Back in black...
Well, I haven't been writin' in this thing for some time now for a number of reasons... mostly though, because I didn't have anything interesting to say... Which is strange because life has been very interesting lately. i guess it's just that when life gets interesting for me I get immersed in taking it all in, and I need good, solid, continuous reflection time to sort it all out.
It seems to me that I've been walking confidently lately, but without reason... well, thats not true... I have reason to be confident, I just can't name any directly. This is going nowhere. The problem is that I'm totally lost... I'm not stuck, and I'm not hurt, or very stressed, or unable to manage myself... I just don't have anyone to guide or help me right now. The only dependable people in my life... well, in a way, there are none. I have a woman who loves me... and thats all good... i look in her eyes and I become enveloped in a whole new universe each time... a place where pain and mistrust and confusion and nervousness just don't exist, and have been completely ersed from all reaches of my brain, back to front, conscious to unconscious and everything in between are totally without apprehension. I feel perfect just gazing at them, at her... but everyone has come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong, or making a mistake, or some other bullshit... but what can I do, I'm a fucking hopeless romantic, and if having to struggle while she lives with that other man means I get to make her happy, means I get to experience her, ...well then it's worth the price of admission and i know this as undeniable...
But still, every man can't help but be percieved as possesive, even if he's just being protective... Naw, maybe i am thinking possesively... wht can i say, i'm in love ... ... but, she's in love with me too, so when it comes down to it I'm chill, and i know she'd never lie to me. She loves me too much to lie to me ... it doesn't matter tho, cuz she could look into my eyes and tell me up is down, and I'd literally believe her... ... but i suppose my active repression of verbalizing these foolish thoughts is a sign of my slowly growing wisdom, and a marked improvement of my knowlege of what trusting someone means. I do trust her, because she's got no reason to lie to me... if she didn't want me anymore, she'd say so, just like before... I'd like to say it's not worth worrying about, but when it comes down to it, she's maybe the only thing I've got that's worth worrying about. I feel so immiture and helpless right now... I've got reasons why I'm so worthless right now... those I can name... people tell me they are excuses ... I don't know if those people are right or wrong, but i know I disagree with those people on many an issue... but I guess they were successful in planting the seeds of doubt... how destructive of them... I just want to roll over and either; cry myself to sleep, or see Shandra laying next to me... I wish she was here to just tell me everything's fine, because i'd genuinely believe it if she told me... It's so scary a concept... to have absolute faith in some one.... I've spent a long-ass time adhering to the philosophy of Austin; Don't Trust Anybody... It's hard to just drop it... to just let all the shields down for this one exceptional individual... everyone tells me I'm crazy... they can already see me getting hurt... but for some reason, I can't... I look to see, but the only part of me that can see me getting hurt is the pessimistic half of my logical side, and I don't think that part of my brian is in any way in contact with my "heart"... because my heart is bound to this woman... it tells me to love and believe her, because I'm in love. But it's a fine line to walk to be in love with this girl... i must balance passion and obsession, forewardness and agression, commitment (?) and confusion, attatchement and dependance... What can I say, it's been a long day, I'm down, high and confused... just lost, but what have i got to lose? I was alone and frustrated before, and now i'm in love, and she loves me... maybe i'm just transferring all the oceans of negetivity, destruction, misery and stress that surround me on all sides but one, to the one area where thee should be none, and in all sane reality, there really isn't any of that with her. i know everything's fine 'tween this fine woman + myself, I just miss her...
"Oh yeah! I'm alright. I just feel a little lonely tonight- Well it's OK most of the ti-ime, I just feel a little lonely tonight" (T. Petty)
Yeah, it's a little rediculous, but if u were in my shoes the other night, you'd feel like you hadn't seen your girl in some time too... that was painful... but i'm not even gettin into thursday night... let's just say my pride took a silent beating like I've never had to deal with before... so after all that not seeing any good friends or lover for a couple days stings a lil' bit...
i hate it when the people I have faith in show thier true colors and aren't worth having faith in anymore... which has been the case with far too many people as of late... and it's hurt me, my pride, my faith in my own judgment... i've been gettin burned in every other direction I've looked... I guess i'm just lost... I really wish i had someone to look to right now, a guide, anything.
But What the FUCK, right!? This has been my I/O for the last two - three years.., maybe it's time I got used to comanding my own life even when it's hard... damnit... I'm getting fuckin pissed here....
I'm reallly going in pointless circles.... i guess it's time i put some goddamn faith in myself... in something beside writing for once... O
Ya know what I like tho, I have a suprisingly clean conscience, one I've earned the hard way as of late... At least I have that to be proud of... Which is more than a lot of people can say... i don't mean to brag, but i think a fair amount of people lie to themselves about how much pride they take in thier own actions... but I'm actually fucking proud of the choices I've been making... It's just all these assholes around me making the bad choices that doubt mine... what the fuck do these people know about my life...
