Where do we go from here...
Holy Mole. I can't belive that I feel so calm and non chalant about an event so big that happened last night involving myself and the boy I thought would have my heart forever. Seriously, I've only came to think about it a few times and not at all have I blushed or gotten schoolgirl giddy about it. Does that mean that I don't really like him anymore Beavis? So what happened was, Cesar, the boy whom I was so smitten with for the past 3 years (and who's aquantance fresh from prison, Luis, just so happened to sweep me off my feet in May, and away from Cesar) calls me to tell me that Pat (the 40 year old crank monster lady that feeds his habit and has him live with her, if that's all they do, i don't know..) is gone for florida for a week and wants me to come over and hang out since he has not seen me in 4 months. (FYI the last time we slept together was May 19th, the day before Luis and I met and got together for the next 3 months....so we've been apart for 6 months since when I got with Luis, I just completely blew Cesar off). So I went, for nostalgia's sake. He had been getting high with Playa C, who was also there, but when I arrived, he stopped out of respect and spent the time hanging with me and being oh so affectionate with me. Which brings me to the big shocker. Since we haven't been 'together', I've managed to not even consider him sexually attractive because I'm still attracted and infatuated with Luis, who is currently in County Jail for parole violation. Cesar thinks that all is done with Luis and me because he's in jail and because he was a punk the whole time I was in rehab. So here Cesar is, touching my face, talking to me and holding me....he's really showing some genuine affection towards me telling me he's missed me the whole 6 months that I've been out of his life. I'm playing it casually because I'm just not feeling this mutually. I used to love him unconditionally and would do anything for him, and for him to love me back, which he just never did at that time. And being that intense, I was able to switch my love over to Luis who did demonstrate mutual interest, affection and admiration when we got together on May 20th.It's just not there for Cesar anymore. So then he asks Playa C to go smoke in the bathroom (after asking me if I wanted to break my 119 days of sobriety by taking a hit, which I proudly refused...I have 120 days today :) because he needs to talk to me. He then asks me to go sit over with him and then holds on to me and starts whispering all these things into my ear (which he knows is my spot) and leans towards my face and begins to kiss me. The last time he kissed me was Nov 18th, 2003..the day before I got remanded into custody for being high. We had continued to have sex for the next 6 months, but, there was not kissing or being sweet, it was just sex. So now he's kissing like he's never kissed me before and I'm kissing him back, driving him nuts because he really wants me at this second. This goes on for 10 minutes, making out, and finally I tell him I have to go home. (Because believe it or not, I get sleepy at 10pm and this was around 10:15pm).He lets me go and walks me to my car, stopping 3 times to kiss me for a minute each and finally, before he asks for my work number since he will be in Sand City around lunch today, he holds on to me for 5 minutes and just kisses me. The whole time I don't really know what to think, especially feel. we finally say goodnite and I drive home. When I get to Constitution Blvd and am driving right behimd the jail I start thinking of Luis and all the times he kissed me. And then I begin to feel all tinglish and giddy because I miss Luis so bad. And what happened with Cesar last night is what I would have always desired and wished for when I was in love with him and he did not love me back. And now that it's happened, I think of wanting Luis. So this is what it's like when the person u wanted wants u and u now want someone else. That's one of the most fucked up situations ever. And I can't get myself to fall for Cesar again regardless how much he wants me because I have honestly moved on. The impossible has happened. This kinda sucks.