Heaven and Hell.
It’s been a while. Well it’s been a while since I’ve been to work. First of all, I missed 4 full days from Nov 18 & 19 to 22 & 23. Plus the Thanksgiving break. MY paycheck is so so gone. Anyway. I spent Thanksgiving alone, in my house. My parents and Adrian went to Yuma to stay at the new house ( Thug’s Mansion) for 4 days. My P.O. did not let me go since I am property of California until October 16, 2005.That’s also Luis’ time max date. He called me 4 times in the last 5 days. I had to reject 2 of the calls because I can only imagine how expensive the phone bill is going to be from the 4 calls. And my paycheck is so gone remember? So, he hasn’t really changed. Like I figured. He doesn’t believe that he has done much wrong, but does feel that his family and the rest of the world has done him wrong. His letters are so different from him. He can express himself better, then again, so can anyone. So he wants to move in with me when he gets out. My parents have made it very clear that if they were to ever see him again, especially at my house, he will be shot. They have so much animosity towards him. And how can I allow him to still be in my life? Ahhh, I have a cold and I feel yucky plus I got a speeding ticket today. I hate the cops. All and any of you. Anyway, I wanted to get high so bad last night. I really debated it for about and hour. I had the money ready and just needed to make the phone call but I sat around and argued with myself about why I shouldn’t and what would happen. And then I would get the phone and I would start feeling so sad that I couldn’t dial. So finally I got on the computer and didn’t. I ended up going to Taco Bell at 10pm and that took a little bit of the boredom out. If I wasn’t on probation, I think I would have gotten jacked. And prolly still would continue to. That really scares me. I had the eeriest dream last nite. I was at a school, with Pat, Cesar, Juan and a few others from Alvarez and some from Alisal. Anyway, first Pat and I were driving past Alvarez and I was packing the pipe when she falls esleep on the wheel and we side hit a car and a cop car so I stash the pipe with the unmelted ice. We get out of the situation and walk into Alvarez. I go into a 3 story library where I find Cesar and all the guys. I tell them about what happened and Cesar starts to call out to some girl and Juan begins to mock how the girl isn’t even looking at Cesar but at some other guy. (Juan by the way, is this really cute 25 year old who looks like he’s 18. I used to buy off of him. He really likes me and we’ve hooked up several times in the last year…which Ces doesn’t know of…Juan dislikes Ces and has continued to call me)Some friend of Ces’ starts talking shit to Juan and they begin to fight or something. I walk down to the 2nd story and knock over some books by accident and the whole building starts falling down and crashing everything on the 1st floor. I remember that Ces, Juan and the guys are on the third so I yell out at them to tell them to get out. I make it out and everything has crumbled down. Everyone has bruises and the guys from Alisal make it out all right and leave through the gate but I can’t find Ces, Juan or any of the guys from Alvarez. I start to cry because I realize they did not make it out and they’re dead. All of a sudden I’m at home and Luis shows up. I hug him and tell him what happened at the school and he whines about how I am talking about Ces so I stop. We both have pipes and begin to get high in my room. My mom walks in and she’s surprised to see Luis but doesn’t say anything. My dream ends there. I don’t even want to know what it could possibly mean right now. I feel sick. I need to call Ces.