rant
this is becoming the weirdest week ever. i'm getting into petty things with friends. i never do that, ever, because i'm sure that leads to drama. and i don't really do drama. but i'm doubting my morals and my friends. nothing seems right right now. nothing is normal, nothing is what i want it to feel/be. i'm becoming a self-centered needy greedy little bitch. i realize this but i'm too self-centered to stop. i want an iPod so i can get lost in the music's santuary, and not in the real world. i want to be independent but have no responsibilites. clearly i have no idea what i want, and i'm just feeling incredibly weird this week. am i really who i want me to be?
i know you only live life once, so why not live the hell out of it? i need to get my butt out and live life, yet at the same time, find a way to please my parents. this is pretty much impossible. i have to please so many people around me. i have to go to rehearsal every day for the play, which i understand is a commitment, but sometimes i honestly have things i have to do. i'm going late to/not even going to a bunch of rehearsals this week. she yelled at us today, and thankfully i just let that roll off my back. sometimes i think that she needs to understand that we really do have to do other things. i have to please my teachers, and do all my homework, and study for and kick ass on all my midterms. i have to figure out how the hell to please my english teacher, who refuses to give A's to anyone except chris, alicia, and tracy. sorry i don't agree with you on everything. if i write a paper that has enough supporting points, i still deserve a freaking good grade. i'm already scared for civics next semester, and all that work. i have to ace my math quiz tomorrow so i can get an A- there, and keep that grade up because i'm sure my report card is sucking this semester. next semester i HAVE to bring up my bio grade and start kicking ass there or i'll never make it through alive. and in spanish there is more pressure than ever. first, if i want to get into honors/AP next year, i have to get a B or an A on my midterm, which is basically impossible in kirby's terms. also i have to kick ass on speaking or she won't let me get into the upper class. and if i don't do that, i'll have failed myself too, which is even more fun then failing my teachers. and on top of all of the effing midterms, i have to study for and get my license. my test is in two weeks from today. oh shit. i really didn't think that this day was really coming. oh no, did i say two weeks? that was a joke. it's in a week. no pressure there. good thing i can't back in or parallel park. and i never show up to dance anymore because there's no time for that either. i suck at one of my dances, because i NEVER have time to go to it, and i might have to drop it, which i really really don't want to do. i also have to please the freaking guidance department at my school and get all of my class decisions for next year done soon. i don't know what i want to take! if i slack off, apparently i don't get into college. but i'm sorry, i'm just not that smart! i can't take like fifty APs. i could see maybe AP english, just because, idk, why not. i don't think i can do AP physics because i absolutely suck at math, so i guess that'll just be an honors class. then i'll have to take level 3 calculus, and i've heard that AP stats is different enough that i could maybe take that. (jenn feel free to comment here, because you know we'll be having this chat soon anyways). i have to take economics because it didn't fit in this year. i'll take honors french three, and hopefully honors spanish if i can get in. which will be a panic attack and a half. if i don't get into that class, i might seriously have a breakdown. and i hate kids who have school-related breakdowns at school. if you're going to have one, wait until you get home. please. but that'll be me. great. and kirby never has time to work on speaking with me because she has to prepare her exams. i'm also thinking about environmental science and yearbook, because colleges probably want to see me with some art in there. and speaking of which, i also have to make all of my college decisions in the next few weeks and sign up for and not suck at the SATs. i hate hate hate this. and my parents think i'm just a lazy butt who doesn't do or care about anything. sometimes i can be lazy, but clearly, i care.
sorry if you just read that entire rant. that was completely necessary for me to continue homework at all. and back to the friends and morals thing for just a sec, i have no idea what i'm thinking lately, but it's just not good.
....also, prom is this year, which is suppposed to be boatloads of fun or whatever, but everyone is like, ohhhh who are you going with? and i have no idea. seriously. i'm not looking at anyone special, but clearly i'll be an outcast if i go alone. super super super. i hate this.
i know you only live life once, so why not live the hell out of it? i need to get my butt out and live life, yet at the same time, find a way to please my parents. this is pretty much impossible. i have to please so many people around me. i have to go to rehearsal every day for the play, which i understand is a commitment, but sometimes i honestly have things i have to do. i'm going late to/not even going to a bunch of rehearsals this week. she yelled at us today, and thankfully i just let that roll off my back. sometimes i think that she needs to understand that we really do have to do other things. i have to please my teachers, and do all my homework, and study for and kick ass on all my midterms. i have to figure out how the hell to please my english teacher, who refuses to give A's to anyone except chris, alicia, and tracy. sorry i don't agree with you on everything. if i write a paper that has enough supporting points, i still deserve a freaking good grade. i'm already scared for civics next semester, and all that work. i have to ace my math quiz tomorrow so i can get an A- there, and keep that grade up because i'm sure my report card is sucking this semester. next semester i HAVE to bring up my bio grade and start kicking ass there or i'll never make it through alive. and in spanish there is more pressure than ever. first, if i want to get into honors/AP next year, i have to get a B or an A on my midterm, which is basically impossible in kirby's terms. also i have to kick ass on speaking or she won't let me get into the upper class. and if i don't do that, i'll have failed myself too, which is even more fun then failing my teachers. and on top of all of the effing midterms, i have to study for and get my license. my test is in two weeks from today. oh shit. i really didn't think that this day was really coming. oh no, did i say two weeks? that was a joke. it's in a week. no pressure there. good thing i can't back in or parallel park. and i never show up to dance anymore because there's no time for that either. i suck at one of my dances, because i NEVER have time to go to it, and i might have to drop it, which i really really don't want to do. i also have to please the freaking guidance department at my school and get all of my class decisions for next year done soon. i don't know what i want to take! if i slack off, apparently i don't get into college. but i'm sorry, i'm just not that smart! i can't take like fifty APs. i could see maybe AP english, just because, idk, why not. i don't think i can do AP physics because i absolutely suck at math, so i guess that'll just be an honors class. then i'll have to take level 3 calculus, and i've heard that AP stats is different enough that i could maybe take that. (jenn feel free to comment here, because you know we'll be having this chat soon anyways). i have to take economics because it didn't fit in this year. i'll take honors french three, and hopefully honors spanish if i can get in. which will be a panic attack and a half. if i don't get into that class, i might seriously have a breakdown. and i hate kids who have school-related breakdowns at school. if you're going to have one, wait until you get home. please. but that'll be me. great. and kirby never has time to work on speaking with me because she has to prepare her exams. i'm also thinking about environmental science and yearbook, because colleges probably want to see me with some art in there. and speaking of which, i also have to make all of my college decisions in the next few weeks and sign up for and not suck at the SATs. i hate hate hate this. and my parents think i'm just a lazy butt who doesn't do or care about anything. sometimes i can be lazy, but clearly, i care.
sorry if you just read that entire rant. that was completely necessary for me to continue homework at all. and back to the friends and morals thing for just a sec, i have no idea what i'm thinking lately, but it's just not good.
....also, prom is this year, which is suppposed to be boatloads of fun or whatever, but everyone is like, ohhhh who are you going with? and i have no idea. seriously. i'm not looking at anyone special, but clearly i'll be an outcast if i go alone. super super super. i hate this.