itp: hulu is a retirement home for horrible movies
I really enjoy how every single movie on Hulu seems to have been designed specifically to make me do that surprised snort of laughter you read something really stupid.
A quick sample of Hulu's cinematic delights!
The Killer Condom
The plot takes place in New York, and in the present. In a hotel called "Quicky" a professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him. But when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.
Can happen.
Strictly Sexual
Two successful women, sick and tired of dating and relationships, decide to keep two young men in their pool house for strictly sexual purposes.
I just really love how this summary goes from more or less reasonable to WAIT WHAT so quickly. IN THEIR POOL HOUSE.
Alexandra's Project
On his birthday Steve heads home expecting his wife, Alexandra, to have thrown him a surprise party. But instead, he finds a video tape marked "Play Me" that reveals a new sultry side of his wife and a shocking secret that will change his life forever.
Who needs to be told what to do with a random video tape? If she hadn't written "Play Me" on it would he have, what, boiled it?
Bride of the Gorilla
The wife of a plantation owner is terrorized by a gorilla, who turns out to be her husband.
Okay, it might be slightly unfair of me to make fun of this one. It may be a stupid premise but it makes no bones about it: I clicked on the link expecting a woman married to a gorilla and by god, that's what I got. I have only myself to blame here.
Doom Asylum
A demented coroner uses autopsy equipment to kill off the teenagers who trespass on the long-abandoned asylum he inhabits. Filmed on location in an actual abandoned asylum.
Oh boy, an actual abandoned asylum!
Night Owl
A young wife fears for her husband's life as she discovers that several male friends have been driven mad and into suicide over the Night Owl - the mysterious woman broadcasting her voice over the radio and preying on the lonely hearts of men.
It bothers me that I would genuinely watch this.
Naughty Boy
A father hires a sexy governess for his son.
Compared to the others on this list, this is nothing. I'm just torn between struggling to believe this isn't actual porn and... struggling with the fact that I can see literally no way of this scenario unfolding that isn't pornographic. :(
We'll say it's because of the title.
Are there any good movies on Hulu? It really seems like their entire archive is just full of movies that people went "look chaps, we're never going to make money on this pile of crap, let's give up the ghost". I'm not asking for Schindler's List or anything, just something remotely worth the time and money that was spent on it? Do you have that, Hulu? Do you have anything that isn't an insult to the monitor forced to display i--
All Dogs Go to Heaven 2
So that's a no then.
A quick sample of Hulu's cinematic delights!
The Killer Condom
The plot takes place in New York, and in the present. In a hotel called "Quicky" a professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him. But when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.
Can happen.
Strictly Sexual
Two successful women, sick and tired of dating and relationships, decide to keep two young men in their pool house for strictly sexual purposes.
I just really love how this summary goes from more or less reasonable to WAIT WHAT so quickly. IN THEIR POOL HOUSE.
Alexandra's Project
On his birthday Steve heads home expecting his wife, Alexandra, to have thrown him a surprise party. But instead, he finds a video tape marked "Play Me" that reveals a new sultry side of his wife and a shocking secret that will change his life forever.
Who needs to be told what to do with a random video tape? If she hadn't written "Play Me" on it would he have, what, boiled it?
Bride of the Gorilla
The wife of a plantation owner is terrorized by a gorilla, who turns out to be her husband.
Okay, it might be slightly unfair of me to make fun of this one. It may be a stupid premise but it makes no bones about it: I clicked on the link expecting a woman married to a gorilla and by god, that's what I got. I have only myself to blame here.
Doom Asylum
A demented coroner uses autopsy equipment to kill off the teenagers who trespass on the long-abandoned asylum he inhabits. Filmed on location in an actual abandoned asylum.
Oh boy, an actual abandoned asylum!
Night Owl
A young wife fears for her husband's life as she discovers that several male friends have been driven mad and into suicide over the Night Owl - the mysterious woman broadcasting her voice over the radio and preying on the lonely hearts of men.
It bothers me that I would genuinely watch this.
Naughty Boy
A father hires a sexy governess for his son.
Compared to the others on this list, this is nothing. I'm just torn between struggling to believe this isn't actual porn and... struggling with the fact that I can see literally no way of this scenario unfolding that isn't pornographic. :(
We'll say it's because of the title.
Are there any good movies on Hulu? It really seems like their entire archive is just full of movies that people went "look chaps, we're never going to make money on this pile of crap, let's give up the ghost". I'm not asking for Schindler's List or anything, just something remotely worth the time and money that was spent on it? Do you have that, Hulu? Do you have anything that isn't an insult to the monitor forced to display i--
All Dogs Go to Heaven 2
So that's a no then.