Old shit!!!
Ok, because I am lazy and I don't feel like putting new things up here, I was reading back on my xanga to see shit that I wrote a while ago. Back in the day I used to be the fucking shit on xanga, no fucking lie. I could post something like "Pot roast is my mom's favorite dish" and people would have fucking commented 20 times and e-proped the shit out of my ass. Alas, those days are gone, mostly because xanga is a big bowl off jizz balls, and I have better things to do. Anyways, here are some of my more famed writings.
This is the pee story. I actually adapted this into a screen play and made a short film in which I was the star. Sadly, the DV tape it was recorded on was stolen and my friends are too scared to ask for it back. It may be lost forever.
The Pee Story (A.K.A. Number 2)
God I have to pee. Alright, can't wait another minute I'm heading to the bathroom. The hallway seems empty, this should be a pretty good time to make a run for it. Oh shit! There is a fucking kid heading for the bathroom. God what do I do now. Ok, I'll just quicken my pace, maybe I can beat him there. Damn, he walks fast. It's like he has some sort of 'super walking speed'. He must work out. God, could you be trying to get to the bathroom any faster? Shit, he's in. Now I'm screwed, he has the upper hand. Ok, Paul, just relax, you are in control here. Just take a deep breath, walk in, and take control of that fucking bathroom. You own that bathroom. You are the king pisser here, no one pisses better than you. You are better than this kid, he has nothing on you. You could pee for hours, what's he got? Oh, he can walk fast, so what, it just shows his obvious lack of bladder control. No biggie. alright, let's take it to it.
Shit, I lost it. Nope, no control here. He's already at the urinal. God, and he took the middle one! Fucker! Why do you take the middle one!? Everyone knows you have to leave one urinal space between each urinater. God this kid is good. He knows what I'm thinking. He's already got territorial control, now he has mental control. I'm dealing with a pro here. I bet he even has his stare down. Yeah, he's checking out the writing on the wall. The classic avoid recognition of other bathroom attendees. He runs it by the book. Ok, just mellow out, enjoy the piss, Paul. You can do this. Alright, I'll take him from the left. The majority of people are right handed. If I take the left chances are he will feel more uncomfortable. Basic statistics. Fuck, I never took statistics, I have no idea how to guess the mean of a situation or whatever the fuck it is. this is all a gamble. Oh fuck it, here I go.
Ok, let's just get the fly down. Baby steps. Ok, I'm good, ready to go. Well...yeah. Well FUCK ME. Go, damnit! Jesus, why can't I do this!? This happens every time! IT's liek some god damned curse, fucking pee imparement. Well shit on my face. He's surely done a good job today. How long is he gonna piss for?! I can hear him going, but it's just not stopping. Well, I'll just pull a fakee and head to the next hall over to pee. That bathroom is usually clear. Ok, just give myself the right amount of time for your average pee...count to 10, that'll do.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
-Oh god, he glanced. He's calling my bluff. Shit, I'm going to have to wait it out a bit longer. Can't let him see I faked. All he has to do is look down and see there is nothing there. How pathetic will that look? Just wait. Give in today, Paul, it's just not your day.
Alright, he is finishing up. There goes his fly. I can just wait until he leaves the bathroom, and then zip up and head back in shame. At least I didn't give him the pleasure of seeing my defeat. Suck on that one Mr. Pee master. you my have one this battle, but tomorrow is another day, and I have 3 bottles of Deer Park water that says this fucking bathroom is mine.
One time my friend Tom said something really fucking stupid, and it was this,
"Maybe I can find things in life that are good about life." - Tom.
And finally, this is a poem I wrote about 2 years ago. It is about the time when the Poco's mexican food restaurant had a large flood light out in the front for some reason. I was also smoking a lot of pot at the time.
