War is Hell, but at least the icecream tastes good.
Things are getting harder. I go to sleep every night wondering if, what I'm doing here, is making a difference at all. There isn't any need for US forces to continue to be in Iraq. We are literally just playing cat and mouse.. roll out on mission.. wait to get hit.. most days it doesn't happen. In fact, it hasn't happened once since I've been here. I've had a carbomb follow in near a city named Hawidja, but that is about all of the action I've seen since I've been here.
I don't really know, I feel that if I'm going to be here, then something needs to happen, and now I know none of my friends want to hear or read this, but I'm here wasting my time. I don't consider myself a hero in any way, shape, or form. The fact that we don't need to be here is getting to me. Time and time again I go to sleep at night wanting to get out of here. Depression has kicked in, and I still have 7-8 months left. This isn't the "woe is me, a girl doesn't want to be with me" depression.. I don't have anything here nor do I have anything to go back to.. They have started sending some of our support elements home because they say we are "over staffed". If I were actually making money while being over here then hell yeah.. I'd stay, but I'm not making money, I'm giving money to my parents to help pay for their bills, I can't be home with my parents, my dad was just diagnosed with diabetes and has been in the hospital for 4-5 days.
Most days we sit around the houses we live in here. I don't want to be around anybody a majority of the time. I can't fake being interested in what monotonous things people in my platoon have to say. I just don't care about anyone or anything anymore. If we were running missions 4-5 days out of the week then time would just fly by, but we aren't, we might run 1 or 2 missions a week, if we are lucky. The down time is what kills us. So the leadership schedules mandatory barbeques, sporting events, movie nights so that we can grow and bond with one another. I don't care to know what is going on in anyones life, how their family is doing, how many girls they've slept with, who they are talking to, who they are going to fuck when they get home. NONE OF THIS MATTERS TO ME.
Often times, I wonder about what I'm going to do in the next couple of years. Am I going to stay in the military once this contract is up? Or am I going to get out and attempt to go to school, just find myself in the same situation I was in before, playing music, not having any money and not doing anything with my life. Am I going to meet a girl that actually wants to be with me ? Who knows..all I know is that I've got to get through this deployment. I used to have nightmares that involved me taking my own life during deployment, because I couldn't deal with doing it while in the states. Thoughts like this scare the shit out of me.
7 more months to go.
I don't really know, I feel that if I'm going to be here, then something needs to happen, and now I know none of my friends want to hear or read this, but I'm here wasting my time. I don't consider myself a hero in any way, shape, or form. The fact that we don't need to be here is getting to me. Time and time again I go to sleep at night wanting to get out of here. Depression has kicked in, and I still have 7-8 months left. This isn't the "woe is me, a girl doesn't want to be with me" depression.. I don't have anything here nor do I have anything to go back to.. They have started sending some of our support elements home because they say we are "over staffed". If I were actually making money while being over here then hell yeah.. I'd stay, but I'm not making money, I'm giving money to my parents to help pay for their bills, I can't be home with my parents, my dad was just diagnosed with diabetes and has been in the hospital for 4-5 days.
Most days we sit around the houses we live in here. I don't want to be around anybody a majority of the time. I can't fake being interested in what monotonous things people in my platoon have to say. I just don't care about anyone or anything anymore. If we were running missions 4-5 days out of the week then time would just fly by, but we aren't, we might run 1 or 2 missions a week, if we are lucky. The down time is what kills us. So the leadership schedules mandatory barbeques, sporting events, movie nights so that we can grow and bond with one another. I don't care to know what is going on in anyones life, how their family is doing, how many girls they've slept with, who they are talking to, who they are going to fuck when they get home. NONE OF THIS MATTERS TO ME.
Often times, I wonder about what I'm going to do in the next couple of years. Am I going to stay in the military once this contract is up? Or am I going to get out and attempt to go to school, just find myself in the same situation I was in before, playing music, not having any money and not doing anything with my life. Am I going to meet a girl that actually wants to be with me ? Who knows..all I know is that I've got to get through this deployment. I used to have nightmares that involved me taking my own life during deployment, because I couldn't deal with doing it while in the states. Thoughts like this scare the shit out of me.
7 more months to go.