Harry Potter Ficlets
I wrote these in reaction to the seventh Harry Potter book, way back when I first read it.
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Firstly, my explanation for why the books suddenly got weird midway through OotP
"Mummy mummy! Let me write a bit, oh mummy please!"
"Certainly, my darling! I'm sure no one will notice since my brilliance is probably genetic!"
Now onto the good stuff (lol)
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PWNED
Snape: WHAT THE CRAP JUST HAPPENED?
Sirius: LOL! You were pwned by snake!! HAHAHA!
Snape: Oh really? Well YOU were "pwned" by curtains!
Sirius: *shuts up*
Remus: Er, did anyone catch how I was "pwned"?
Sirius: Moony? When did you get here? What happened?
Remus: Beats the hell outta me...
James: So Hagrid or Mr Weasley should be arriving any second now....
Fred: *Appears* Uh, hullo, everyone *looks around bewildered*
Sirius: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?!
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Killed by Death
Harry: Does it hurt to die?
Sirius: Nah, it's soft and silky. Tickles a bit. Then it's like going to sleep.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Harry: OOOOOOWWWW THIS DOESN'T TICKLE AT ALL!!!!!
Remus: Nice going, Padfoot.
Sirius: How was I supposed to know that dying properly doesn't feel the same as falling through an arch with a piece of fabric hanging from it?
James: Wait, didn't your cousin...something Trixy or whatever her name was AK you?
Sirius: Only in the movie. Beats me what the f$%c she did in the book.
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[Note: For some reason I assumed ASP was their first kid and that they hadn't already named a kid James Sirius or something. Oh well.]
The Name Game
Sirius, Dumbledore, James, Remus, and Lily look down from Wizard Paradise Afterlife Place and watch as Ginny delivers her child. Everyone above whoops and cheers, all smiles as the baby is pronounced a boy! They lean in to hear the naming discussion...
Ginny: He absolutely has to be named Albus, no question. After everything Dumbledore did for us and the Wizarding world, honoring him through our son seems like the perfect thing to do.
Harry: Definitely, Albus is a great name.
Ginny: And for a middle name we have to go with Severus because he's the only other wise and important person we know.
Harry: *Thought she said "Sirius", but was too busy daydreaming about Hermione and at the same time wondering why his new son is a blond to be paying much attention* I agree, Sirius is exactly right.
Ginny: I said SEVERUS, Harry-pie.
Harry: ...Snape?
Ginny: Severus, yes.
Harry: But....Ok, I know that in the end it turned out that he was a hero and a great man. But he also treated me like dirt for years! As a matter of fact, he treated most students like dirt!
Ginny: He was always nice to Draco! And we know that he was a good guy in the end, so why not give little Al "Severus" as a middle name?
Harry: But...Sirius was my Godfather! My dad's best mate! He was the closest thing I ever had to a father, besides Dumbledore, of course.
Ginny: We already named him Albus, so your father-figure has been given his due. We really should go with Severus, Harry. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
Harry: *sigh* You win, my love. Albus Severus it is. *goes back into the happy revelry new fatherhood and shagging Hermione brings and all is mushy just like the epilogue.*
Meanwhile...
Sirius: ....WHAT?
James: WHAT?
Remus: *blink blink*
Lily: Gah?
Dumbledore: Oh, that is so nice of them *beams down at his namesake*
Snape: *appears* What is going on? Why are you yelling?
Dumbledore: Severus! You're just in time to see Harry and Ginny's son!
Snape: ...Why is he a blond?
Dumbledore: Oh I'm sure his hair will darken either red or black in time. But they named him after me!
Snape: How...nice. *is thinking that is pretty sentimental*
Dumbledore: And his middle name is after you!
James: *to Sirius* Tough luck, mate. I'm sure they'll have another one, though. What with Harry's Oedipus deal and all.
Sirius: *has no words*
Remus: *is starting to find everything inexplicably funny*
Lily: *is too*
Snape: ...So the child's name is...Albus Severus?
Dumbledore: Yes!
Snape: ...It was Weasley's idea, wasn't it?
(and for those wondering why the book says that Albus Severus looks like Harry and has Lily's eyes, well, this is a magical world we're talking about! Ginny charms his eyes and hair until the day she dies *nods* Meanwhile, they don't tell you that Rose and Hugo also have Lily's eyes....)
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Heir
Lucius: Well, my son, you are about to become a father. It is a notable day. You and what's-her-name must be very busy with preparations.
Draco: Yes, father. We are determined to be completely prepared. We have already picked out names.
Lucius: ...Names?
Draco: Yes, we've decided upon Marvolo if it is a boy and Guinevere if it is a girl.
Lucius: ...
Draco: Something wrong, father?
Lucius: I thought I had told you. As you are my only son and the duty of carrying on the line belongs to you, there are certain protocols which must be followed.
Draco: ...Father, I don't think that baptizing the child in muggle blood on the naming day will go over in the present political climate.
Lucius: Oh nothing like that, no! It's just...The child has to be given a mighty name. A name to strike fear into hearts. A name which will let all who hear it know that the child is a wizard of pure blood, of the Malfoy line.
Draco: ...
Lucius: I'll write up a list for you.
Draco: ...Thank you, father.
