MP: Fear of Pain
I've read that one of the most tyrannizing aspects of pain is the degree to which you fear it. I've never thought of myself as fearing pain until last night. I'd gone to bed quite early, just after 10:30 PM, which for a night owl like me is absurd, and woke up at 2:00 with it hurting like hell. Woke up and lay there and was afraid. I was afraid it was going to get worse. Afraid it wouldn't get under control. Afraid it was going to ruin more days for me. Afraid.
And annoyed with myself for being afraid. It's the one thing I always pride myself on, not letting my illness and disability get the upper hand. I might have to bend to its will every now and again, but I do not let it control me. I don't let it pervert my sense of self. I refuse to. But when it makes me afraid, then it is winning.
I took medicine and eventually went back to sleep. And today it's mostly manageable, but it's not gone. The stupid thing is not gone. It's like an alien presence, the pain. Like a sentient thing that's out to get me. My enemy. And I fear that when I start thinking of it like that, I'm losing control of it. Losing mastery.
I'm seeing the doctor on Monday-the doctor who did my prior surgeries. I'll ask him for a referral to Stanford pain clinic (closer to me than my old pain doc) and to a surgeon who takes Medicare. And hopefully I'll regain my place as master of my own body.
Maybe this is a necessary step, acknowledging that I fear the pain, that I hate the disability. That it terrifies me how completely it can ruin me. Maybe I have to be in fear for, if not my life, at least my ability to enjoy living it, in order to take the steps I need to to try to get it back. But honestly, I really, really wish I didn't have to deal with this at all.
The say adversity builds character. People love to quote Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" at you when you are going through a hard time. Well I have more than enough character, and I'm strong enough, don't you think? Is this really necessary? Not that necessity is any measure of anything. It's life, and I live it as best I can, I guess.
But please, please if there is anything besides random chance in control here, can I please stop hurting so much? I'm begging now. Humiliating myself. Reduced by my fear to childish pleas for mercy. And I think that galls me most of all.
When I was ten or eleven I read Frank Herbert's Dune, in which I found this passage most inspiring: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I need to re-center myself and gain control of my fear.
And annoyed with myself for being afraid. It's the one thing I always pride myself on, not letting my illness and disability get the upper hand. I might have to bend to its will every now and again, but I do not let it control me. I don't let it pervert my sense of self. I refuse to. But when it makes me afraid, then it is winning.
I took medicine and eventually went back to sleep. And today it's mostly manageable, but it's not gone. The stupid thing is not gone. It's like an alien presence, the pain. Like a sentient thing that's out to get me. My enemy. And I fear that when I start thinking of it like that, I'm losing control of it. Losing mastery.
I'm seeing the doctor on Monday-the doctor who did my prior surgeries. I'll ask him for a referral to Stanford pain clinic (closer to me than my old pain doc) and to a surgeon who takes Medicare. And hopefully I'll regain my place as master of my own body.
Maybe this is a necessary step, acknowledging that I fear the pain, that I hate the disability. That it terrifies me how completely it can ruin me. Maybe I have to be in fear for, if not my life, at least my ability to enjoy living it, in order to take the steps I need to to try to get it back. But honestly, I really, really wish I didn't have to deal with this at all.
The say adversity builds character. People love to quote Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" at you when you are going through a hard time. Well I have more than enough character, and I'm strong enough, don't you think? Is this really necessary? Not that necessity is any measure of anything. It's life, and I live it as best I can, I guess.
But please, please if there is anything besides random chance in control here, can I please stop hurting so much? I'm begging now. Humiliating myself. Reduced by my fear to childish pleas for mercy. And I think that galls me most of all.
When I was ten or eleven I read Frank Herbert's Dune, in which I found this passage most inspiring: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I need to re-center myself and gain control of my fear.