Running Down da Piss.
The 79th Academy Awards are tomorrow, for Chissakes. Most of the awards will go to meatfaces. This is the long-thought extinct Nicchus Oscar Rundown. Enjoy it like a kick to the chin into icy water.
Key:
Should Win : Underlined.
Will Win: Boldfaced
Getting Dicked: Plain Black text.
Explanations and skullduggery to follow.
Here are the categories that I care about:
Actor in a Leading Role
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland
Holy Shits! One category in and I've seen NONE of these films! Forest is the leader going in on buzz, and he seems like he'd have the best clip to show for his performance at the show. The Pursuit of Happyness is far too overseen for this to go to Mr. Smith, Leo should have been nominated for his Anthony Anderson harassing in The Departed rather than leading a black man around a jungle in the Zwick Series for White Men Who Heart Not-White People. O'Toole had a better shot at winning Best Lead Actor in Formaldehyde.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed
Hollywood has a hard-on for the comeback, even if the comeback is more of a bathroom break from the nether realms of shit-demons. Eddie's got this one in the bag simply for not playing five roles that involve fat suits and fake girl voices. Djimon Hounsou has played Slave thirteen too many times to get an award for playing a slave, and Mark Wahlberg's scene chewing turn in the Departed is fantastic. But too foul mouthed to actually win an award. It truly shocks me that he was the only actor chosen to represent what was one of the best casts ever assembled in a decade. Jackie Earle Haley put on one of the best performances in one of the best movies I saw in 2006, playing a reformed pedophile who moves back in with his mother in a small suburban neighborhood, summoning the ire of all the concerned parents that suburbia houses. It's a deep portrayal and the fact that he's simultaneously causes you to pity and despise him is a great testament to living up to a script. too bad it's gonna go to Norbit. I'll see Sunshine tonight. Maybe I'll change my mind about this race, but I think my heinous thoughts on that film won't change post-viewing.
Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet - Little Children
As much as Penelope's breasts deserve recognition, this category only has one choice. Also, aside from Cruz everyone else in this category has been nominated before - Meryl Streep receiving consecutive nods since Jesus. I'd prefer a Winslet win just so more people would learn how unworldy great Todd Fields' film is. As is, the award's going to Mirren. Period.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Adrianna Barazza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel
Babel did dick to impress me, but Rinko Kikuchi did tits to impress me. Still, her role and her performance was complete waste, even if it was one of the few roles to have full frontal nudity in it. I didn't see Notes on a Scandal, and fuck eight-year-old girls. Being nominated. Jennifer Hudson, god willing, will walk out of LA a huge star and not just because she terrorizes da donuts. She well could have been a contender for leading, but Beyonce is a spotlight grubbing whore. Not to sound too much like an EW quip, but Beyonce - We can have another you in a minute. Snubbed!
Animated Feature
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House
I don't know why I bother, I'm not eight-year-old and didn't see any of these. I was too busy being raped.
Cinematography
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan's Labyrinth
The Prestige
Since the Academy has already fucked itself silly by favoring the uninspiring Babel over Children of Men and Pan's Labyrinth for Best Picture by a Mexican, it will enact Julia Roberts over Ellen Burstyn Level fury in my blood if they do not give Children of Men the Cinematography Oscar. It achieves everything possible in film from the technical to the spiritual, and I've got a feeling that I'll be spitting curses tomorrow night when they give the award to the beatiful orange and gold hues of a very decent film. The Black Dahlia doubled it's viewership with the five screeners sent out to academy voters, and the rest of the films (aside from the gorgeous Pan's Labyrinth which owes more to makeup than cinematography) are blah to look at.
Makeup
Pan's Labyrinth
Apocalypto
<--FUCK YOU-->Click<--FUCK YOU-->
Fuck. That.
Visual Effects
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns
Davy Jones fucks Poseidon in his lockerroom, while Superman broods over being the last boy picked for the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Screenplay - Adapted
Borat
Children of Men
The Departed
Little Children
Notes on a Scandal
William Monahan deserves the award for turning the very good chinese film Infernal Affairs into the modern masterpiece The Departed (also, for giving every character at least 20 "fucks" to say) but it's simply not as good as the scathing evaluation of upper-middle class soccer moms (and dads) of Little Children. Borat shouldn't even be nominated as 80% of that film was improv. Children of Men is an infinitely better film than it is a screenplay, and Notes on a Scandal went unseen by me. Little Children deserves it more, but I think the Oscars is gonna go all Southie on us this year.
