...the war...
......................................................................................
To follow on from my introduction, I wanted to explore a subject is greatly affecting my concept of selfdom and home.
I have read that ‘your body is your permanent home’ and those of you who have read my posts in the forum will know that this is something in which I believe myself.
Those of you who have read my posts may also know of my mentioning the ill health I have been experiencing this year…It is now that I realise, it is affecting my concept of selfdom and home.
I have been experiencing ill health for just over a year now and have always believed that it would eventually go away.
Until just before the Summer Break, when I realised, that actually it really wasn’t going away.
As my symptoms became increasingly worse and less predictable, I lost patience and trust in my doctors and consultants and decided to educate myself on all things body.
The various possible causes and diagnoses have been banded about and from these starting points I've come to learn that what may be wrong may not have a cure and that what is happening could be an indication that my immune system is attacking me!
This new found understanding of what may be happening in my body has changed my whole concept on the subject of selfdom and home as it has taught me just how changeable the body is, that it will not bend itself to your will...but more significantly, poses the question to me:
If your body is your permanent home (as I believe) then what if your body is attacking itself and consequently is not working in the way in which it could or even should?
So far, in the two months I have been exploring all things body, my response has been a feeling of disconnection from my body.
My mind and body are not ‘on the same page’ and to an extent this has been a story of mine since my adolescence.
A friend once told me, it was as if ‘I’ was at War with my ‘Body’.
I guess this could be true but perhaps actually; I've not been listening. Respectfully.
Well I am listening now. My body has my full and undivided attention and negotiations have started as a means of finding peace so that I can progress.
The first result of these negotiations is to move back in with my family for rest, respite and support until I learn to manage and maintain my health better.
It is a compromise.
I wish so much to move away from this town particularly as I never intended to stay for as long as I have. It has been a goal of mine to move to the north of England to re-establish my roots, to a City that is more supportive of the Arts and consequently of me, where I can exercise the creativity in me more fully but it seems a little more patience and a change in priorities is being asked of me…and so I am going 'backward' to move forward; or rather - remaining still.
I'll review and take stock in six months.
Now educated and consequently empowered, I am at my most determined.
But still…what a strange place to be…
I didn’t see this one coming!
During the Summer Break, whilst disconnected from the internet, I still kept a record of my thoughts, observations, ideas and experiences and wish to share them with you in my next entry.
......................................................................................
To follow on from my introduction, I wanted to explore a subject is greatly affecting my concept of selfdom and home.
I have read that ‘your body is your permanent home’ and those of you who have read my posts in the forum will know that this is something in which I believe myself.
Those of you who have read my posts may also know of my mentioning the ill health I have been experiencing this year…It is now that I realise, it is affecting my concept of selfdom and home.
I have been experiencing ill health for just over a year now and have always believed that it would eventually go away.
Until just before the Summer Break, when I realised, that actually it really wasn’t going away.
As my symptoms became increasingly worse and less predictable, I lost patience and trust in my doctors and consultants and decided to educate myself on all things body.
The various possible causes and diagnoses have been banded about and from these starting points I've come to learn that what may be wrong may not have a cure and that what is happening could be an indication that my immune system is attacking me!
This new found understanding of what may be happening in my body has changed my whole concept on the subject of selfdom and home as it has taught me just how changeable the body is, that it will not bend itself to your will...but more significantly, poses the question to me:
If your body is your permanent home (as I believe) then what if your body is attacking itself and consequently is not working in the way in which it could or even should?
So far, in the two months I have been exploring all things body, my response has been a feeling of disconnection from my body.
My mind and body are not ‘on the same page’ and to an extent this has been a story of mine since my adolescence.
A friend once told me, it was as if ‘I’ was at War with my ‘Body’.
I guess this could be true but perhaps actually; I've not been listening. Respectfully.
Well I am listening now. My body has my full and undivided attention and negotiations have started as a means of finding peace so that I can progress.
The first result of these negotiations is to move back in with my family for rest, respite and support until I learn to manage and maintain my health better.
It is a compromise.
I wish so much to move away from this town particularly as I never intended to stay for as long as I have. It has been a goal of mine to move to the north of England to re-establish my roots, to a City that is more supportive of the Arts and consequently of me, where I can exercise the creativity in me more fully but it seems a little more patience and a change in priorities is being asked of me…and so I am going 'backward' to move forward; or rather - remaining still.
I'll review and take stock in six months.
Now educated and consequently empowered, I am at my most determined.
But still…what a strange place to be…
I didn’t see this one coming!
During the Summer Break, whilst disconnected from the internet, I still kept a record of my thoughts, observations, ideas and experiences and wish to share them with you in my next entry.
......................................................................................