Maybe I can't find a guide in this life becuse when it comes down to it, I don't need one... I've been my own fucking conscience for some fucking time now, and you know what, I live a pretty friggin guiltless life-style, and i don't bullshit myself... i know what I'm doing anytime i make a choice, at least 99% of the time.. and I'm usually proud of my descisions... about 99% of the time, at least for the last few years.... so why shouldn't i let my heart guide me... even my brain realizes that my heart has to be my guide in the matters of love and relationships... and that it's just my brain's job to follow the heart's lead, and make do with whatever situations my heart may place all of me in.
i mean, what the fuck is life worth if i am to live in fear of getting close, and caring, and being in love, just because I'm breakable... i know I'm mendable in case of breakage... and besides, i still don't see getting broken, even though everyone else does. What the fuck does anyone really know about my insides... NOTHING!!! so I really shouldn't be listening to thier bulshit... i think i'm just worn down from all this romantic woe around me... i think this is an ongoing trial to test my faith, and my karma, and my conscienceous fortitude... And I'll be damned before i walk the fearful, faithless, principalless and gutless man's path because it my be just a bit more comfortable... but that's only because it's more numbing as well... i'd rather be fully aware and sensitive to everything and anything around me, the suffering and the joy... I'd much rather live it all in it's full echoing amplified sound, and feel every last drop of it all than to risk missing out on what truly makes life enjoyable...
This all really boils down to two things... my parents and my friends... all crazy, all seem to be lookig directly towards me, like i can do something to help them...
wait, I'll get back to that... but... Something-the Beatles--Abby Road... it was on, and it makes me heppy... that and Oh Darling... nothing but good feelings... like drugs, just thinking of her gets me high, reminds me of being with her... sends me WAY off the charts to a previously unimaginable, whirl-wind feeling of indescribable, pure release... I'm such a pansy sap sometimes, aren't I? Oh well, what can I say... i am passionate in all walks of life, why on earth would the same not apply to how i write... i see no good reason to hold back... much less keep it all to myself... I like to let the world feel my sorrow as well as my joy, and anything else in the middle, why not, if anyone cares to read and feel and step into my world, why not welcome them.
But like i was saying... there is much insanity about my life right now... My mother is really mentally ill, and getting worse, and my father is beginning to become helpless and drone-like... like he's burning out in a permanant way... not to be dramatic, but this really feels like the begining of the end for him... it seems as if he's profoundly commited to his memory of who my mother used to be... he became dependant on his family, on raising me... but now im raised, and i may not have the means in financial terms, and i might not for a few more years, but once i'm financially set, i think he'll feel as if he is without purpose... and he'll just fade... whereas my mother, like most assholes, proly just won't die... she'll prolly fuckin live to be 100, and she'll have spent more than half of it miserable because a' some stupid childhood bullshit and a failed marriage. But what can be expected from a marriage built on a child instead of love.
I also can't help but feel guilty for sort of avoiding caitlin... I can't do anything to fix her, and i know it would help for her to hear from me... but I just can't hndle her anymore... the only way I ever saw to fix her was to fall in love with her, and I started to... but whenever I did, or tried, she resisted... i know she resisted out of fear, and "consideration" for me... but the bottom line is that her confidence is just totally shot... i hate to sound callous, but I do have to put myself first sometimes... I think, as my own judge, that she has many friends who are there for her, and enough people are looking to me for help right now where i honestly can't handle the type of stress and exhaustion that comes with trying to be her personal crutch... plus, she's a very strong girl... I'm having a good enough struggle taking care of myself... I just cant do anything take care of her too, im not equipped to do so, i tried, and did alright for a while, but I haven't been able to for a little while now, and I don't think I'm going to be able any better suited anytime in the near future...
My boy T has lost his brain too... God knows i love him like a brother, but again, theres really not much i can do to help him... and all the negetivity that he brings with him is just too hefty a burden on me right now... he's destructive with his words and with his attitude... his aura is dark, but definitively and powerfully visiable, like he's living in his own private tsunami, malicious and self-destructive... but deep down there's a good, great brother of mine trapped and confused in the middle... i helped to bring him from his ledge... but it seems almost futile trying to get him from atop the roof... we're ( his close friends and family) just all gonna have to keep waiting at the bootom floor with our nets and running-shoes. Like I said...I spent a lotta time dealin w/ him, and I've left my door open to him... so I feel justified in not tracking him down, and inviting bad energy into my home... But when i do figure a way to help him, I'll act on it, and of course I'll be there if he needs me. I have the feeling he'll be around real soon...
