(no subject)
now that my jury is over, I feel unmotivated. Tired. Doesn't help that I stay up these nights with Zach, because all you want to do with a new lover is to kiss them, over and over, each one more meaningful than the one before.
I look at my violin, and it's beautiful, but it isn't drawing me towards it. Not tonight, at least. I can't afford to NOT practice, though, for the sake of my livelihood, and my peace of mind. I CHOSE this, to spend a bunch of money on a school that won't promise anything, and that's fine, but every job means hard work.
Fuck. I'm tired.
Zach is just, too much. Or maybe he finally is enough. Since Devon, this is the first time I've felt completely comfortable and happy with the efforts he's putting through. Between long drawn out kisses, we spilled our guts two nights in a row. At one point he said "Look at me", because I'm USED to being guarded and shy and awkwardly avoiding eye glances. Ever since I look fiercely. "You're one of the most refreshingly honest people I've met", he said. That's when I fucking KNEW: Oh no, This one's gonna hurt.
We went on a walk yesterday around the Charles and held hands the entire time. There's no stress of titles, or if we were over-stepping boundaries, cause honestly I think we both know that this is going to get serious really fast. We're okay with it.
Today, I brought him a mid-day chaider (Side note: he LOVES steamed cider), and he kissed me IN PUBLIC, during one of Berklee's most trafficked place and time of day. It may seem like a no-brainer: "Okay, he likes you, that's what men are SUPPOSED to do", but since Devon, here's been my track record:
Andy Ryan - An old friend of mine, I think we dated because we were bored and home for the summer. But he was crazy and unproperly medicated, which has its drawbacks, to say the least, and we knew it would end once I left back for boston.
Matt Tompkins - Not a relationship, but more than friends with benefits. We actually cared about each other's well beings; the extent of our flirting only happened in the basement with the red curtains, until we retired to bed. There was no physical contact outside fordham road, and it was okay. We knew exactly what it was. We knew we were still seeing other people. Couldn't get attached because of the band. There is one specific instance though, that I remember we were laying in bed and we were attacking each other, tickling, laughing, like I had never heard him laugh before, and we told each other that we DID care about each other. In a deep platonic, maybe lightly romantic sense. But thank god that never happened.
(Okay, that's pretty text-book "Friends with benefits"--but I feel like the title is often misleading, being more harmful to a friendship than healthy)
cut to:
Duncan Wickel - Shit. I fell hard for this one. And I worked for it, too, but the fact of the matter is he never cared about me the same way. Not that he was necessarily in it for "just the sex", but he was very busy, touring/working a lot, and I felt very neglected. He never wanted me to be his girlfriend, because he wasn't "in the time of his life where he could have one". "focusing on his career". And I understood, blindly, because I liked him too damn much. It was an obsession. Again, no physical contact outside of 409 Marlborough, or Bob and Connie's house. The thing I loved most about it was escaping to that beautiful house in JP. So secluded. A different world. But it battered my self-confidence and respect for myself, It went on for almost an entire school year. We left for the summer, and then he came back with a girlfriend, Monica. They're still together.
Tyler Riccardi - it started as a random hook up, and for some reason, I wanted it to continue. I got attached. 6 months went by of hooking up on the weekends, acting completely normal around friends, though they all knew. He was a homebody, but I overlooked it. Finally became official 7 months in. A good 2 months during the summer, horrible sex, but again, I overlooked it. Until I couldn't anymore. Until I got bored.
and then, October 9th I met Zach.
It's been smooth sailing ever since.
I look at my violin, and it's beautiful, but it isn't drawing me towards it. Not tonight, at least. I can't afford to NOT practice, though, for the sake of my livelihood, and my peace of mind. I CHOSE this, to spend a bunch of money on a school that won't promise anything, and that's fine, but every job means hard work.
Fuck. I'm tired.
Zach is just, too much. Or maybe he finally is enough. Since Devon, this is the first time I've felt completely comfortable and happy with the efforts he's putting through. Between long drawn out kisses, we spilled our guts two nights in a row. At one point he said "Look at me", because I'm USED to being guarded and shy and awkwardly avoiding eye glances. Ever since I look fiercely. "You're one of the most refreshingly honest people I've met", he said. That's when I fucking KNEW: Oh no, This one's gonna hurt.
We went on a walk yesterday around the Charles and held hands the entire time. There's no stress of titles, or if we were over-stepping boundaries, cause honestly I think we both know that this is going to get serious really fast. We're okay with it.
Today, I brought him a mid-day chaider (Side note: he LOVES steamed cider), and he kissed me IN PUBLIC, during one of Berklee's most trafficked place and time of day. It may seem like a no-brainer: "Okay, he likes you, that's what men are SUPPOSED to do", but since Devon, here's been my track record:
Andy Ryan - An old friend of mine, I think we dated because we were bored and home for the summer. But he was crazy and unproperly medicated, which has its drawbacks, to say the least, and we knew it would end once I left back for boston.
Matt Tompkins - Not a relationship, but more than friends with benefits. We actually cared about each other's well beings; the extent of our flirting only happened in the basement with the red curtains, until we retired to bed. There was no physical contact outside fordham road, and it was okay. We knew exactly what it was. We knew we were still seeing other people. Couldn't get attached because of the band. There is one specific instance though, that I remember we were laying in bed and we were attacking each other, tickling, laughing, like I had never heard him laugh before, and we told each other that we DID care about each other. In a deep platonic, maybe lightly romantic sense. But thank god that never happened.
(Okay, that's pretty text-book "Friends with benefits"--but I feel like the title is often misleading, being more harmful to a friendship than healthy)
cut to:
Duncan Wickel - Shit. I fell hard for this one. And I worked for it, too, but the fact of the matter is he never cared about me the same way. Not that he was necessarily in it for "just the sex", but he was very busy, touring/working a lot, and I felt very neglected. He never wanted me to be his girlfriend, because he wasn't "in the time of his life where he could have one". "focusing on his career". And I understood, blindly, because I liked him too damn much. It was an obsession. Again, no physical contact outside of 409 Marlborough, or Bob and Connie's house. The thing I loved most about it was escaping to that beautiful house in JP. So secluded. A different world. But it battered my self-confidence and respect for myself, It went on for almost an entire school year. We left for the summer, and then he came back with a girlfriend, Monica. They're still together.
Tyler Riccardi - it started as a random hook up, and for some reason, I wanted it to continue. I got attached. 6 months went by of hooking up on the weekends, acting completely normal around friends, though they all knew. He was a homebody, but I overlooked it. Finally became official 7 months in. A good 2 months during the summer, horrible sex, but again, I overlooked it. Until I couldn't anymore. Until I got bored.
and then, October 9th I met Zach.
It's been smooth sailing ever since.