I was totally proactive yesterday.
So... in the last week I have dropped about $500, and the vast majority of that money was spent on a new pair of glasses.
See, lately I can't seem to sleep very much, so yesterday I figured, as long as it's too hot for me to sleep past 11am, I should at least take care of some of those errands I've not been running lately, so I went to Raleigh and dropped my hgrad loan application - and I'm terrified they'll turn me down because not only is my credit rating still not all that great, but my undgrad loans are deferred right now due to a lack of ability to pay the payments with my decidedly low income. (Yes, I'm earning a lot more than I was last year at this time, but it would still take half of my monthly take-home pay to pay my loan payments on what I earn right now, so if I weren't living with my mother, I could never manage it. So depressing. Full time work isn't even enough to finance my education.)
Anyhoo, after dropping off my application and trying to control my rampant financial insecurity, I called and scheduled an appointment with my ear doctor for the Friday at 1.30-ish. Good thing, too, because my ears are hurting more and more lately.
Then I figured, as long as I'm already in Raleigh, I'll go to Crabtree and feel out the Mac store. I'm still not sure if I really wanna go the Mac route. It's just such a different system from what I'm used to, y'know? Plus, Mac are fucking expensive. My lifelong state of poorness leaves me feeling a bit reticent about dropping four digits on a computer.
But I went and had a chat with a Mac Guy, and I wasn't completely sold, but I wasn't not sold, either, so... I dunno, I've still got a few days to decide. I means Mac are really nice, and the Guy made it seem really easy to work everything... but I'm just still not completely sure. However, they have this student thing where when you buy your Mac you get a free iPod, and that is a rather nice perk. I just need a couple days more; that's all.
So then, since I was already at the mall I went over to the eye place to make an appointment, and they had free time, so they just worked me in right then, and I had to endure the puff in the eye test - God I hate that test! - and then after exam I found out that my vision has improved in the last two years. Cool, huh? I'm willing to bet it's because I stopped wearing my contacts in an irresponsible manner. My vision is now better than it was when I finished high school. Not much better. But it is better. That's pretty damn cool. And I spent a good while picking out my new frames. the ones I ended up with are damn expensive, but so were the treatments on the lenses to make them not look like Coke bottle bottoms, since my precription is pretty damn high. Like, both of the frames retailers took one look at my prescription and said, "You should probably get plastic frames. They'll conceal how big your lenses are." Ouch! So I did get plastic frames, because I was finally ready to get a hornrim anyway. They\re fucking Calvin Klein, which is why they're so expensive, but they were the only ones I liked that also looked good on me. And they come with a magnetic stick on sun shade thing, so I can finally have sunglasses without wearing contacts. That's nice. And I think when my peeps see me in them, they'll agree they're a definite step up from the glasses I have right now.
And thenh I mailed my housing agreement to Stirling, so they can have proof that I'm willing to follow all their rules, which are no different than any other college's housing rules. All pretty standard stuff.
But this not being able to sleep during the day thing is killing me at work. I keep falling asleep on the job. It's bad. And my worthless brother is, at this point, pretty much refusing to go get the window unit from Love's house so that I can get my room cool enough to actually get a full night's sleep. That loafer.
God, what if I'm going through all this shit to get ready for Stirling, and I end up not being able to get the funding? What I end up not being able to go? And do I even really want to go? It just seems like ever since that night when it hit me what I'm commiting myselkf to here, I've been completely terrified about everything to do with Stirling. It feels like my whole life is revolving aroung the outcome of two or three things, and I've never felt so unsure of my own future. I know if it's meant to be then it'll happen and I just need to have faith that it is indeed meant to be, but... what if this is just another cruel joke God's playing on me to show me that my life is and always will be just a long, grueling trudge through low-icome, blue-collar hell? Surely God isn't that cruel. I must be on the right path finally.
But then why is it leaving me feeling so insecure?