. . : : bleh : : . .
Hmm..I don't like December much this year. I keep having these mini-breakdowns, and I hate it. Last week I had one over daddy. Earlier today I had one over my brother and sister, and then shortly after that one I had one over my brother. I don't get it, and I don't like it. All those years before, it never bugged me. I wasn't ok with the fact that they weren't here, but I could deal with it. But this year...this year, it's a lot harder. I'm just feeling very cranky and snappish, and sad, and it's bugging the hell outta me. I was hanging the lights earlier, when I had my breakdown over Scott. I just kept thinking, 'This is his job. I shouldn't be doing this.' Even though they've been gone for about eight years now, and I haven't thought it in years, I still did. And when I found myself too short and had to get a stool, I thought, 'Scott was so tall! He needs to be doing this!' I told mama about it, and she laughed at me. She said Scott wasn't tall until his last two years here. She said he just seemed tall because I was so much shorter. I don't like being this upset about it. I don't like how everything I hear or see makes me think of either daddy or them. I don't like how much it's tearing me up. Mama thinks it's because everything's changing for me. She says it's normal. I don't think it is. See, when Dwayne told Shaun I liked him, I wanted Kelli. Even though her record with guys is less-than-stellar, I knew she could help, or at least listen and let me be upset. But she wasn't here. The other day, I was reading a CCS fic where Touya was being especially over-protective, and I couldn't help but think that I'd never get to know if Scott would ever be like that. And then when Dwayne and I started talking about the Shaun situation again, I couldn't help but wonder if, if there was even a tiny chance and we ended up dating, Scott would like him/approve/go Touya on his sorry arse. I don't know. I don't want to think about them this much; they made their choice a long time ago. I want to write them again, but I know I shouldn't. I know if I open that door again, they'll stop writing and I'll be left broken up again. I know I can't take much more of it - that's why I haven't written recently. But I can't help it! They're my family - I want them to be my family, no matter how much they've screwed up! I miss them, and I hate it. And when I was hanging the lights earlier, I started crying again because my thoughts of Scott and his super tall-ness and light hanging abilities made me realize how much I wanted them here. And I started wishing they'd come, that I'd look up from what I was doing and they'd be outside the door. I started thinking if I wished hard enough they'd come, even though Scott can't return to the state and Kelli probably doesn't want to. I just..I just wanted them there. I just wanted to hug them and apologize for the last letter, and for all the stupid things I'd said to them. I just wanted to tell them that I still loved them, and that I understood why they ran, even if I didn't. I just wanted them to be here, and I just wanted to spend some time with them. I just wanted to say I was sorry. But I know they're not coming. I know they'll never come, and I know I should stop wishing. But the crazy part, the part that makes me a complete idiot, is I can't. I couldn't stop missing them after I'd sent the last letter, and I still can't stop missing them even though I know if I write I'll get hurt again. I want to believe they've changed; I want to believe it'll be ok to write again. But I can't believe anymore, because every time I do, things go up in flames, and I'm left crying, and hating them, and missing them. I want something I can never have, just like with Shaun. So my question to y'all is this: am I just some sick masochist hell-bent on bringing nothing but pain to her own life? ~ tN!!