Screenplay - Original
Babel
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Pan's Labyrinth
The Queen
Few films are as affecting as Guillermo del Toro's unchallenged masterpiece, and the way it ties several engaging storylines into one single, beautiful parable for the power of innocence. But, of course, this month's movie about a dysfunctional family doing silly things (only this time it's in a van!) will walk away with the statue. Clint's films have never been well-written, just filled with gravitas images. The Queen is almost too adapted to be an original screenplay (its based on real things!), and Babel has incomprehensibly stupid people doing incomprehensibly stupid things for two and a half hours and then blaming it on the language barrier (even though, in every scene, there is someone translating for the people that don't understand more than one language). I just hope the Oscars don't let Guillermo down. he deserves it. A lot.
Best Foreign Language Film
After the Wedding
Days of Glory
the Lives of Others
Pan's Labyrinth
Water
the director of the german The Lives of Others said in an interview that he hasn't even prepared a speech because Guillermo's got this one. I agree. For everyone.
Direction
Babel (Alejando Gonzales-Innaritu)
The Departed (Martin Scorsese)
Letters From Iwo Jima (Clint Eastwood)
The Queen (Stephen Frears)
United 93 (Paul Greengrass)
Don't get me wrong. I hope to sweet spaghetti monster that Marty wins this one. Finally, he'll have as many Oscars as the Three 6 Mafia. But, to be fair, Paul Greengrass directed the pain into United 93. that film deserved more attention this year as it's the best tribute the people affected and involved in 9/11 have gotten since the tragedy, and it's not even by an American. Stephen Frears is the definition of Solid Direction, but has done noting exceptional (aside from continually making great films). I'm sick and bloated from fucking Clint Eastwood. His sperm is inflatable. Also, he's never made a classic film. Chew on that. Babel is... decent. Once again, they picked the wrong Mexican for this award.
Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
the Queen
Unfortunately, only one of the best five films of the year was nominated tonight (Maybe my list will be up TONIGHT!). The Departed is great. Everything you expect from crime films and Scorsese. Babel is so blatantly stupid in it's premise and conceits that I'm amazed so many people are in love with it. if it wins, expect another Crash-style hatebath from myself. The Queen is far too low-key to take this. And Little Miss Sunshine is the six-year-old kid who walked into the John Holmes Cock of Miles Competition. it should be all smug and happy just to be mentioned. Oh yeah, it's also going to win because movies whose main point is "Fuck you, cunt. Shit, this is a cocksucking bullshit," probably won't get the children-having public excited about showing their family the Martin Scorsese directed/Tourette's scripted Best Picture of 2006. It's just too bad that the Fountain got plugged, and The other two Mexican films of 2006 didn't righty shove Babel off its tower. 02/25/07 will be interesting. Look for a live commentary tomorrow as I enjoy or despise everything that my future profession stands for.
The End.
_Nicchus Out_
Key:
Should Win : Underlined.
Will Win: Boldfaced
Getting Dicked: Plain Black text.
Explanations and skullduggery to follow.
Here are the categories that I care about:
Actor in a Leading Role
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland
Holy Shits! One category in and I've seen NONE of these films! Forest is the leader going in on buzz, and he seems like he'd have the best clip to show for his performance at the show. The Pursuit of Happyness is far too overseen for this to go to Mr. Smith, Leo should have been nominated for his Anthony Anderson harassing in The Departed rather than leading a black man around a jungle in the Zwick Series for White Men Who Heart Not-White People. O'Toole had a better shot at winning Best Lead Actor in Formaldehyde.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed
Hollywood has a hard-on for the comeback, even if the comeback is more of a bathroom break from the nether realms of shit-demons. Eddie's got this one in the bag simply for not playing five roles that involve fat suits and fake girl voices. Djimon Hounsou has played Slave thirteen too many times to get an award for playing a slave, and Mark Wahlberg's scene chewing turn in the Departed is fantastic. But too foul mouthed to actually win an award. It truly shocks me that he was the only actor chosen to represent what was one of the best casts ever assembled in a decade. Jackie Earle Haley put on one of the best performances in one of the best movies I saw in 2006, playing a reformed pedophile who moves back in with his mother in a small suburban neighborhood, summoning the ire of all the concerned parents that suburbia houses. It's a deep portrayal and the fact that he's simultaneously causes you to pity and despise him is a great testament to living up to a script. too bad it's gonna go to Norbit. I'll see Sunshine tonight. Maybe I'll change my mind about this race, but I think my heinous thoughts on that film won't change post-viewing.
Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet - Little Children
As much as Penelope's breasts deserve recognition, this category only has one choice. Also, aside from Cruz everyone else in this category has been nominated before - Meryl Streep receiving consecutive nods since Jesus. I'd prefer a Winslet win just so more people would learn how unworldy great Todd Fields' film is. As is, the award's going to Mirren. Period.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Adrianna Barazza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel
Babel did dick to impress me, but Rinko Kikuchi did tits to impress me. Still, her role and her performance was complete waste, even if it was one of the few roles to have full frontal nudity in it. I didn't see Notes on a Scandal, and fuck eight-year-old girls. Being nominated. Jennifer Hudson, god willing, will walk out of LA a huge star and not just because she terrorizes da donuts. She well could have been a contender for leading, but Beyonce is a spotlight grubbing whore. Not to sound too much like an EW quip, but Beyonce - We can have another you in a minute. Snubbed!
