(no subject)
It's a strange thing, spending 2 months in a state of social isolation. It's like a sudden realization that all the nuance and subtlety you never even realized in any real way before vanishes from your life so discreetly as to not even be noticed. Then, in a sudden rush you figure it out. Poof! You come to feel as though you can't really communicate anything at all worth communicating, so you just give up. You tell yourself, "well it's fine, it's really not a big deal. I'll just keep it to myself," because after all, you can't bare to try yet again to say something meaningful to a sea of blank confused expressions; dancing around explaining each and every word until they know their meaning as well as you do, only to watch them return once again with blank confused expressions when you say the sentence again. After a while you limit yourself to saying just simple things. "This is good. I like that. It's not important. I think so..." So you sit there surrounded by people clucking away merrily feeling, perhaps for the first time in your life, socially invisible. You sit there during dinner not bothering to speak--it would be wasted on your audience anyway--and carrying on in your head whatever little thing you can mentally occupy yourself with while you sit there, hour after hour after hour, until you realize with astonishment that you're drunk (for lack of anything else to do but drink wine in copious amounts), have been sitting watching people engage in lively discussions about this or that (understanding about 20% of what's said and nowhere near enough to keep your attention), and idly thinking how ironic it is that you can spend months surrounded by people yet actually communicating with no one. I have never been so dull, uninteresting, and unfunny, or so it has seemed, as I have for nearly 2 months. I feel completely wasted. There is so much more to me than just being the american guy who's living in Morgane's room, but for nearly 2 months that's all I've really been, with no more depth than that.
It's just been a long time since I've felt like more than just some sort of unique american artifact inexplicably present. I was actually a bit shocked today that someone actually touched me in an affectionate way. Morgan's cousin/sister person leaned her head on me in the car while we were all traveling around today. I felt like a bit more than a human artifact for once and it was great. And then they gave her the huge jar of nutella that they had finally purchased after 3 weeks, and she took it along with her when she left. Suddenly the sadness all returned in a rush. I really really needed that nutella. Now I'm empty, socially isolated, and have nothing to put on my brioche.
It's just been a long time since I've felt like more than just some sort of unique american artifact inexplicably present. I was actually a bit shocked today that someone actually touched me in an affectionate way. Morgan's cousin/sister person leaned her head on me in the car while we were all traveling around today. I felt like a bit more than a human artifact for once and it was great. And then they gave her the huge jar of nutella that they had finally purchased after 3 weeks, and she took it along with her when she left. Suddenly the sadness all returned in a rush. I really really needed that nutella. Now I'm empty, socially isolated, and have nothing to put on my brioche.