/passion that I had forgotten I could have about work. It was something that I used to have about school, both in my learning and in my achievements, before I became disenchanted and disheartened at some point in the journey (I guess somewhere in year 11 or 12). Another realisation, on reflection, is that my experiences in this job have sort of confirmed for me that I'm not really suited to medicine, as I feel have too little sympathy, and too much empathy: I don't care about people as much as I get emotionally moved by them. It seems to me that doctors and nurses would need to care a lot about the well-being of patients, but not get too emotionally attached or involved in the situation, but perhaps I am wrong in regards to this assumption? Though perhaps I sell myself short on the sympathy side, I mean it isn't as if I don't care at all, I do try to make patients comfortable etc.
In any case I feel that this job is a positive thing in many ways. For a while this year I felt useless. I'd feel that I should really go and find a job, but then I wouldn't feel that I was really qualified or experienced enough to do anything. I found myself endlessly feeling that if I were an employer, I wouldn't hire me, and so how could I expect anyone to want me to do a job when there would, no doubt, be people better suited to do it. This lead to spiralling lack of confidence and self-esteem, and after unsuccessfully applying for a few things (mostly simple lab jobs that I didn't really want that much, but that I thought "well, I don't know what I can do really, but I have a chemistry degree so I guess I might be qualified for something like that", and each failure leading to even less confidence about the next application) I got into a depressive rut where the only point to my life was the occasional social event or party. I'd talk to people, but I wouldn't really feel I had anything really to say about myself, and didn't feel like people should respect me, and I didn't feel like I had anything to recommend myself to new people. I was the spoiled rich kid who'd done nothing with his life, and everyone knew that.
Thus it is good to have something to feel useful and worthwhile about. Even if it isn't really that big or amazing a thing, it is something at least. Some small thing that means that I am not doing nothing. Hopefully now I will have something I can build on, something that will allow me to say "Well, I was capable of working productively at this, and I interacted well with the staff and patients, so therefore I feel that I can do similarly well in position X that I am applying for." And maybe I will be able to find some other job to allow me to use up more of my time doing productive things. As it is right now, I don't really feel that working one day a week entitles me to say that I am working when someone asks me what I am doing with my life.
Another thing I am doing, though I haven't done that much work on it yet, is that my aunty has asked me to write the booklet for the 50th anniversary of the Laguna Veneto Bocce Club, of which my uncle is the current president. I said yes to this, knowing that it would probably force me to do something outside of my comfort zone, since I essentially have to interview a lot of strangers about the history of the club. It is somewhat daunting to turn up to the club, seeing only a few familiar faces, and having lost all the Italian I learned in high-school (which wasn't a lot in the first place). Not that that really matters in terms of talking to people, since nearly everyone is fluent in English, but there is a lot of Italian being spoken between everyone, especially during lunch and dinner, which intensifies my feeling of being an outsider. But at least I understand some of the jokes, and I can appreciate the playful teasing that occurs between people from different regions. The people are nice, and not as scary as they first seem, and there is a certain impressiveness to them, all these stocky men and women with massive, strong hands, and weather-worn faces, that gather in a building that they built with their own labour. There is a confidence and strength of character to most of them, which makes sense since that kind of person seems more likely to be one to choose to leave their country in search of a better life, and it is a warm feeling to feel respected by such people. In some ways I feel more welcome around them than I do around people more like myself (though I guess that isn't surprising since I'm not that welcoming a person :P).
As to the rest of my life currently, it is nice to be relaxed and less anxious, to not be stressed about assignments or exams.