Animated Feature
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House
I don't know why I bother, I'm not eight-year-old and didn't see any of these. I was too busy being raped.
Cinematography
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan's Labyrinth
The Prestige
Since the Academy has already fucked itself silly by favoring the uninspiring Babel over Children of Men and Pan's Labyrinth for Best Picture by a Mexican, it will enact Julia Roberts over Ellen Burstyn Level fury in my blood if they do not give Children of Men the Cinematography Oscar. It achieves everything possible in film from the technical to the spiritual, and I've got a feeling that I'll be spitting curses tomorrow night when they give the award to the beatiful orange and gold hues of a very decent film. The Black Dahlia doubled it's viewership with the five screeners sent out to academy voters, and the rest of the films (aside from the gorgeous Pan's Labyrinth which owes more to makeup than cinematography) are blah to look at.
Makeup
Pan's Labyrinth
Apocalypto
<--FUCK YOU-->Click<--FUCK YOU-->
Fuck. That.
Visual Effects
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns
Davy Jones fucks Poseidon in his lockerroom, while Superman broods over being the last boy picked for the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Screenplay - Adapted
Borat
Children of Men
The Departed
Little Children
Notes on a Scandal
William Monahan deserves the award for turning the very good chinese film Infernal Affairs into the modern masterpiece The Departed (also, for giving every character at least 20 "fucks" to say) but it's simply not as good as the scathing evaluation of upper-middle class soccer moms (and dads) of Little Children. Borat shouldn't even be nominated as 80% of that film was improv. Children of Men is an infinitely better film than it is a screenplay, and Notes on a Scandal went unseen by me. Little Children deserves it more, but I think the Oscars is gonna go all Southie on us this year.
Screenplay - Original
Babel
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Pan's Labyrinth
The Queen
Few films are as affecting as Guillermo del Toro's unchallenged masterpiece, and the way it ties several engaging storylines into one single, beautiful parable for the power of innocence. But, of course, this month's movie about a dysfunctional family doing silly things (only this time it's in a van!) will walk away with the statue. Clint's films have never been well-written, just filled with gravitas images. The Queen is almost too adapted to be an original screenplay (its based on real things!), and Babel has incomprehensibly stupid people doing incomprehensibly stupid things for two and a half hours and then blaming it on the language barrier (even though, in every scene, there is someone translating for the people that don't understand more than one language). I just hope the Oscars don't let Guillermo down. he deserves it. A lot.
Best Foreign Language Film
After the Wedding
Days of Glory
the Lives of Others
Pan's Labyrinth
Water
the director of the german The Lives of Others said in an interview that he hasn't even prepared a speech because Guillermo's got this one. I agree. For everyone.
Direction
Babel (Alejando Gonzales-Innaritu)
The Departed (Martin Scorsese)
Letters From Iwo Jima (Clint Eastwood)
The Queen (Stephen Frears)
United 93 (Paul Greengrass)
Don't get me wrong. I hope to sweet spaghetti monster that Marty wins this one. Finally, he'll have as many Oscars as the Three 6 Mafia. But, to be fair, Paul Greengrass directed the pain into United 93. that film deserved more attention this year as it's the best tribute the people affected and involved in 9/11 have gotten since the tragedy, and it's not even by an American. Stephen Frears is the definition of Solid Direction, but has done noting exceptional (aside from continually making great films). I'm sick and bloated from fucking Clint Eastwood. His sperm is inflatable. Also, he's never made a classic film. Chew on that. Babel is... decent. Once again, they picked the wrong Mexican for this award.
Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
the Queen
Unfortunately, only one of the best five films of the year was nominated tonight (Maybe my list will be up TONIGHT!). The Departed is great. Everything you expect from crime films and Scorsese. Babel is so blatantly stupid in it's premise and conceits that I'm amazed so many people are in love with it. if it wins, expect another Crash-style hatebath from myself. The Queen is far too low-key to take this. And Little Miss Sunshine is the six-year-old kid who walked into the John Holmes Cock of Miles Competition. it should be all smug and happy just to be mentioned. Oh yeah, it's also going to win because movies whose main point is "Fuck you, cunt. Shit, this is a cocksucking bullshit," probably won't get the children-having public excited about showing their family the Martin Scorsese directed/Tourette's scripted Best Picture of 2006. It's just too bad that the Fountain got plugged, and The other two Mexican films of 2006 didn't righty shove Babel off its tower. 02/25/07 will be interesting. Look for a live commentary tomorrow as I enjoy or despise everything that my future profession stands for.
The End.
_Nicchus Out_