There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends
Someone said they liked me because I was a freak and a loser, and that was okay with them. The problem is, it's not okay with me. I hate what I am, and I spend every day wishing things were different. I suppose I don't really want to change, though, since I never can seem to accomplish it.
It seems my reward for trying is to fail. And to say that trying and failing is better somehow than not trying at all is the hollowest of all lies.
Perhaps it's better this way. It may be easier to just let the friends I thought I had fade away, instead of running away from them. This way there's no one person to blame. And maybe this way I can forget.
I realize there are good things in my life. I'm doing a lot better than I could be. There are others who are not as fortunate.
Why then do I feel nothing? When did all the joy get replaced by this emptiness?
You know what? Some of us have been down, and some of us are insecure. *look pointedly at you* This was a voluntary offer and request between friends. It is not disgusting, nor is it anything for you to use as leverage to wedge your perpetually bunched panties even further up your ass. There was no need for you to get angered at such a moral outrage.
Follow the advice of Thumper's mom: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
At one time, I would have happily said nice things about you and complimented you about the pleasure your "friendship" brought me.
You say not to take things you say in your livejournal seriously, but when you fill everything you say, even about completely innocent things that do not pertain to you, with such venom, I find it very hard not to. It's fine to vent and to get snippy about things in your own journal, it's your right. But when it's constant, vicious, and insulting to people you are supposedly friends with, you're creating a cycle of self-fulfilling destiny.
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-John Stuart Mill
If I'm going to be around ... again for any length of time, I'm going to need to do a lot less thinking. I predict this will involve the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages.
Because they seem to be reasonably nice people, and I'd rather not hate them for something that isn't their fault.
I really wish I could stop believing I had things like chances. Hopes and dreams hurt.
Do I keep going back because I hope things will get better... or do I keep going back because I know they won't?
And ask yourself: "Why is that?"
Why?
Because you refuse to be content, that's why. Because you spend so much time wanting what everyone else has that you fail to stop and realize when you hold in your hands great happiness. You don't appreciate the things of beauty around you for the beauty they possess. You expect everything to conform to some master design in your own head, and when the world doesn't fit that design you blame everyone for mistreating you, abusing you, and in all other ways keeping you from happiness. You occasionally have lucid moments and realize that you're bringing it on yourself, but do you ever change your perspective? NO. You don't. You shrug, and sigh, and say "why me?" And occasionally even undertake rash, suicidal acts, just waiting for someone to stop you. And worse yet, you seek out the people who DO appreciate the good in life and do your damndest to ruin that joy, so that they too will know your pain.
I should not post this reply because you will just turn it around and say I am being abusive to you. I will post it anyway, because I'm officially past the point of pity. You can go on believing that everybody is out to get you, that won't make it true. All you accomplish by your morass of self-pity is to alienate the people around you. If you make it hurt too much to care, drown people in guilt for not being able to fit the roles you had planned for them, and completely ignore the friendship they do offer, it serves you right to dwell in the hell you create.
There are no words for such situations, only bullets.
I can't cope with feeling jealous and envious of my friends. I can't deal with the anger and rage and self-hatred that comes just from seeing them being happy. These feelings don't go away with time, they don't fade with distance. They retreat, ready to spring forth again and sieze control.
I feel so selfish, so cruel right now that I wonder how anyone could possibly see me as worthy of their friendship, much less love.
We also know how cruel the truth often is, and we wonder whether delusion is not more consoling.
-Henri Poincaré
It's not working
I feel jealous and envious and angry all the time, and I hate it. Whatever sense of wonder or enjoyment I once possessed is nothing but a memory. Seeing people with chances, with choices, makes me want to scream at them. I hate it most when people regret their choices, or the consequences. For I have no such luxury. It is far better to regret what you have done, than to regret what you cannot do.
I feel unwanted. I feel alone.
I feel like I'm watching everyone else breathe, the air taken for granted, while I suffocate inside an invisible box that keeps getting smaller.
If I could stop this, I would. I'm not in control of my own life. I have no power to move myself against the current of fate and circumstance.
I have lost so much, and I don't know where it all went or how to get it back.
I take things for granted that I shouldn't.
I can't accept the positive things people have to say about me.
I try not to let my desires ruin me - it's not working.
It's a cycle really you think
I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
I think you're insensitive
and I don't feel heard and I said do you believe we are fundamentally
judgmental? Fundamentally evil?
and you said yes
Contentment is just perpetually around the corner for you.
"Once such `facts' become accepted, they are often difficult to correct."
Frequent irritability may well be a clue that it is time to re-think perspectives and reactions to life. Some anger management strategies may also be in order.