into the ether
My dog died yesterday. She got hit by a car. I don't really want to write the details because I don't really want to remember the details. But I can't forget them.
She fought. And I hope I gave her the best chance. But I had to watch the life slip away from her body. In the end, I saw her broken, physical self. I lost it. It's been a rough 24 hours. I feel so helpless. A part of me feels like I let her down, because it was my job to protect her. It's hard.
She was my companion. She was the best part of my day, always. As soon as I opened the front door, she could come trotting around the corner, wagging her little tail. I'd get down on one knee and she'd sidle right up to my leg and roll over on her back for her belly rub.
She kept me warm on cold nights, because from the first day Andrew and I brought her home, all she wanted to do was sleep under the covers. She might nap in her own bed, or on the couch, but she always slept under the covers; curled up into a little, fuzzy, heating pad.
She kept me company. I'm generally a pretty introverted guy, but I was never alone, even when I was by myself. I could be working on homework until 3 am, and she would just sleep next to me on the couch. I could be home sick, and she would stay curled up in bed.
She was also a brat who didn't like taking direction. She was impulsive, loud at times, and even embarrassing in others.
But she was my brat. And I love her.
And I know in the big scheme of things life goes on. And life will go on. I know there will come a time when I'll want another dog in my life because I love dogs. But Sydney has been the constant in my adult life. Because she was both mine and Andrew's dog, we remained friends after we broke up. That dog changed my life. Literally.
I don't want to remember the broken, physical shell that was wrapped in a blanket. I want to remember Sydney as my hyper active lap dog. The obsessively possessive toy hoarder. Her joyful bounds down the sand dunes at Fort Funston. Her little bunny hop shuffle. Her little love nips. Her frantic tail. And as the little creature who was just as happy to see me as I was to see her.
I miss her.