if you start, read the whole thing....
Wow, so I have no idea why I am writting at this time. I mean you would not believe the crap that I took today... Wow. You probably have no idea what I did, I mean, almost no one will, but I will give a brief "showing". Lol.
So, after this thing I called Ryan. He was kinda shocked and was asking me about it, naturally right? Well, I tell him everything that happened. Not only did he tell me I was stupid, "bowing down to her" and an idiot, but he told me that now he finally understood why I do not have a girlfreind with whom I can care for and be cared about. That shocked me. I mean, why would what I did today effect that? It shouldn't. Except for the fact that I am either always throwing away what I want in order to "make things easier" or just allowing things to take it's course and ruining my chances forever.
I wrote a letter before I did anything. And it really did happen that way. I can't be mad, I mean, I did make the decision. But still. It happened. I hate that about everything. Bethany made me another bet about what would happen. And I won again. I think that if I ever want to win a bet, I should always just bet against anything that I want. Make sense to anyone? Of course not. Because everyone has what they want. Everyone has the "person that is for them" and I get to be the person that understands and accepts. Well, maybe that is good. It will teach me something I am sure. If nothing else, it lets me think of what others are feeling right? I mean, would I ever have thought about what Bethany feels like when she has all that crap happen to her everyday? Or what Amber would feel like when she finds out what "friends" are treating her like? But the main question is this. Do I want to know? Or would I rather wage a war, that although I night lose, I would die trying?
Someone once told me that life is nothing without a challenge, and that getting the girl of your dreams is the biggest that you could ever have. So, Have I meet her? Have I just thrown something away? Would my inaction, or action in the matter change anything about what would or would not happen? Theoretically, the fundamental question that I am asking is this: is there pre-destination, and if so, have I or can I affect it in any way? Which in turn would mean, has my actions today cause anything to happen?
Think of the chaos theory. It is said that something as small as a flutter of a butterflys wings can cause a typhone half way accross the world....Intersting thought... I night have created a queen, destroyed someone heart, saved the world, or possibly, destroyed myself...
I watched a movie tonight that made me think. I would love to be that person that could listen and take advice and give it, and in general make things easy and wonderful for a girl. Not just any girl. MY girl. (great song by the way) But then I thought, I am doing that for other peoples girls. I am allowing others to keep a girl that they are not good enough to have by sitting and listening, and helping, and wanting. Is that right? No. But would I do anything differantly? Could I possibly hear a voice of someone I cared about ask me for something, even a voice that has burned me badly, and not desire to help that person? That ideal is in me. That want and desire for good to prevail. Is that to many "bed time stories"? It isn't real... There is no woman that I would desire that would come to me after doing what I did. And maybe that is it. Maybe by being the way I am, I am destroying the chance of me having what I think would make me happy, or what I think would be good, and actually allowing me to find what I should have.
So... Did you trick me today?
I am a love sick fool. And I know it. I would look into the places that I should never think of just to see if the possibility exists. Is that what I want? Is there really something that is possibly for me? Ryan thinks I made a mistake. Jesh thinks I made a mistake. Claudia thinks I should just die from making so many mistakes with this "subject", Tori does not understand why I do what I do, Everyone that seems to know (thanks to Ryan) has told me I was dumb. But was it? Did making things easier for her involve me being stupid? Nice? Romanticicing about something that I will never have? Dumbness? Does anyone know???
It still remains, did you trick me today?
You made me fall again. I lost the scared honor once again. It seems that you are a tricky advisary when dealing with love and honor. Is that what makes you enticing? I would never really like to know. You want to see me again... Is that wise? I know, I am thinking to much. Maybe it is good. Can you stop thinking about it? You thought about it today... Was it good or bad that you were thinking? I was thinking about it the whole time. I was honestly just thinking about when I won that penny from you for my thoughts... Was it good?
I can not shake it, did you trick me today?
Who will honestly know? I don't think anyone can truly say...
I got something intersting, deffinatly sentimental, from a freind today. I gave something as well. I really wonder what that means. What will ever happen? I honstly wonder...
I am done thinking about what I don't need to. You know my number. I wish you the best. But I am not sure I can ever let my heart go again. Can I actually see you without it hurting? Without my desire rupturing? I see the reasons why it can not be. I know them by heart. But my heart never wants them to be gone... It pains me...