My cousin is way down too... but I'm convinced he's just going through some metaphoric growing pains... and he's having a very hard time... but I know he'll be fine... i don't know anything about what to do to help him... i wish to god i did. But i think Brian wants to handle this moreso alone than with help... but I'll keep trying to aid him in any ways that i figure...
Vicki's just always appearantly on the same plane as me, and when we get togather and talk about shit, we always both help eachother... i'm so glad i met her... she's one of the best friends I've ever found... From the very start there was such a strong, immedeate, thourough connection between us, we understand eachother so well... for just a little while i thought i could fall in love with her, or at least start something up... and in a way, i maybe i might could be again someday.... but for now i'm just so glad to have the friendship i have with her... its really fucking perfect in a sense... i would like to see her a little more often, but who knows... maybe i will over the summer, hopefully. i actully love Vicki Lee, it's the love shared between friends. it's a soothing relationship, without the complications and extremities that come with being in love with someone... its simple, and honest, and most importantly, it's fucking easy. she's a damn great friend, i'm glad to have found her.
Chris is a damn good guy... he's a bit mixed up in life, but he means well. i think his parents may have had more negetive effects on his personality than positive... but i think the longer he has good friends with him, the better off both he'll be... I met him, and saw his problems on his sleeve, in his actions, in his thinly vieled words... and I saw them from the wrong perspective... for reasons obvious but remaining undisclosed.. i thought they made him less of a person... and I couldn't have beem more wrong... He's got a lot of learning to do...( LIKE I DON'T!!!! ) and that's fine, I like to teach, and I learn from him, just like all my good friends... it's a mutally beneficial friendship, it's very chill... a little off though.... I feel as if he wears masks more often than he should... i dont like that because occasionally it rubs off on me, and I hate when i get sucked into other's bad habits... But he's loyal, and he tries to be a good friend, what else could i ask for from a friend? I just hope i can help him to continue to work through his problems... even if he usually can't help with mine... but that's ok, i don't mind at all.
Joe Daly, he's a real good friend too... but he's someone that looks to me for help too... I feel as if he wants me to mentor him sometimes... and thats chill, when i'm in the mood to do so... but I'm no fucking on-call head doctor... and it seems like he's been bull-shitting more and more in the last year or so... and the closer he gets to really lieing to me, the more uncomfortable i feel around him... I know he's got his reasons for holding stuff back, and keeping things very to-himself... but that type of stuff bugs me... i consider it an insult to my worth... I really wish i could read minds...
If anyone is crazy enought to have read this, I want to make a disclaimer at this point... ** I AM NO JUDGE OF PEOPLE, I DON'T THINK IM BETTER OR WORSE AS A PERSON THAN ANY OF MY FRIENDS, OR PRACTICALLY ANYONE WHO'S NOT OBVIOUSLY A SCUM-FUCK-BASTARD-ASSHOLE.... THESE ARE JUST MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ON HOW THE PEOPLE ARUOND ME AFFECT ME, AND HOW I THINK I AFFECT THEM... MY POINT BEING THAT**** I AM NO JUDGE OF PEOPLE****, I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER, AND I THINK THEY ARE ALL WELL-INTENTIONED PEOPLE, I MEAN NO HARM OR CRITISISM BY SAYING ALL THIS BS**
back to Shandra... that's how it always seems to go in my head now... never too long without thinking about Shandra... I can't even type her name without a million distinct memories flying about my brain... It's like she's hypnotic to me... a seperate species unto herself. Goddamn is she hot though. Her eyes radiate a glow that can literally change the way i percieve light after looking into them... when i touch her it's like a mild current flows from inside her and ignite's all sorts of sensors in me that i had forgot even existed. Every hour spent with her is like a day in paradise... the four-day trip to NH was like a month of vacationing to me after spending so much time with her. I could sit here and write about Shandra until my figers grind down and ware to dust, and I'd just keep typing with the knubs, and then the knuckles, and I still wouldn't be done even after gring down to the palms of my hands. She lights me on fire and sends me in a super-sonic shuttle to Planet Euphoria everytime i hear her voice, or feel her hands on me... she was the first girl that really ever meant anything to me, and recently I actually felt for the first time like i was making love, and not just fucking... It's an awe-inspiring feeling... nothing like anything i've ever felt, or seen, or even heard of... it was perfect and intense, beautiful like discovering a whole new pallet of colors that only her and i can see... it was like composing the grandest symphonic masterpiece in the history of man... playing it all by ourselves, and then burning the paper it was composed on, along with the rest of the world around us in a joining of two extremely explosive elements... two firey Aeries buring the sky itself with thier love-making... the type of interpersonal connection I'd always dreamt of since the first time she reached around the beat, grey padded chairs of my cousin's 91' Mercury Caprice... on the night of my first ever visit to the "folk scene" at some crazy open-mic... i think this place was called the Sittin' Bull... it might have a different name tho... but the whole time there (the only stuff i really remember from my " folk scene days... well, than and her n Melissa's music) I was starting get to know Shandra... ...
