That Damn Family!
Guess what! My sister calls me and tells me how much she misses me. I always wonder about that, you know. Why do they miss me so damn much? They don't like my opinions, my choices, my decisions, my lifestyle, the way I look or dress, the things that I cherish. So, I often wonder... what in the hell is it about me that they miss? A need perhaps to feel superior and smug, knowing that somewhere down the line I have fucked up my life again and I am in the midst of a struggle. Which is pretty much true; however, I cannot confide in any one of them without hearing their self-righteous feedback and snide condemnation of my ineptitude (did I spell it right...whatever). Nevertheless, I talked to her and explained to her again, very patiently and sympathetically that I need a break from their harsh judgment and repudiation of me and my daughter and the choices we make. Because you see, had I told her that we were being evicted, and explained to her why, she would have given me a lecture about paying my rent on time and how important it is to do that. She would have pointed out the consequences of not making that my number one responsibility. It would not have mattered that the property manager is a dickhead... oh no... she would have reminded me of how many times I've not had a place to live; she would have asked me whether I had learned my lesson from dealing with my "kind-hearted" brother who threw us out of his house for basically the same reason or so he claims but we all know better (that's a whole nother entry). In a nutshell, I'm tired of the confusion that comes over me whenever I hear from them. I don't want them to get sick or die or have some other catastrophe happen until I've gotten stronger. I've used their negative opinion of me and my daughter against both of us for most of our lives and I know it has not changed. If I start spending time with them again, they'll pull me back into the family fold just so they can go on the attack again. I talk too much about my feelings--I am too damn honest in that regard--and because of it, I will share way too much then find myself right back where I started. Thanks to them I don't have a very good opinion of myself and I've been fighting a tough battle to regain my self worth if I ever had it. I'm not willing to sacrifice that in the name of family. Not anymore. I'm sorry she's hurting but so am I. And I've been hurting a very long time; and a lot of it is because of the relationship I've had with her. I looked up to her and I needed her approval and acceptance of me. Unfortunately, whenever I looked in her eyes or her face, or shared something with her that meant a lot to me, she would let me know how much she disapproved and how unacceptable I was too her. To be continued...