You see right through me....
Some excerpts from a voicemail the other night:
“You are gonna be alone for the rest of your fucking life….”
“You are not a man. You are not even a boy. You are worthless. Rot in Hell.”
“You ARE a freak.”
.... Other than that, me and Ceci have been seeing each other a lot, and I've been so happy. She makes me want to be my best self, and I never feel like I have to dumb myself down. It's amazing. I never thought I'd get this lucky, really. Even if we don't turn into anything further, she is an incredible friend. Actually, I've been making a ton of great friends! I'm really happy: Even if I do never find that woman, at least I have friends. I don't think being alone has ever really scared me either. I seem to keep myself busy - with hobbies, interests, explorations.
I'm so excited/nervous/stressed for next month. I know that I'm not necessarily what I'm supposed to be, in terms of what culture and society say I should be, but when I'm by myself, I'm happy. And now with this surgery coming up, despite all the money I still need to come up with, I don't have to hide all the time.
I finally am starting to feel free. The one thing on my mind though, has been driving cross country still. I told Ceci about my hesitations and worries about calling Grandma, and although she didn't recommend anything, she listened. And I think that's exactly what I needed.
I love being that cat in me again. The independent one who relies on himself and explores. This world has a lot of things to explore.
Again, this a little off topic. I'm tired. But Ceci... She's the first woman of color that I've dated. And it's been running through my mind all day. How different it is to me, even when it really shouldn't be. How I'm not sure how to hold myself, but the most amazing and wonderful part is how much I'm learning in this. How race doesn't have to indicate any way that you should act. It's like she's learning about gender while I learn about race, and we teach each other. I want her to know that it's ok to ask, try, learn. I've never been this shy about being with anyone, but I think it's like I don't want to mess up, or make her question herself, or how she sees me - as male. She is so respectful, and it blows my mind. I saw Avi and Li, and they were both really excited for me, and that meant so much to me too :) I'm really trying to clean my life up. I know a lot has happened, that she isn't particularly familiar with, but I want, and have always wanted, to keep living. For Nora, Tiffany, my family, and myself. So that's what I'll do: keep living, breathing, learning, and moving.
Ok, I'm tired. I have to feed geckos. This Sierra Nevada Holiday Hop ale is good, but making me want to make out with my pillow.
“You are gonna be alone for the rest of your fucking life….”
“You are not a man. You are not even a boy. You are worthless. Rot in Hell.”
“You ARE a freak.”
.... Other than that, me and Ceci have been seeing each other a lot, and I've been so happy. She makes me want to be my best self, and I never feel like I have to dumb myself down. It's amazing. I never thought I'd get this lucky, really. Even if we don't turn into anything further, she is an incredible friend. Actually, I've been making a ton of great friends! I'm really happy: Even if I do never find that woman, at least I have friends. I don't think being alone has ever really scared me either. I seem to keep myself busy - with hobbies, interests, explorations.
I'm so excited/nervous/stressed for next month. I know that I'm not necessarily what I'm supposed to be, in terms of what culture and society say I should be, but when I'm by myself, I'm happy. And now with this surgery coming up, despite all the money I still need to come up with, I don't have to hide all the time.
I finally am starting to feel free. The one thing on my mind though, has been driving cross country still. I told Ceci about my hesitations and worries about calling Grandma, and although she didn't recommend anything, she listened. And I think that's exactly what I needed.
I love being that cat in me again. The independent one who relies on himself and explores. This world has a lot of things to explore.
Again, this a little off topic. I'm tired. But Ceci... She's the first woman of color that I've dated. And it's been running through my mind all day. How different it is to me, even when it really shouldn't be. How I'm not sure how to hold myself, but the most amazing and wonderful part is how much I'm learning in this. How race doesn't have to indicate any way that you should act. It's like she's learning about gender while I learn about race, and we teach each other. I want her to know that it's ok to ask, try, learn. I've never been this shy about being with anyone, but I think it's like I don't want to mess up, or make her question herself, or how she sees me - as male. She is so respectful, and it blows my mind. I saw Avi and Li, and they were both really excited for me, and that meant so much to me too :) I'm really trying to clean my life up. I know a lot has happened, that she isn't particularly familiar with, but I want, and have always wanted, to keep living. For Nora, Tiffany, my family, and myself. So that's what I'll do: keep living, breathing, learning, and moving.
Ok, I'm tired. I have to feed geckos. This Sierra Nevada Holiday Hop ale is good, but making me want to make out with my pillow.