I mean.. she'd been around for ages, and we never really talked much before... but we were laughing and enjoying eachother's compony, and it was great. I didn't think more of her than just a fantstic, intelligable, gorgeous chick that I connected with, but she'd never go for me, so I'd be dumb to try. But low and behold... the ride home.... I'm just chillin in the front, bit of a buzz, Missy' drivin' with a lil' bit more... Shandra's chillin' in the back, talkin' into the front, mostly to missy, some to me, and i feel her... Her hand is just in mine... she ran her fanges on the inside of mine, and her thumb in circles over my palm... I then melted into a 200 lb puddle of michael... I've been in love ever since... i remember that for weeks after that we continued to see eachother more and more frequently... our connection growing strong and ever-more intense...We had spent many a night roaming our town, our neighborhood togather... sitting in comfortable spots, being with one another, reveling and basking in one another's thoughts and questions and stories and wonderments... happy just to be, just to be togather... just to share eachother, everything and anything, to listen to eachother rant, to listen to eachother laugh. She'd give me flowers, and I'd pick her some too, and we both saved em' till the turned to nothingness, and were sad to see them go... I remember Sep 10, 2001 as being one of the most unforgettable moments of my life... maybe the most spectacular, breath-taking moment of my life... It had been a long Sunday... Shandra was having a rough day, trying to tend to the craziness in her friend's life... and soon after the sun had set, she gave in... she turned from this miserable party and left with me to the parking lot and cried while I held her... and it never feels good to see her cry, but, like anyone she has to sometimes, and I am glad to be her shoulder to cry on, literally. I love to make her feel better, so when she's done with the tears, and ready to move on, I'm already there, and I already know what she needs to hear to illicit that uplifting smile from her pretty young face... So when she was done with that, a couple hours later we decided it was time for her to walk me home... The walk the there-to-here is only about four minutes, and about two minutes from my house we sat and began to talk... as we talked- our minds, our body language, our souls were working in sync, drawing us towards eachother, like it was something our conscious minds had no control over, but wouldn't resist either...we both knew when it was right... and we leaned closer... my mind raced faster than i knew any mind could race ever... the lights, the scenery, the smells, the look in her eyes, my view of her lips, her cheeks, her hair, her mouth... everything that had happened all day at that crazy party, the past 4 weeks of my life at the time... it all raced in cycles 1000 thoughts every quarter second.... and then inspired, ureal, extasy-laced tranquility, a moment of perfection... a zen connection, a romantic ignition, an acceptance of one another and our love for eachother the most amazing climax of a building connection I'll ever experience... all at once... it was like literal fireworks enraptured us for however long we sat there experiencing one another, learning to feel eachother in a new way.... That was the first time I'd tasted... and the taste was addicting and sweet.
I can still remember being at home alone in my bedroom, laying in bed, staring through my television, only seeing her and I in that perfect moment togather and a huge ball of tears welled up in my eyes, and all fell in one thick drop... in a feeling of total disblief and uniterruptable joy i found out what it feels like to cry tears of joy. In fact, that's the only time that has ever happened to me...
September 11 2001 was quite the mixed bag for me, and her too... I remember that night we met up and walked to somewhere private in some woods togather to talk... I know we talked about a lot of stuff that night, some of it 9/11 related... but we were both just overcome with pleasure in seeing eachother, and joy in having eachother... and i stopped mid-sentence and asked " Was last night real? Did that even happen, or was it just some fantastic dream?" She laughed and sighed relief and glowed joy all at once while she exclaimed " Yes! Yes, of course it really happened!"... It was so sad though, thinking of all the innocent life lost... and then guilt for being happy to see her and have her on such a horrifying day...
I don't think any girl, or even any person outside of my family has, can or could have affected me,... impacted me as much as her... it's kinda crazy, considering I've spent a lot less time with her than a lot of other people... but like I said... an hour with her is like a day in paradise...
