(no subject)
I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking sick and tired of always having to act happy. I am not. I am depressed and there is no reason for it. Why did I listen to that song when he asked me not to? Because it was entitled the nickname he called me when we first dated, so I thought it might be about me. But it was about his ex. Is that okay that I am confused and hurt as to why he would call me the same nickname he called her? I don't know. I can't keep pretending I feel okay when I don't inside. I don't know when my moods are going to change. THey change just like they did at the beginning of the year last year. I don't know when I will be happy and when I will be sad. It changes at least 5-6 times a day. I'm sick and tired of htis. I CANNOT keep doing this. It kills me inside to know that Matt just wants to be there for me but that I unintentionally push him aside because I don't know what else to do. I am so alone. I've turned inward and now it seems as if the only person I can turn to anymore is him and right now I can't. He just stormed out of my room upset and said I could deal with this "in your own way" and I know he's hurting, but I don't know what to do. I can't act like I'm okay, because I'm not. NOt at all and I can't do it anymore. I just want to bawl my eyes out because that's the only thing I can think of to do. So I am. I'm going to go lay down now.