Thanks to Kayce for posting about her mom tonight
This post has been two years in the making, I haven't been able to form the words to articulate what has happened to my family, as if putting it on 'paper' would make it real. Even thinking about it now, my eyes are welling with tears. This isn't an uplifting post or a ho-hum post either. It's about my mom and her rough road. I've wanted to write about it hundreds of times but just couldn't force myself to do it. My friend Kayce posted about her mom tonight and when I commented back with a little blurb about mine, I had an inexplicable urge to let it all out.
My mom and I have always butted heads. I have two older brothers, one almost ten years my seniors who has been ill since birth. My mom has always been a part of making decisions for him, even now that he is 35 he asks her permission and it's not like he lives with her, he just has this innate need to have her blessing. I came out of the womb with a different perspective. I was not about to let her make all of my decisions and she hated that.
She and my dad worked exceptionally hard to make a living to support our family. They worked in the paper mill together, sometimes handing me off in the parking lot between shifts. I spent a lot of time with my babysitter from six weeks of age until I could watch myself. I was very fond of her, I think my mom was jealous that she couldn’t spend her days with me, but I was always daddy’s little girl. Growing up we had all of our needs met and most of our wants. We were struggling financially, but we didn‘t know. We were happy, except of course when my brothers beat the snot out of me.
As I entered junior high and high school my family started getting ahead. My mom was promoted to a salaried export agent and database administrator, she put in long hours but was starting to build up the bank accounts. I was a miserable teenager and the two of us fought like it was going out of style. The paper mill was sold to a new company and that’s when things began to change. It became clear that the new company only wanted to learn the world renowned technology and they began to layoff jobs once their own employees had been trained. After 25 years with the mill, my mom was in the first batch to be relieved of their duties because she had flown to Wisconsin to train someone how to do her job. She went on unemployment and spent the mini-vacation finally taking time to re-decorate the house. She found employment as a teller at our town bank, I was in 10th grade. There were more layoffs until my dad was one of the last to go, he had worked there for 31 years of his life, I was in my first year of college. My dad had a harder time finding a job, he wasn’t up on computers and was a middle aged guy trying to start over. Some of his co-workers went back to school, but they were younger and he was too intimidated. He took and passed his CDL drivers test so he could drive tractor trailers, I cried thinking about my daddy on the road for days at a time. Just before taking a job driving, he finally found employment working for the state department of transportation. He paves and plows and does manual labor that a man his age should be easing out of by this point.
The money wasn’t great for either of them, my mom made less than I did at my work-study job. For him the money was only good if there was a hard winter and that meant twelve hours of driving in blinding snow every night. The bills began to pile up, they made but a fraction of what they were used to. Finally the point came when they had to file for bankruptcy, but they didn’t include all of their debt, so even though some of it was excused, there were still more bills over their heads. I would come home from college and just cry at the economic devastation in the area. The mill was the only source of jobs and most families had to move out of the area, the school that held 7-800 students (pre-kindergarten through 12th) when I attended plummeted below 400.
Something in my mom changed. All she could talk about was the mill and she would get so angry and go through all of her stories with everyone she knew. She couldn’t get passed it and it didn’t help matters that her new co-workers were all woman and a catty bunch at that. She had been promoted to head teller, and the head teller was promoted to loan officer and remained in the bank causing my mother nothing but trouble. I wanted to slap this woman for all the shit she pulled, with mom and the other tellers. My mom looked for other jobs, but there were none to be had. She was miserable. My grandmother died and she got worse. I called to talk to her and she could talk about what she watched on T.V. or go on for hours about the flowers she put on the grave, but she couldn’t seem to focus on regular conversation. I hated calling home because she would tell me the same thing again and again. I felt like I was losing my mother.
I came out while I was home on spring break my first year at Cornell and the only negative response was from my mom. She said the most hateful and hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, that is when she was talking to me at all. I used to call home every night, and she stopped getting on the phone. I could only talk to my dad. Months went by like this and she would wax and wane I never knew if she would be accepting or attack me. After nine months of the abuse I sent her a long e-mail telling her that I wouldn’t keep any toxic individuals in my life and that she would lose me if she didn’t stop. She got better after that. Hell, she loves girl. I know she doesn’t fully accept it, but at least she keeps it to herself.
Two years ago, the first week of November I called home to talk to my parents. I was excited about my progress on my first Nano novel, my dad answered and had a very concerned sound to his voice, I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn’t know, that my mom had left the house and checked herself into the mental health ward an hour away. He didn’t know why and all she would tell him was that she did something very bad. He went to visit the next day. I called when he got home. He told me that she had taken $53,000 dollars from the bank. She didn’t use it to pay bills, she used it to buy scratch off lottery tickets in the hopes of saving the family. She would hit $500 or $1000 all the time and turn around and buy more. She said the books at the bank had already been audited and closed and however it was that she took the money, they wouldn’t find out, but she had to tell them. They met with people from the bank who agreed not to arrest her since she turned herself in and signed over her $9,000 401K to them and would work out a payment plan, especially since their insurance would cover the loss. She didn’t get out of the hospital for three weeks. Needless to say I didn’t get much writing done on my novel for the first two weeks, especially when our dog came up missing for three days. I only finished later because I needed to take my mind off the situation.
