He's gone.
What struck me most through all the post flooding my newsfeed on every social media platform is this, just A7X's account posting a picture of Chester and saying nothing more. 8 years ago, they lost their best friend, one of the most talented musicians, and most of all one of the best man in the world. They, of all people, would know this feeling best.
If you know me from 15 years ago, you, one way or another, would know I used to be a die-hard LP fan, when I used to spend all my free time listening to their first two albums, and memorizing the lyrics to every song to the point when I could recite them word by word (and my first, and only original fiction to now, consists of many words from their lyrics I almost felt like I plagiarised them). LP, back then, was my utmost inspiration and more than that, my most intimate friend and confidant when I was the most emotional (teenagers, you know). And while I admired Mike the most for his talents, it's Chester that I adored, it's Chazy Chaz who used to be my idol, who all my feels went to when I learnt of his past and what he went through. I tried to talk to one of my friend once about Chester, and what she said still sticks in my head: "When they become famous, they always try to be exaggerate their past in order to gain sympathy". At that time, I so so wanted to hit her, because what did she know about Chester and how could she downplay someone else's inner war like that? The moment I knew of his death, after the initial shock and numbness, my mind immediately went back to what she said and a part of me just wanted to scream to her face: "So now you know???" But I guess, it doesn't even matter.
What made me bring up A7X is that, when you're asking me now what's my favorite act, I will not hesitate to reply with A7X, and that's what make me differ from the me of 15 years ago, when my response would be Linkin Park. You could say that I outgrew them, but to me, love is all about the timing when the two people could fall in love at the same time, and I'm glad I am not in love with LP anymore. LP is, and forever will be, thee phase, when I was the most isolated and withdrawn into the corner, watching the world go by and feeling so lost I did not know where my place was anymore. LP is, and forever will be, the part of me I'm so happy I could finally forget. The part that, when it gears its ugly head, I will always go back to LP, to say that it's problematic I listen to LP now and to find a way to laugh at my stupid self and say, you're not that girl anymore (somehow, sometimes). But the thing is, I guess Chester was still that man, the one who fought the toughest battle in his life for so many years, the one who we thought was so strong, and the one who, yesterday, chose not to fight anymore. You know, the most absurb thing is that I don't like their new songs at all, I'm so so so glad that they changed, that they tried to be more "uplifting" and lighthearted, because that would mean Chester, somehow, is at peace with himself. I guess I couldn't be more wrong. There were so many thoughts, so many questions of how, and why, but it all came back to the point when I wonder, was he planning for this all along, was he so happy because he knew his days were numbered when he could take the peace he was chasing for so long? But I guess, once again, it doesn't even matter anymore. 'Cause he's gone, 'cause he did what he thought was right, for himself at least, and there is not one single thing we could do about this anymore.
There were so many things I want to say about how I feel for his friends and his family, but in the end, I guess his death, while painful, rings another alarming bell about depression and mental illness, 'cause they're real, and we couldn't know what people are going through inside themselves. Whatever you are feeling, it's valid, and it's never ashamed to ask for help, when you need it the most. Like one of my favorite quote, "Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light" but it will be light, eventually. There was a man out there who was still stuck inside his own Hell, but with all my heart, I hope he would find the light, and finally let go.