Teardrops on a Lonely Keyboard
Depressing title, I know. But I've been pretty depressed the last couple of days. I don't want Friday to get here...
I spent the weekend with that boy. I was at his place for 46 hours and 50 minutes straight. It was nowhere near long enough.
Friday night, we watched Archer on his couch. We sat right against each other, but neither of us wanted to make the move. We weren't sure what the other was thinking.
It grew rather late, and given he lives an hour from my address in this state he let me crash at his place. He offered his bed and said he would crash on the couch, but I felt really guilty. I said we could share the bed. He laughed and said he would "if it would make me feel better". We didn't sleep at all.
For an hour we simply chatted. It felt so familiar. Countless nights I've laid awake in the dark of my room, chatting with him over PlayStation. I realize that sounds kind of dumb, but... we both enjoyed ourselves. That's what mattered. It was comforting to lay in the dark and hear that voice, this time without having to wear headphones or be careful not to unplug my controller.
After an hour, he kissed my forehead. So I leaned over and kissed him properly. From there, we enjoyed ourselves for a few hours. Eventually, we realized the sun was up and we should get some sleep. He slept a bit here and there, but try as I might I couldn't. It's not surprising. I have awful insomnia, and sleeping somewhere new sets it off. Around 10am I decided to give up the fight.
We moved back to the living room to watch more Archer, and I did catch a few small naps, which was nice. Eventually, we decided to switch things up and he popped in Uncharted 4 so that I could give it a try. It was actually kind of fun. I've never been much good at platformers or shooters, though, so I wasn't terribly great, but I enjoyed myself all the same. Around 11:30 we decided we should actually try to get some sleep that night.
We finally fell asleep around 1am. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but I know I woke up happy for the first time in years. He had been up for about an hour, I guess, and he joined me back in bed. We spent the whole day there. A lot of the time was just talking. That's kind of our thing, I guess, chatting. That's how we met, how we got to know each other, and how... we ended up there. We did our fair share of heavy petting as well, but the afternoon was cut short when I had to leave for family reasons (that turned out to be bullshit anyway, so I could have stayed longer -.-).
That night I actually shed tears.
I don't do that. I'm known for not getting emotional or attached or having feelings.
I haven't been this attached to someone since... I would say my ex-fiancee, but as much as I loved him he also aggravated me and put me down and was an ass. This guy... he's so much better. He's a gentleman, not wanting to overstep his bounds at any point. He is caring and appreciative. He doesn't nitpick at my features. He doesn't blow me off when I'm sitting right next to him. He actually has his shit together... So many times I would look at him and think, "I could really love this guy."
And maybe
just maybe
I do.
I don't want to tell him, though. And I can tell he wants to tell me, but doesn't want to say it, either. The thing is, the Universe likes to fuck me over every chance it gets. This time, it's not just affecting me, and I feel guilty. I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to have to hurt, too. I don't want him to have to wait for me while the Universe throws me around this side of the country. It's not fair to him.
Anyway, sorry for the long, touchy feely post. Tl;dr: I like this guy who likes me, but the Universe is a giant bastard. Guess I just needed to talk to someone. I don't really have anyone around me to talk to. I don't really have any girlfriends, just guy friends who don't understand.
-N.E.
I spent the weekend with that boy. I was at his place for 46 hours and 50 minutes straight. It was nowhere near long enough.
Friday night, we watched Archer on his couch. We sat right against each other, but neither of us wanted to make the move. We weren't sure what the other was thinking.
It grew rather late, and given he lives an hour from my address in this state he let me crash at his place. He offered his bed and said he would crash on the couch, but I felt really guilty. I said we could share the bed. He laughed and said he would "if it would make me feel better". We didn't sleep at all.
For an hour we simply chatted. It felt so familiar. Countless nights I've laid awake in the dark of my room, chatting with him over PlayStation. I realize that sounds kind of dumb, but... we both enjoyed ourselves. That's what mattered. It was comforting to lay in the dark and hear that voice, this time without having to wear headphones or be careful not to unplug my controller.
After an hour, he kissed my forehead. So I leaned over and kissed him properly. From there, we enjoyed ourselves for a few hours. Eventually, we realized the sun was up and we should get some sleep. He slept a bit here and there, but try as I might I couldn't. It's not surprising. I have awful insomnia, and sleeping somewhere new sets it off. Around 10am I decided to give up the fight.
We moved back to the living room to watch more Archer, and I did catch a few small naps, which was nice. Eventually, we decided to switch things up and he popped in Uncharted 4 so that I could give it a try. It was actually kind of fun. I've never been much good at platformers or shooters, though, so I wasn't terribly great, but I enjoyed myself all the same. Around 11:30 we decided we should actually try to get some sleep that night.
We finally fell asleep around 1am. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but I know I woke up happy for the first time in years. He had been up for about an hour, I guess, and he joined me back in bed. We spent the whole day there. A lot of the time was just talking. That's kind of our thing, I guess, chatting. That's how we met, how we got to know each other, and how... we ended up there. We did our fair share of heavy petting as well, but the afternoon was cut short when I had to leave for family reasons (that turned out to be bullshit anyway, so I could have stayed longer -.-).
That night I actually shed tears.
I don't do that. I'm known for not getting emotional or attached or having feelings.
I haven't been this attached to someone since... I would say my ex-fiancee, but as much as I loved him he also aggravated me and put me down and was an ass. This guy... he's so much better. He's a gentleman, not wanting to overstep his bounds at any point. He is caring and appreciative. He doesn't nitpick at my features. He doesn't blow me off when I'm sitting right next to him. He actually has his shit together... So many times I would look at him and think, "I could really love this guy."
And maybe
just maybe
I do.
I don't want to tell him, though. And I can tell he wants to tell me, but doesn't want to say it, either. The thing is, the Universe likes to fuck me over every chance it gets. This time, it's not just affecting me, and I feel guilty. I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to have to hurt, too. I don't want him to have to wait for me while the Universe throws me around this side of the country. It's not fair to him.
Anyway, sorry for the long, touchy feely post. Tl;dr: I like this guy who likes me, but the Universe is a giant bastard. Guess I just needed to talk to someone. I don't really have anyone around me to talk to. I don't really have any girlfriends, just guy friends who don't understand.
-N.E.