Welll, i've accomplished my goal and absolutely nothing at the same time... I've got everything of my chest that weighed me down today, i've written something that may be interesting to someone, i hope. But, i doubt anyone will ever read all of this... 'cept me... but that's chill. i wrote it for me anyway... everyone else is just secondary in this entry... sorry. Man i hope this all don't go to waste... haha... "Life's been good so me so far"-(J.Welsch)
It seems to me that I've been walking confidently lately, but without reason... well, thats not true... I have reason to be confident, I just can't name any directly. This is going nowhere. The problem is that I'm totally lost... I'm not stuck, and I'm not hurt, or very stressed, or unable to manage myself... I just don't have anyone to guide or help me right now. The only dependable people in my life... well, in a way, there are none. I have a woman who loves me... and thats all good... i look in her eyes and I become enveloped in a whole new universe each time... a place where pain and mistrust and confusion and nervousness just don't exist, and have been completely ersed from all reaches of my brain, back to front, conscious to unconscious and everything in between are totally without apprehension. I feel perfect just gazing at them, at her... but everyone has come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong, or making a mistake, or some other bullshit... but what can I do, I'm a fucking hopeless romantic, and if having to struggle while she lives with that other man means I get to make her happy, means I get to experience her, ...well then it's worth the price of admission and i know this as undeniable...
But still, every man can't help but be percieved as possesive, even if he's just being protective... Naw, maybe i am thinking possesively... wht can i say, i'm in love ... ... but, she's in love with me too, so when it comes down to it I'm chill, and i know she'd never lie to me. She loves me too much to lie to me ... it doesn't matter tho, cuz she could look into my eyes and tell me up is down, and I'd literally believe her... ... but i suppose my active repression of verbalizing these foolish thoughts is a sign of my slowly growing wisdom, and a marked improvement of my knowlege of what trusting someone means. I do trust her, because she's got no reason to lie to me... if she didn't want me anymore, she'd say so, just like before... I'd like to say it's not worth worrying about, but when it comes down to it, she's maybe the only thing I've got that's worth worrying about. I feel so immiture and helpless right now... I've got reasons why I'm so worthless right now... those I can name... people tell me they are excuses ... I don't know if those people are right or wrong, but i know I disagree with those people on many an issue... but I guess they were successful in planting the seeds of doubt... how destructive of them... I just want to roll over and either; cry myself to sleep, or see Shandra laying next to me... I wish she was here to just tell me everything's fine, because i'd genuinely believe it if she told me... It's so scary a concept... to have absolute faith in some one.... I've spent a long-ass time adhering to the philosophy of Austin; Don't Trust Anybody... It's hard to just drop it... to just let all the shields down for this one exceptional individual... everyone tells me I'm crazy... they can already see me getting hurt... but for some reason, I can't... I look to see, but the only part of me that can see me getting hurt is the pessimistic half of my logical side, and I don't think that part of my brian is in any way in contact with my "heart"... because my heart is bound to this woman... it tells me to love and believe her, because I'm in love. But it's a fine line to walk to be in love with this girl... i must balance passion and obsession, forewardness and agression, commitment (?) and confusion, attatchement and dependance... What can I say, it's been a long day, I'm down, high and confused... just lost, but what have i got to lose? I was alone and frustrated before, and now i'm in love, and she loves me... maybe i'm just transferring all the oceans of negetivity, destruction, misery and stress that surround me on all sides but one, to the one area where thee should be none, and in all sane reality, there really isn't any of that with her. i know everything's fine 'tween this fine woman + myself, I just miss her...
"Oh yeah! I'm alright. I just feel a little lonely tonight- Well it's OK most of the ti-ime, I just feel a little lonely tonight" (T. Petty)
Yeah, it's a little rediculous, but if u were in my shoes the other night, you'd feel like you hadn't seen your girl in some time too... that was painful... but i'm not even gettin into thursday night... let's just say my pride took a silent beating like I've never had to deal with before... so after all that not seeing any good friends or lover for a couple days stings a lil' bit...
i hate it when the people I have faith in show thier true colors and aren't worth having faith in anymore... which has been the case with far too many people as of late... and it's hurt me, my pride, my faith in my own judgment... i've been gettin burned in every other direction I've looked... I guess i'm just lost... I really wish i had someone to look to right now, a guide, anything.
But What the FUCK, right!? This has been my I/O for the last two - three years.., maybe it's time I got used to comanding my own life even when it's hard... damnit... I'm getting fuckin pissed here....
I'm reallly going in pointless circles.... i guess it's time i put some goddamn faith in myself... in something beside writing for once... O
Ya know what I like tho, I have a suprisingly clean conscience, one I've earned the hard way as of late... At least I have that to be proud of... Which is more than a lot of people can say... i don't mean to brag, but i think a fair amount of people lie to themselves about how much pride they take in thier own actions... but I'm actually fucking proud of the choices I've been making... It's just all these assholes around me making the bad choices that doubt mine... what the fuck do these people know about my life...