I couldn’t stop crying. I would randomly burst out and need girl to hug me for a long time while I sobbed. I just kept thinking about my family and my dad in tears on the phone. What had she done to him and my sick brother who needs her to take care of him? She had changed our family forever.
One morning, the police showed up at the door to take her into custody. Though the bank had agreed to not go public, the decided to get revenge, the only thing they could gain was humiliating her. She was released and a court date given. The papers read that the bank had caught her, not that she had turned herself in. The town was shocked, this is the most honest person I know, arrested for stealing? She had her day in court and was sentenced to eight weekends in jail but didn‘t have to pay any of the money back. She suffered through them, threatening that she couldn’t do it, I worried that she might hurt herself. I sent my dad a big chunk of money to catch up on the bills that were all overdue and took over the parent loan they had taken out for me.
She finished her ‘time’ and now is a prisoner in our home, of course with her probation officer coming to check up on her. My dad has taken over her car since he now makes the payments, he buys everything they need, she has no money to get anything she wants. He bitches and nags at her constantly. I go home and by the first night I’m ready to come back, I need anxiety medication to spend time with my parents. My mom started getting more clumsy which made my father yell more, ‘Slow down, you go too fast.’ She fell down the stairs and broke her foot.
I kept thinking what the hell happened to my mom that she just lost it? I mean we all wondered what the fuck she was doing with the scratch off tickets and just losing her job at the mill didn’t just make her snap. There was something more going on, I know my mom was not in her right mind.
A couple months ago she went to a doctor for some health issues and randomly was sent for an MRI. It turns out that she has a one inch band of brain damage around the circumference of her brain, ya know gray matter and all, as well as a one inch lesion on her spine. The doctors determined that the damage was caused by forty years of severe migraines and explains her erratic behavior and lack of coordination. The damage is irreversible, but they have given her new medication to prevent further spread. She also had her carotid 80% blocked because of her smoking and just had to have surgery to clean it out.
Turns out I’ll never have my mom back, but I’m thankful to finally be getting some answers. I keep eluding to something happening but this is the first time I’m sharing the whole story.
I think I’m talked out for the night. Thanks for listening.
My mom and I have always butted heads. I have two older brothers, one almost ten years my seniors who has been ill since birth. My mom has always been a part of making decisions for him, even now that he is 35 he asks her permission and it's not like he lives with her, he just has this innate need to have her blessing. I came out of the womb with a different perspective. I was not about to let her make all of my decisions and she hated that.
She and my dad worked exceptionally hard to make a living to support our family. They worked in the paper mill together, sometimes handing me off in the parking lot between shifts. I spent a lot of time with my babysitter from six weeks of age until I could watch myself. I was very fond of her, I think my mom was jealous that she couldn’t spend her days with me, but I was always daddy’s little girl. Growing up we had all of our needs met and most of our wants. We were struggling financially, but we didn‘t know. We were happy, except of course when my brothers beat the snot out of me.
As I entered junior high and high school my family started getting ahead. My mom was promoted to a salaried export agent and database administrator, she put in long hours but was starting to build up the bank accounts. I was a miserable teenager and the two of us fought like it was going out of style. The paper mill was sold to a new company and that’s when things began to change. It became clear that the new company only wanted to learn the world renowned technology and they began to layoff jobs once their own employees had been trained. After 25 years with the mill, my mom was in the first batch to be relieved of their duties because she had flown to Wisconsin to train someone how to do her job. She went on unemployment and spent the mini-vacation finally taking time to re-decorate the house. She found employment as a teller at our town bank, I was in 10th grade. There were more layoffs until my dad was one of the last to go, he had worked there for 31 years of his life, I was in my first year of college. My dad had a harder time finding a job, he wasn’t up on computers and was a middle aged guy trying to start over. Some of his co-workers went back to school, but they were younger and he was too intimidated. He took and passed his CDL drivers test so he could drive tractor trailers, I cried thinking about my daddy on the road for days at a time. Just before taking a job driving, he finally found employment working for the state department of transportation. He paves and plows and does manual labor that a man his age should be easing out of by this point.
