Road Trip
So I left Kent, Ohio this mornin at 7:50am this morning. It is currently 1:45 and we are somewhere in West Virginia. Just to give you an idea of how uncomfortble I am...I'll try to describe how I'm sitting. I only have enough room to put one leg down, but I can only angle it diagonally to the right. Well that got old so i now have both legs up - the right one bent, foot on the seat - the left one bent at 90 degrees, knee on the back of the front seat , foot on the window.
I'm pretty mad at my dad and stepmom because they decided it was a good idea ***1:55pm crossed into Virginia*** to bring back furniture from Michigan. That means that everything I needed to live for the past 3 MONTHS needed to fit in 2 of the 3 back seat spaces in this Dodge Ram 1500. The remaining space is mine to sit for this wonderful road trip back to Florida. This is not what I signed up for. Dad said he would be able to pick me up on the way bak from Michigan...he never said that I'd have to sacrifice my stuff in order to fit around the furniture that they don't fucking need. Listen - they're house is a fucking mess it's nothing but clutter. They dont need any more shit! FUCK.
There is this metal bucket in the trunk - you know the ones that babies sit in to get their picture taken with the rubber duck and the rain hat. I saw that and said "Dad. I hope this huge bucket has an intense family connection. DId you get bathed in this as a child? Are you two going to have babies in the mountains an was them in it?" He said ''no''. ''Then why do you need it?'' My stepmom said.......''We're going to put the ose in it.'' WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OT OF ME. I had no idea. Well please. Don't think about me! Fuck - just leave me in Kent, Ohio and fill up the space I take up with more fucking HOSE BUCKETS because obiously they're so fucking important. Well I feel honored. I am going through cross country physical suffering for the sake of this hose bucket. (Which is not an antique or hand crafted or special in any sense. I'm pretty sure that wal mart has fucking metal wash tub buckets on sale for 14.99. But I'm not bitter.) Now...they didn't only bring a wash bucket back. They also have a table or two and a wooden chest or two and Allah knows what else.....or two.
So here I am in the back seat scowling at them every chance I get.
Somewhere in West Virginia, my stepmom offered me the pictures from my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniersary party. I was looking through them and I started to cry. partially because I miss my grandparents (I haven't seen them in at least 6 years) and partially because I couldn't name everyone in the pictures. I realized that I have NO relationships with my dads side of the family. I couldn't stand that feeling. With tears in my eyes and my sunglasses on so no one could see the sadness, I sent a txtmsg to both of my sisters. ''I just wanted to let you guys know that when I have kids, you two are going to be in their lives. I just went through dads pictures and couldn't name everyone. It made me sad. I'm just saying that my kids will be able to name you in pictures. I love you. P.S. I'm trapped in the back seat''
My family (parents) are so fucked up sometimes. Mom has issues with her parents and sisters so I rarely get to see them and I feel like Dad doesn't pay attention emough to realize that I don't know anyting about him or his family. I see my stepmom maybe a total of 4 days a year. I have formed NO relationship with my stepdad - primarily because all he ever does is watch tv, work, an argue with mom. Sometimes I feel so distant from my family. I hate that feeling. This isn't a family. I barely know my sisters. I know nothing what-so-ever about ANY of my step-siblings. Nothing. I just want a family so I can fix what everyone else has fucked up. The family I start will be real family. My sisters will be there, all 4 of my parents will be there, grandparents (godwilling), my aunts and uncles and their children. The same goes for my husbands family. I will work my ass off every single day for the rest of my life to ensure that my children know their family and know them well. I want them to be able to share family stories. i dont want to be a stranger to my children. This is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world - i'm surrounded by strangers and they share my blood. I refuse to let my kids go through this life surrounded by srtangers. Thats not how a child should be raised. And i promise to my children that i shall not make them sacrifice for my gain. A child should never have to sacrifice for their parent's superficial indulgence.
I feel like that's enough....for now. Just wait though....no separation for 2 days - there's bound to be plenty of LiveJournal material available.
Until then...