And would you believe that Scorpius was the LEAST embarrassing name?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Firstly, my explanation for why the books suddenly got weird midway through OotP
"Mummy mummy! Let me write a bit, oh mummy please!"
"Certainly, my darling! I'm sure no one will notice since my brilliance is probably genetic!"
Now onto the good stuff (lol)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
PWNED
Snape: WHAT THE CRAP JUST HAPPENED?
Sirius: LOL! You were pwned by snake!! HAHAHA!
Snape: Oh really? Well YOU were "pwned" by curtains!
Sirius: *shuts up*
Remus: Er, did anyone catch how I was "pwned"?
Sirius: Moony? When did you get here? What happened?
Remus: Beats the hell outta me...
James: So Hagrid or Mr Weasley should be arriving any second now....
Fred: *Appears* Uh, hullo, everyone *looks around bewildered*
Sirius: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Killed by Death
Harry: Does it hurt to die?
Sirius: Nah, it's soft and silky. Tickles a bit. Then it's like going to sleep.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Harry: OOOOOOWWWW THIS DOESN'T TICKLE AT ALL!!!!!
Remus: Nice going, Padfoot.
Sirius: How was I supposed to know that dying properly doesn't feel the same as falling through an arch with a piece of fabric hanging from it?
James: Wait, didn't your cousin...something Trixy or whatever her name was AK you?
Sirius: Only in the movie. Beats me what the f$%c she did in the book.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: For some reason I assumed ASP was their first kid and that they hadn't already named a kid James Sirius or something. Oh well.]
The Name Game
Sirius, Dumbledore, James, Remus, and Lily look down from Wizard Paradise Afterlife Place and watch as Ginny delivers her child. Everyone above whoops and cheers, all smiles as the baby is pronounced a boy! They lean in to hear the naming discussion...
Ginny: He absolutely has to be named Albus, no question. After everything Dumbledore did for us and the Wizarding world, honoring him through our son seems like the perfect thing to do.
Harry: Definitely, Albus is a great name.
Ginny: And for a middle name we have to go with Severus because he's the only other wise and important person we know.
Harry: *Thought she said "Sirius", but was too busy daydreaming about Hermione and at the same time wondering why his new son is a blond to be paying much attention* I agree, Sirius is exactly right.
Ginny: I said SEVERUS, Harry-pie.
Harry: ...Snape?
Ginny: Severus, yes.
Harry: But....Ok, I know that in the end it turned out that he was a hero and a great man. But he also treated me like dirt for years! As a matter of fact, he treated most students like dirt!
Ginny: He was always nice to Draco! And we know that he was a good guy in the end, so why not give little Al "Severus" as a middle name?
Harry: But...Sirius was my Godfather! My dad's best mate! He was the closest thing I ever had to a father, besides Dumbledore, of course.
Ginny: We already named him Albus, so your father-figure has been given his due. We really should go with Severus, Harry. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
Harry: *sigh* You win, my love. Albus Severus it is. *goes back into the happy revelry new fatherhood and shagging Hermione brings and all is mushy just like the epilogue.*
Meanwhile...
Sirius: ....WHAT?
James: WHAT?
Remus: *blink blink*
Lily: Gah?
Dumbledore: Oh, that is so nice of them *beams down at his namesake*
Snape: *appears* What is going on? Why are you yelling?
Dumbledore: Severus! You're just in time to see Harry and Ginny's son!
Snape: ...Why is he a blond?
Dumbledore: Oh I'm sure his hair will darken either red or black in time. But they named him after me!
Snape: How...nice. *is thinking that is pretty sentimental*
Dumbledore: And his middle name is after you!
James: *to Sirius* Tough luck, mate. I'm sure they'll have another one, though. What with Harry's Oedipus deal and all.
Sirius: *has no words*
Remus: *is starting to find everything inexplicably funny*
Lily: *is too*
Snape: ...So the child's name is...Albus Severus?
Dumbledore: Yes!
Snape: ...It was Weasley's idea, wasn't it?
(and for those wondering why the book says that Albus Severus looks like Harry and has Lily's eyes, well, this is a magical world we're talking about! Ginny charms his eyes and hair until the day she dies *nods* Meanwhile, they don't tell you that Rose and Hugo also have Lily's eyes....)
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Heir
Lucius: Well, my son, you are about to become a father. It is a notable day. You and what's-her-name must be very busy with preparations.
Draco: Yes, father. We are determined to be completely prepared. We have already picked out names.
Lucius: ...Names?
Draco: Yes, we've decided upon Marvolo if it is a boy and Guinevere if it is a girl.
Lucius: ...
Draco: Something wrong, father?
Lucius: I thought I had told you. As you are my only son and the duty of carrying on the line belongs to you, there are certain protocols which must be followed.
Draco: ...Father, I don't think that baptizing the child in muggle blood on the naming day will go over in the present political climate.
Lucius: Oh nothing like that, no! It's just...The child has to be given a mighty name. A name to strike fear into hearts. A name which will let all who hear it know that the child is a wizard of pure blood, of the Malfoy line.
Draco: ...
Lucius: I'll write up a list for you.
Draco: ...Thank you, father.
And would you believe that Scorpius was the LEAST embarrassing name?