Maybe I can't find a guide in this life becuse when it comes down to it, I don't need one... I've been my own fucking conscience for some fucking time now, and you know what, I live a pretty friggin guiltless life-style, and i don't bullshit myself... i know what I'm doing anytime i make a choice, at least 99% of the time.. and I'm usually proud of my descisions... about 99% of the time, at least for the last few years.... so why shouldn't i let my heart guide me... even my brain realizes that my heart has to be my guide in the matters of love and relationships... and that it's just my brain's job to follow the heart's lead, and make do with whatever situations my heart may place all of me in.
i mean, what the fuck is life worth if i am to live in fear of getting close, and caring, and being in love, just because I'm breakable... i know I'm mendable in case of breakage... and besides, i still don't see getting broken, even though everyone else does. What the fuck does anyone really know about my insides... NOTHING!!! so I really shouldn't be listening to thier bulshit... i think i'm just worn down from all this romantic woe around me... i think this is an ongoing trial to test my faith, and my karma, and my conscienceous fortitude... And I'll be damned before i walk the fearful, faithless, principalless and gutless man's path because it my be just a bit more comfortable... but that's only because it's more numbing as well... i'd rather be fully aware and sensitive to everything and anything around me, the suffering and the joy... I'd much rather live it all in it's full echoing amplified sound, and feel every last drop of it all than to risk missing out on what truly makes life enjoyable...
This all really boils down to two things... my parents and my friends... all crazy, all seem to be lookig directly towards me, like i can do something to help them...
wait, I'll get back to that... but... Something-the Beatles--Abby Road... it was on, and it makes me heppy... that and Oh Darling... nothing but good feelings... like drugs, just thinking of her gets me high, reminds me of being with her... sends me WAY off the charts to a previously unimaginable, whirl-wind feeling of indescribable, pure release... I'm such a pansy sap sometimes, aren't I? Oh well, what can I say... i am passionate in all walks of life, why on earth would the same not apply to how i write... i see no good reason to hold back... much less keep it all to myself... I like to let the world feel my sorrow as well as my joy, and anything else in the middle, why not, if anyone cares to read and feel and step into my world, why not welcome them.
But like i was saying... there is much insanity about my life right now... My mother is really mentally ill, and getting worse, and my father is beginning to become helpless and drone-like... like he's burning out in a permanant way... not to be dramatic, but this really feels like the begining of the end for him... it seems as if he's profoundly commited to his memory of who my mother used to be... he became dependant on his family, on raising me... but now im raised, and i may not have the means in financial terms, and i might not for a few more years, but once i'm financially set, i think he'll feel as if he is without purpose... and he'll just fade... whereas my mother, like most assholes, proly just won't die... she'll prolly fuckin live to be 100, and she'll have spent more than half of it miserable because a' some stupid childhood bullshit and a failed marriage. But what can be expected from a marriage built on a child instead of love.
I also can't help but feel guilty for sort of avoiding caitlin... I can't do anything to fix her, and i know it would help for her to hear from me... but I just can't hndle her anymore... the only way I ever saw to fix her was to fall in love with her, and I started to... but whenever I did, or tried, she resisted... i know she resisted out of fear, and "consideration" for me... but the bottom line is that her confidence is just totally shot... i hate to sound callous, but I do have to put myself first sometimes... I think, as my own judge, that she has many friends who are there for her, and enough people are looking to me for help right now where i honestly can't handle the type of stress and exhaustion that comes with trying to be her personal crutch... plus, she's a very strong girl... I'm having a good enough struggle taking care of myself... I just cant do anything take care of her too, im not equipped to do so, i tried, and did alright for a while, but I haven't been able to for a little while now, and I don't think I'm going to be able any better suited anytime in the near future...
My boy T has lost his brain too... God knows i love him like a brother, but again, theres really not much i can do to help him... and all the negetivity that he brings with him is just too hefty a burden on me right now... he's destructive with his words and with his attitude... his aura is dark, but definitively and powerfully visiable, like he's living in his own private tsunami, malicious and self-destructive... but deep down there's a good, great brother of mine trapped and confused in the middle... i helped to bring him from his ledge... but it seems almost futile trying to get him from atop the roof... we're ( his close friends and family) just all gonna have to keep waiting at the bootom floor with our nets and running-shoes. Like I said...I spent a lotta time dealin w/ him, and I've left my door open to him... so I feel justified in not tracking him down, and inviting bad energy into my home... But when i do figure a way to help him, I'll act on it, and of course I'll be there if he needs me. I have the feeling he'll be around real soon...
