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For the next three nights, I will be camping out in the common room. In other words, I will be procrastinating a ton so I'm going to write some entries in-between work, studying, and reading.
I drove home this past weekend in order to redeem some left behind clothing and to catch up with my empty-nest parents. They're doing well, and we went out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory which was fun. My i-pod died as soon as I turned it on in my car. Luckily I had but one cd with me for the five hour drive. Yeah, fun.
Initiations for APO is on Friday night. I am pumped for all of the pledges, but I have to admit it's an anniversary for one of my worst experiences. Everyone talks about the night as though it is all resolved, but really the issue is not concrete at all - it's quite abstract. People will inevitably believe what they want to believe. "He could never do that." Obviously I never thought so either. It's funny because I thought I was over the night too, but subconsciously- and now as I'm realizing this consciously- I am most definitely not. It's a scar that I want to go away- and I'm putting neosporin all over it but it's still not fucking going away.
The semester has flown by so far. Literally. I honestly live weekend to weekend. I've completely lost touch with the present and I find myself waking up and I'm talking in class, or waking up and I'm on a treadmill at the gym. I keep countdowns and dates in my profile thinking if I can just focus on the future then I can lose touch with all of the shit going on right now. My room is good despite how skeptical I was of living in a quad. I knew I would get through it regardless, but considering last year I wasn't too confident in my ability to live with anyone under any circumstance.
I also have a real scar that I thought went away, but it didn't. When I look in the mirror, or in any picture, I can see it. My car accident here. Wrong place at just the right time to total the car and lose sleep and energy and courage and all sanity. I have my new car, which is exactly the same in every respect. I'm scared to drive other people. I'm scared to drive. I'm scared and I'm scarred.
That's enough procrastination for now..I think I drank too much "think about everything shitty and nothing happy" coffee so I should stop here.
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