Randomness...
These are some odd articles i have recived over the years...
Subject: Computers - male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to etermine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" and "huh" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Subject: Computers - male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to etermine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" and "huh" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.