My cousin is way down too... but I'm convinced he's just going through some metaphoric growing pains... and he's having a very hard time... but I know he'll be fine... i don't know anything about what to do to help him... i wish to god i did. But i think Brian wants to handle this moreso alone than with help... but I'll keep trying to aid him in any ways that i figure...
Vicki's just always appearantly on the same plane as me, and when we get togather and talk about shit, we always both help eachother... i'm so glad i met her... she's one of the best friends I've ever found... From the very start there was such a strong, immedeate, thourough connection between us, we understand eachother so well... for just a little while i thought i could fall in love with her, or at least start something up... and in a way, i maybe i might could be again someday.... but for now i'm just so glad to have the friendship i have with her... its really fucking perfect in a sense... i would like to see her a little more often, but who knows... maybe i will over the summer, hopefully. i actully love Vicki Lee, it's the love shared between friends. it's a soothing relationship, without the complications and extremities that come with being in love with someone... its simple, and honest, and most importantly, it's fucking easy. she's a damn great friend, i'm glad to have found her.
Chris is a damn good guy... he's a bit mixed up in life, but he means well. i think his parents may have had more negetive effects on his personality than positive... but i think the longer he has good friends with him, the better off both he'll be... I met him, and saw his problems on his sleeve, in his actions, in his thinly vieled words... and I saw them from the wrong perspective... for reasons obvious but remaining undisclosed.. i thought they made him less of a person... and I couldn't have beem more wrong... He's got a lot of learning to do...( LIKE I DON'T!!!! ) and that's fine, I like to teach, and I learn from him, just like all my good friends... it's a mutally beneficial friendship, it's very chill... a little off though.... I feel as if he wears masks more often than he should... i dont like that because occasionally it rubs off on me, and I hate when i get sucked into other's bad habits... But he's loyal, and he tries to be a good friend, what else could i ask for from a friend? I just hope i can help him to continue to work through his problems... even if he usually can't help with mine... but that's ok, i don't mind at all.
Joe Daly, he's a real good friend too... but he's someone that looks to me for help too... I feel as if he wants me to mentor him sometimes... and thats chill, when i'm in the mood to do so... but I'm no fucking on-call head doctor... and it seems like he's been bull-shitting more and more in the last year or so... and the closer he gets to really lieing to me, the more uncomfortable i feel around him... I know he's got his reasons for holding stuff back, and keeping things very to-himself... but that type of stuff bugs me... i consider it an insult to my worth... I really wish i could read minds...
If anyone is crazy enought to have read this, I want to make a disclaimer at this point... ** I AM NO JUDGE OF PEOPLE, I DON'T THINK IM BETTER OR WORSE AS A PERSON THAN ANY OF MY FRIENDS, OR PRACTICALLY ANYONE WHO'S NOT OBVIOUSLY A SCUM-FUCK-BASTARD-ASSHOLE.... THESE ARE JUST MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ON HOW THE PEOPLE ARUOND ME AFFECT ME, AND HOW I THINK I AFFECT THEM... MY POINT BEING THAT**** I AM NO JUDGE OF PEOPLE****, I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER, AND I THINK THEY ARE ALL WELL-INTENTIONED PEOPLE, I MEAN NO HARM OR CRITISISM BY SAYING ALL THIS BS**
back to Shandra... that's how it always seems to go in my head now... never too long without thinking about Shandra... I can't even type her name without a million distinct memories flying about my brain... It's like she's hypnotic to me... a seperate species unto herself. Goddamn is she hot though. Her eyes radiate a glow that can literally change the way i percieve light after looking into them... when i touch her it's like a mild current flows from inside her and ignite's all sorts of sensors in me that i had forgot even existed. Every hour spent with her is like a day in paradise... the four-day trip to NH was like a month of vacationing to me after spending so much time with her. I could sit here and write about Shandra until my figers grind down and ware to dust, and I'd just keep typing with the knubs, and then the knuckles, and I still wouldn't be done even after gring down to the palms of my hands. She lights me on fire and sends me in a super-sonic shuttle to Planet Euphoria everytime i hear her voice, or feel her hands on me... she was the first girl that really ever meant anything to me, and recently I actually felt for the first time like i was making love, and not just fucking... It's an awe-inspiring feeling... nothing like anything i've ever felt, or seen, or even heard of... it was perfect and intense, beautiful like discovering a whole new pallet of colors that only her and i can see... it was like composing the grandest symphonic masterpiece in the history of man... playing it all by ourselves, and then burning the paper it was composed on, along with the rest of the world around us in a joining of two extremely explosive elements... two firey Aeries buring the sky itself with thier love-making... the type of interpersonal connection I'd always dreamt of since the first time she reached around the beat, grey padded chairs of my cousin's 91' Mercury Caprice... on the night of my first ever visit to the "folk scene" at some crazy open-mic... i think this place was called the Sittin' Bull... it might have a different name tho... but the whole time there (the only stuff i really remember from my " folk scene days... well, than and her n Melissa's music) I was starting get to know Shandra... ...
