Heart Pain
Thank you to everyone for your support and hugs and prayers. Hugs are never redundant.
Unfortunately the news about my stepdad is not the best. The angiogram today showed that two of the three major arteries feeding his heart are blocked. The left anterior descending artery is 100% blocked, and right coronary artery is 80% blocked. The third major artery feeding the heart is evidently still open, and his heart muscle is strong and in good shape, but as a result of the severity of the blockages, his doctors feel that the only viable course of action is coronary bypass surgery.
He is at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville, which is a major heart care center. They have a new technology that uses both coronary bypass and angiography to check that the bypass is patent before they even close the incisions. He will have surgery Friday morning, and will be in the hospital until then, and likely for seven days afterwards. They feel that because he is in good general health, he is a good surgical candidate. But this is still major open heart surgery. It's scary.
I've talked to both my mom and my sister, who are understandably upset, but doing well. They tell me that my stepfather is tired but in good spirits, not in pain, and has had some vanilla ice cream. My family have asked me not to come, despite the seriousness of the situation. I understand that they feel me being there would just make things more stressful, but I also hate being so far away. I'm hoping I will get to talk on the phone to my stepdad tomorrow.
According to my sister, last night our oldest stepbrother showed up at the hospital after my mother and sister had left, and dumped thirty years worth of anger on his father. It upset my stepfather and caused him to have chest pain, not surprisingly. When StepBro left, he told the nurses not to contact my mother, as she was "tired" and to funnel all medical information through him instead.
Evidently that has been straightened out: my mother is the medical decision maker with legal power of attorney for her husband. They are trying to see that StepBro is not allowed back into Stepdad's room. Still, I'm furious with him, and there is nothing to do with my fury. I understand being angry and needing to let go of anger, but dumping is not letting go, and raging at a sick old man when he is vulnerable and weak is cowardly and callous.
And of course his meddling is part of why they think my being there would make things worse, because I'd be yet another oldest child with issues underfoot. The Marsha Brady to my stepbro's Greg, in our blended family. I can't help feeling like there is a guilt-by-association situation going on. I told my mom and my sister both that it was important to me that they understand that I am not StepBro. I, too, have reasons to be angry about my childhood, but I have let that anger go. I only have love in my heart for my stepfather. Mom said she passed my words on to Stepdad, and that it really touched him. I hope so. I hope he can feel my love for him.
In other news, I got on new antibiotics for my sinus infection, which are helping but make me dizzy. I have a dentist appointment for Friday at 7 AM, and will just bite the bullet and deal with the cost, as the toothaches are not going away. And I was unable to get an appointment with my immunologist because she is all booked up through December and they don't have a January calendar yet. Which is stupid.
I am going to a church group tonight, because I need to be around people who believe in God more than I do. When I got the news about Stepdad, I raged at God, "Don't you do this to my family! Don't you do this to us!" But I feel so useless, like my prayers for help, my raging, all of it falls on deaf ears. I'm hoping that being around others from church will help me find some faith again.
Special thanks to beachlass, on whose shoulder I cried when I first got the news.
Unfortunately the news about my stepdad is not the best. The angiogram today showed that two of the three major arteries feeding his heart are blocked. The left anterior descending artery is 100% blocked, and right coronary artery is 80% blocked. The third major artery feeding the heart is evidently still open, and his heart muscle is strong and in good shape, but as a result of the severity of the blockages, his doctors feel that the only viable course of action is coronary bypass surgery.
He is at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville, which is a major heart care center. They have a new technology that uses both coronary bypass and angiography to check that the bypass is patent before they even close the incisions. He will have surgery Friday morning, and will be in the hospital until then, and likely for seven days afterwards. They feel that because he is in good general health, he is a good surgical candidate. But this is still major open heart surgery. It's scary.
I've talked to both my mom and my sister, who are understandably upset, but doing well. They tell me that my stepfather is tired but in good spirits, not in pain, and has had some vanilla ice cream. My family have asked me not to come, despite the seriousness of the situation. I understand that they feel me being there would just make things more stressful, but I also hate being so far away. I'm hoping I will get to talk on the phone to my stepdad tomorrow.
According to my sister, last night our oldest stepbrother showed up at the hospital after my mother and sister had left, and dumped thirty years worth of anger on his father. It upset my stepfather and caused him to have chest pain, not surprisingly. When StepBro left, he told the nurses not to contact my mother, as she was "tired" and to funnel all medical information through him instead.
Evidently that has been straightened out: my mother is the medical decision maker with legal power of attorney for her husband. They are trying to see that StepBro is not allowed back into Stepdad's room. Still, I'm furious with him, and there is nothing to do with my fury. I understand being angry and needing to let go of anger, but dumping is not letting go, and raging at a sick old man when he is vulnerable and weak is cowardly and callous.
And of course his meddling is part of why they think my being there would make things worse, because I'd be yet another oldest child with issues underfoot. The Marsha Brady to my stepbro's Greg, in our blended family. I can't help feeling like there is a guilt-by-association situation going on. I told my mom and my sister both that it was important to me that they understand that I am not StepBro. I, too, have reasons to be angry about my childhood, but I have let that anger go. I only have love in my heart for my stepfather. Mom said she passed my words on to Stepdad, and that it really touched him. I hope so. I hope he can feel my love for him.
In other news, I got on new antibiotics for my sinus infection, which are helping but make me dizzy. I have a dentist appointment for Friday at 7 AM, and will just bite the bullet and deal with the cost, as the toothaches are not going away. And I was unable to get an appointment with my immunologist because she is all booked up through December and they don't have a January calendar yet. Which is stupid.
I am going to a church group tonight, because I need to be around people who believe in God more than I do. When I got the news about Stepdad, I raged at God, "Don't you do this to my family! Don't you do this to us!" But I feel so useless, like my prayers for help, my raging, all of it falls on deaf ears. I'm hoping that being around others from church will help me find some faith again.
Special thanks to beachlass, on whose shoulder I cried when I first got the news.