With love, and a breaking foolishness for love, Nicc
So, after this thing I called Ryan. He was kinda shocked and was asking me about it, naturally right? Well, I tell him everything that happened. Not only did he tell me I was stupid, "bowing down to her" and an idiot, but he told me that now he finally understood why I do not have a girlfreind with whom I can care for and be cared about. That shocked me. I mean, why would what I did today effect that? It shouldn't. Except for the fact that I am either always throwing away what I want in order to "make things easier" or just allowing things to take it's course and ruining my chances forever.
I wrote a letter before I did anything. And it really did happen that way. I can't be mad, I mean, I did make the decision. But still. It happened. I hate that about everything. Bethany made me another bet about what would happen. And I won again. I think that if I ever want to win a bet, I should always just bet against anything that I want. Make sense to anyone? Of course not. Because everyone has what they want. Everyone has the "person that is for them" and I get to be the person that understands and accepts. Well, maybe that is good. It will teach me something I am sure. If nothing else, it lets me think of what others are feeling right? I mean, would I ever have thought about what Bethany feels like when she has all that crap happen to her everyday? Or what Amber would feel like when she finds out what "friends" are treating her like? But the main question is this. Do I want to know? Or would I rather wage a war, that although I night lose, I would die trying?
Someone once told me that life is nothing without a challenge, and that getting the girl of your dreams is the biggest that you could ever have. So, Have I meet her? Have I just thrown something away? Would my inaction, or action in the matter change anything about what would or would not happen? Theoretically, the fundamental question that I am asking is this: is there pre-destination, and if so, have I or can I affect it in any way? Which in turn would mean, has my actions today cause anything to happen?
Think of the chaos theory. It is said that something as small as a flutter of a butterflys wings can cause a typhone half way accross the world....Intersting thought... I night have created a queen, destroyed someone heart, saved the world, or possibly, destroyed myself...
I watched a movie tonight that made me think. I would love to be that person that could listen and take advice and give it, and in general make things easy and wonderful for a girl. Not just any girl. MY girl. (great song by the way) But then I thought, I am doing that for other peoples girls. I am allowing others to keep a girl that they are not good enough to have by sitting and listening, and helping, and wanting. Is that right? No. But would I do anything differantly? Could I possibly hear a voice of someone I cared about ask me for something, even a voice that has burned me badly, and not desire to help that person? That ideal is in me. That want and desire for good to prevail. Is that to many "bed time stories"? It isn't real... There is no woman that I would desire that would come to me after doing what I did. And maybe that is it. Maybe by being the way I am, I am destroying the chance of me having what I think would make me happy, or what I think would be good, and actually allowing me to find what I should have.
So... Did you trick me today?
I am a love sick fool. And I know it. I would look into the places that I should never think of just to see if the possibility exists. Is that what I want? Is there really something that is possibly for me? Ryan thinks I made a mistake. Jesh thinks I made a mistake. Claudia thinks I should just die from making so many mistakes with this "subject", Tori does not understand why I do what I do, Everyone that seems to know (thanks to Ryan) has told me I was dumb. But was it? Did making things easier for her involve me being stupid? Nice? Romanticicing about something that I will never have? Dumbness? Does anyone know???
It still remains, did you trick me today?
You made me fall again. I lost the scared honor once again. It seems that you are a tricky advisary when dealing with love and honor. Is that what makes you enticing? I would never really like to know. You want to see me again... Is that wise? I know, I am thinking to much. Maybe it is good. Can you stop thinking about it? You thought about it today... Was it good or bad that you were thinking? I was thinking about it the whole time. I was honestly just thinking about when I won that penny from you for my thoughts... Was it good?
I can not shake it, did you trick me today?
Who will honestly know? I don't think anyone can truly say...
I got something intersting, deffinatly sentimental, from a freind today. I gave something as well. I really wonder what that means. What will ever happen? I honstly wonder...
I am done thinking about what I don't need to. You know my number. I wish you the best. But I am not sure I can ever let my heart go again. Can I actually see you without it hurting? Without my desire rupturing? I see the reasons why it can not be. I know them by heart. But my heart never wants them to be gone... It pains me...
With love, and a breaking foolishness for love, Nicc