Dearest Light
You are so bright
That's right
right
right
Shining with might
Throughout the night
Always in my sight
Hardly feeling trite
I would say, that you are tight
That's right
right
right
With fury I will smite
Lightning from the kite
Forgive my hindsight
I am amazed at your height
Your height exceeds mine
That's right
right
right
If you guys like looking into my past perhapes there will be more of this to come!!!
This is the pee story. I actually adapted this into a screen play and made a short film in which I was the star. Sadly, the DV tape it was recorded on was stolen and my friends are too scared to ask for it back. It may be lost forever.
The Pee Story (A.K.A. Number 2)
God I have to pee. Alright, can't wait another minute I'm heading to the bathroom. The hallway seems empty, this should be a pretty good time to make a run for it. Oh shit! There is a fucking kid heading for the bathroom. God what do I do now. Ok, I'll just quicken my pace, maybe I can beat him there. Damn, he walks fast. It's like he has some sort of 'super walking speed'. He must work out. God, could you be trying to get to the bathroom any faster? Shit, he's in. Now I'm screwed, he has the upper hand. Ok, Paul, just relax, you are in control here. Just take a deep breath, walk in, and take control of that fucking bathroom. You own that bathroom. You are the king pisser here, no one pisses better than you. You are better than this kid, he has nothing on you. You could pee for hours, what's he got? Oh, he can walk fast, so what, it just shows his obvious lack of bladder control. No biggie. alright, let's take it to it.
Shit, I lost it. Nope, no control here. He's already at the urinal. God, and he took the middle one! Fucker! Why do you take the middle one!? Everyone knows you have to leave one urinal space between each urinater. God this kid is good. He knows what I'm thinking. He's already got territorial control, now he has mental control. I'm dealing with a pro here. I bet he even has his stare down. Yeah, he's checking out the writing on the wall. The classic avoid recognition of other bathroom attendees. He runs it by the book. Ok, just mellow out, enjoy the piss, Paul. You can do this. Alright, I'll take him from the left. The majority of people are right handed. If I take the left chances are he will feel more uncomfortable. Basic statistics. Fuck, I never took statistics, I have no idea how to guess the mean of a situation or whatever the fuck it is. this is all a gamble. Oh fuck it, here I go.
Ok, let's just get the fly down. Baby steps. Ok, I'm good, ready to go. Well...yeah. Well FUCK ME. Go, damnit! Jesus, why can't I do this!? This happens every time! IT's liek some god damned curse, fucking pee imparement. Well shit on my face. He's surely done a good job today. How long is he gonna piss for?! I can hear him going, but it's just not stopping. Well, I'll just pull a fakee and head to the next hall over to pee. That bathroom is usually clear. Ok, just give myself the right amount of time for your average pee...count to 10, that'll do.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
-Oh god, he glanced. He's calling my bluff. Shit, I'm going to have to wait it out a bit longer. Can't let him see I faked. All he has to do is look down and see there is nothing there. How pathetic will that look? Just wait. Give in today, Paul, it's just not your day.
Alright, he is finishing up. There goes his fly. I can just wait until he leaves the bathroom, and then zip up and head back in shame. At least I didn't give him the pleasure of seeing my defeat. Suck on that one Mr. Pee master. you my have one this battle, but tomorrow is another day, and I have 3 bottles of Deer Park water that says this fucking bathroom is mine.
One time my friend Tom said something really fucking stupid, and it was this,
"Maybe I can find things in life that are good about life." - Tom.
And finally, this is a poem I wrote about 2 years ago. It is about the time when the Poco's mexican food restaurant had a large flood light out in the front for some reason. I was also smoking a lot of pot at the time.
Dearest Light
You are so bright
That's right
right
right
Shining with might
Throughout the night
Always in my sight
Hardly feeling trite
I would say, that you are tight
That's right
right
right
With fury I will smite
Lightning from the kite
Forgive my hindsight
I am amazed at your height
Your height exceeds mine
That's right
right
right
If you guys like looking into my past perhapes there will be more of this to come!!!