on new stories and not much else..

[nice_on_ice]

 hello...

below you'll find a link to my first MFA submission.  I did several drafts on this story, and I'm decently satisfied with this one, though it still feels a little top-heavy to me.  as always, fell free to tell me what you think. it'll be critiqued a week from today.  i can't think of a title for the life of me.

William Torrey

Comments

re: story

[anonymous]

Will, I enjoyed your story very much and I found that it held my attention the whole way through. I am curious to know why you set your story in what appears to be the late 70's and why your protagonist's family has just transferred to Ft. Hood from Taiwan. That he comes from abroad certainly makes him more of an "outsider" than usual, but I don't really see you doing anything more with this detail in the story, except for the small anecdote about the East v. West game near the middle. Since this was the first thing that stood out to me, I expected the "Taiwan Connection" to continue throughout the story, but it seems you have kind of dropped it.

For me, the major theme seems to be the boy's loss of innocence and/or loss of belief. And the final scene, with the boy witnessing brutal domestic violence, would certainly have such a jarring effect on a boy, as it does on the reader. This also parallels nicely with Mitch's violence, suggesting that in this family there is a hereditary sin (of violence, hatred) passed on to the younger generation (the surname Bane has to be deliberate). And this is a very powerful and interesting theme you're exploring. But it doesn't seem to tie in well with the the opening movements of the story, which focus on the boy's alienation and isolation among his new classmates. By the end of the story, he doesn't believe anything, but at no point during the story does he seem to have any firm convictions. He starts out as a lonely cynic, a bitter realist during the episode with the fat kid, and he starts and finishes on the couch. So, my question is, what did the kid really believe to begin with? It would be nice to have an arch from the beginning of the story to the last sentence that clarifies the nature of his "fall." But then, perhaps I'm missing something.

The last sentence, I thought, was a bit heavy-handed. "The truth of it all was upon me, and I never really believed in anything ever again." This seems like telling more than showing; perhaps you might look it over.

Overall, the story was very good, much better than some of your writings which I read several years ago. Reminded me a lot of Joyce's "Araby." It's unfair to judge you with Joyce, or to ask you to match that story, which I think is perfect, but you should read it, if you haven't yet.