The money wasn’t great for either of them, my mom made less than I did at my work-study job. For him the money was only good if there was a hard winter and that meant twelve hours of driving in blinding snow every night. The bills began to pile up, they made but a fraction of what they were used to. Finally the point came when they had to file for bankruptcy, but they didn’t include all of their debt, so even though some of it was excused, there were still more bills over their heads. I would come home from college and just cry at the economic devastation in the area. The mill was the only source of jobs and most families had to move out of the area, the school that held 7-800 students (pre-kindergarten through 12th) when I attended plummeted below 400.
Something in my mom changed. All she could talk about was the mill and she would get so angry and go through all of her stories with everyone she knew. She couldn’t get passed it and it didn’t help matters that her new co-workers were all woman and a catty bunch at that. She had been promoted to head teller, and the head teller was promoted to loan officer and remained in the bank causing my mother nothing but trouble. I wanted to slap this woman for all the shit she pulled, with mom and the other tellers. My mom looked for other jobs, but there were none to be had. She was miserable. My grandmother died and she got worse. I called to talk to her and she could talk about what she watched on T.V. or go on for hours about the flowers she put on the grave, but she couldn’t seem to focus on regular conversation. I hated calling home because she would tell me the same thing again and again. I felt like I was losing my mother.
I came out while I was home on spring break my first year at Cornell and the only negative response was from my mom. She said the most hateful and hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, that is when she was talking to me at all. I used to call home every night, and she stopped getting on the phone. I could only talk to my dad. Months went by like this and she would wax and wane I never knew if she would be accepting or attack me. After nine months of the abuse I sent her a long e-mail telling her that I wouldn’t keep any toxic individuals in my life and that she would lose me if she didn’t stop. She got better after that. Hell, she loves girl. I know she doesn’t fully accept it, but at least she keeps it to herself.
Two years ago, the first week of November I called home to talk to my parents. I was excited about my progress on my first Nano novel, my dad answered and had a very concerned sound to his voice, I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn’t know, that my mom had left the house and checked herself into the mental health ward an hour away. He didn’t know why and all she would tell him was that she did something very bad. He went to visit the next day. I called when he got home. He told me that she had taken $53,000 dollars from the bank. She didn’t use it to pay bills, she used it to buy scratch off lottery tickets in the hopes of saving the family. She would hit $500 or $1000 all the time and turn around and buy more. She said the books at the bank had already been audited and closed and however it was that she took the money, they wouldn’t find out, but she had to tell them. They met with people from the bank who agreed not to arrest her since she turned herself in and signed over her $9,000 401K to them and would work out a payment plan, especially since their insurance would cover the loss. She didn’t get out of the hospital for three weeks. Needless to say I didn’t get much writing done on my novel for the first two weeks, especially when our dog came up missing for three days. I only finished later because I needed to take my mind off the situation.
I couldn’t stop crying. I would randomly burst out and need girl to hug me for a long time while I sobbed. I just kept thinking about my family and my dad in tears on the phone. What had she done to him and my sick brother who needs her to take care of him? She had changed our family forever.
One morning, the police showed up at the door to take her into custody. Though the bank had agreed to not go public, the decided to get revenge, the only thing they could gain was humiliating her. She was released and a court date given. The papers read that the bank had caught her, not that she had turned herself in. The town was shocked, this is the most honest person I know, arrested for stealing? She had her day in court and was sentenced to eight weekends in jail but didn‘t have to pay any of the money back. She suffered through them, threatening that she couldn’t do it, I worried that she might hurt herself. I sent my dad a big chunk of money to catch up on the bills that were all overdue and took over the parent loan they had taken out for me.
She finished her ‘time’ and now is a prisoner in our home, of course with her probation officer coming to check up on her. My dad has taken over her car since he now makes the payments, he buys everything they need, she has no money to get anything she wants. He bitches and nags at her constantly. I go home and by the first night I’m ready to come back, I need anxiety medication to spend time with my parents. My mom started getting more clumsy which made my father yell more, ‘Slow down, you go too fast.’ She fell down the stairs and broke her foot.
I kept thinking what the hell happened to my mom that she just lost it? I mean we all wondered what the fuck she was doing with the scratch off tickets and just losing her job at the mill didn’t just make her snap. There was something more going on, I know my mom was not in her right mind.
A couple months ago she went to a doctor for some health issues and randomly was sent for an MRI. It turns out that she has a one inch band of brain damage around the circumference of her brain, ya know gray matter and all, as well as a one inch lesion on her spine. The doctors determined that the damage was caused by forty years of severe migraines and explains her erratic behavior and lack of coordination. The damage is irreversible, but they have given her new medication to prevent further spread. She also had her carotid 80% blocked because of her smoking and just had to have surgery to clean it out.
Turns out I’ll never have my mom back, but I’m thankful to finally be getting some answers. I keep eluding to something happening but this is the first time I’m sharing the whole story.
I think I’m talked out for the night. Thanks for listening.