I mean.. she'd been around for ages, and we never really talked much before... but we were laughing and enjoying eachother's compony, and it was great. I didn't think more of her than just a fantstic, intelligable, gorgeous chick that I connected with, but she'd never go for me, so I'd be dumb to try. But low and behold... the ride home.... I'm just chillin in the front, bit of a buzz, Missy' drivin' with a lil' bit more... Shandra's chillin' in the back, talkin' into the front, mostly to missy, some to me, and i feel her... Her hand is just in mine... she ran her fanges on the inside of mine, and her thumb in circles over my palm... I then melted into a 200 lb puddle of michael... I've been in love ever since... i remember that for weeks after that we continued to see eachother more and more frequently... our connection growing strong and ever-more intense...We had spent many a night roaming our town, our neighborhood togather... sitting in comfortable spots, being with one another, reveling and basking in one another's thoughts and questions and stories and wonderments... happy just to be, just to be togather... just to share eachother, everything and anything, to listen to eachother rant, to listen to eachother laugh. She'd give me flowers, and I'd pick her some too, and we both saved em' till the turned to nothingness, and were sad to see them go... I remember Sep 10, 2001 as being one of the most unforgettable moments of my life... maybe the most spectacular, breath-taking moment of my life... It had been a long Sunday... Shandra was having a rough day, trying to tend to the craziness in her friend's life... and soon after the sun had set, she gave in... she turned from this miserable party and left with me to the parking lot and cried while I held her... and it never feels good to see her cry, but, like anyone she has to sometimes, and I am glad to be her shoulder to cry on, literally. I love to make her feel better, so when she's done with the tears, and ready to move on, I'm already there, and I already know what she needs to hear to illicit that uplifting smile from her pretty young face... So when she was done with that, a couple hours later we decided it was time for her to walk me home... The walk the there-to-here is only about four minutes, and about two minutes from my house we sat and began to talk... as we talked- our minds, our body language, our souls were working in sync, drawing us towards eachother, like it was something our conscious minds had no control over, but wouldn't resist either...we both knew when it was right... and we leaned closer... my mind raced faster than i knew any mind could race ever... the lights, the scenery, the smells, the look in her eyes, my view of her lips, her cheeks, her hair, her mouth... everything that had happened all day at that crazy party, the past 4 weeks of my life at the time... it all raced in cycles 1000 thoughts every quarter second.... and then inspired, ureal, extasy-laced tranquility, a moment of perfection... a zen connection, a romantic ignition, an acceptance of one another and our love for eachother the most amazing climax of a building connection I'll ever experience... all at once... it was like literal fireworks enraptured us for however long we sat there experiencing one another, learning to feel eachother in a new way.... That was the first time I'd tasted... and the taste was addicting and sweet.
I can still remember being at home alone in my bedroom, laying in bed, staring through my television, only seeing her and I in that perfect moment togather and a huge ball of tears welled up in my eyes, and all fell in one thick drop... in a feeling of total disblief and uniterruptable joy i found out what it feels like to cry tears of joy. In fact, that's the only time that has ever happened to me...
September 11 2001 was quite the mixed bag for me, and her too... I remember that night we met up and walked to somewhere private in some woods togather to talk... I know we talked about a lot of stuff that night, some of it 9/11 related... but we were both just overcome with pleasure in seeing eachother, and joy in having eachother... and i stopped mid-sentence and asked " Was last night real? Did that even happen, or was it just some fantastic dream?" She laughed and sighed relief and glowed joy all at once while she exclaimed " Yes! Yes, of course it really happened!"... It was so sad though, thinking of all the innocent life lost... and then guilt for being happy to see her and have her on such a horrifying day...
I don't think any girl, or even any person outside of my family has, can or could have affected me,... impacted me as much as her... it's kinda crazy, considering I've spent a lot less time with her than a lot of other people... but like I said... an hour with her is like a day in paradise...
Welll, i've accomplished my goal and absolutely nothing at the same time... I've got everything of my chest that weighed me down today, i've written something that may be interesting to someone, i hope. But, i doubt anyone will ever read all of this... 'cept me... but that's chill. i wrote it for me anyway... everyone else is just secondary in this entry... sorry. Man i hope this all don't go to waste... haha... "Life's been good so me so far"-(J.Welsch)