A little scared
Ryan finally asked his landlord if there were two bedrooms available in his building.
I didn't think he'd ever stop putting it off, but now that he has done it, and has found out that it's on April 1st, and he really wants me to get the ball rolling on my end for moving in with him (officially) I am scared to death.
Do I love the guy? Of course I do.
Do I want to save the money? Fuck yes.
Will I miss the comfort of having my "back up home" just a minute walk down the street? Oh god yes.
This is the closest I've ever come to actually living with someone. I mean, I usually spend a LOT of time with the people I'm dating but THIS, this is really really official.
That's seems to come out with I'm not committed enough. And that's wrong. I am. I love him, don't I?
Gah! I do! I do!
Oh fuck my life. Maybe I'm just freaking out due the shitty anniversaries of things that happened this time last year.
Fuck. All I can think of is "I wished I stayed in Cape Breton" over and over and over. I would still probably have the most important thing that ever happened to me. But, maybe I'd just feel a different kind of trapped. Not trapped in a relationship but trapped on that god damn island.
I hate how I know that I do love Ryan but I know he or no one could ever make me feel the way I used to feel. I miss that. I miss the certainty of knowing this is exactly the person I want, that he is the most wonderful thing to happen to me.
I fucking hate that there isn't any way of feeling that way again.
I think moving in with Ryan will just be the last straw in be accepting that my love life is always going to be "fine" but I just won't have that companionship, that awesome connection to someone that I lost.
Fuck me.
Guess I should start talking to Stef about apartment shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY1ahFCYT5k&feature=fvsr
I didn't think he'd ever stop putting it off, but now that he has done it, and has found out that it's on April 1st, and he really wants me to get the ball rolling on my end for moving in with him (officially) I am scared to death.
Do I love the guy? Of course I do.
Do I want to save the money? Fuck yes.
Will I miss the comfort of having my "back up home" just a minute walk down the street? Oh god yes.
This is the closest I've ever come to actually living with someone. I mean, I usually spend a LOT of time with the people I'm dating but THIS, this is really really official.
That's seems to come out with I'm not committed enough. And that's wrong. I am. I love him, don't I?
Gah! I do! I do!
Oh fuck my life. Maybe I'm just freaking out due the shitty anniversaries of things that happened this time last year.
Fuck. All I can think of is "I wished I stayed in Cape Breton" over and over and over. I would still probably have the most important thing that ever happened to me. But, maybe I'd just feel a different kind of trapped. Not trapped in a relationship but trapped on that god damn island.
I hate how I know that I do love Ryan but I know he or no one could ever make me feel the way I used to feel. I miss that. I miss the certainty of knowing this is exactly the person I want, that he is the most wonderful thing to happen to me.
I fucking hate that there isn't any way of feeling that way again.
I think moving in with Ryan will just be the last straw in be accepting that my love life is always going to be "fine" but I just won't have that companionship, that awesome connection to someone that I lost.
Fuck me.
Guess I should start talking to Stef about apartment shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY1ahFCYT5k&feature=fvsr