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parallel seven: in retrospect it seems like a huge joke. i can never remember a time i wasnt depressed. most of the time i trick myself into being healthy for the time being until the time being passes into memory and i realize how fucked up i was. that is how i survive.
edit: i just reread that, and it sounds like im really upset. im not. im actually in a fairly good place. i think its not that im always depressed, but its always there, and im always fighting it. im successful most of the time (the past few years anyway). anyway.
more of that conversation:
parallel seven:i mean i am happy sometimes, but i guess im always fighting depression. i dont know if im always depressed, but im always pushing it away.
Idioteque7342: ive been researching it. experimenting on myself. cause no one seems to look at it the way i do. what you are saying is the closest to understanding any one ive known has come.
parallel seven: i think its pretty true.
Idioteque7342: i tried for a while to attribute it to sartre's anguish. and i assumed you might too. but hes far too hopeful. if he knows what hes talking about then hes fooling himself too
parallel seven: whats his argument?
Idioteque7342: nothingness. at the bottom of everything is nothing. and we have to create the world we experience. and he says the realization of the nothing comes with anguish.
Idioteque7342: when i read that i think about how i came to realize how useless everything was and how much anguish it put me through
parallel seven: that makes sense. maybe its not a disease, but just realizing that i am not doing anything substantial, and most of my time is spent in a haze.
Idioteque7342: but the fact that depression just rises up and attacks. and medecine is just treatment, no cure. what the fuck you know?
Idioteque7342:but then i also believe that madness could be the means to the END of man (literal) and the creation of something newer, better. and since melancholy is a sort of madness, then i got my ticket and maybe i should take the ride
parallel seven:depression to me is more like being tired, lazy, not doing anything, not excited about anything. its like an overall discontentment with the value of every day. after living the thousands of days a person does, there are a handful of days that i would remember or 'count'. like today i went to class, went in the sauna, came home, wrote some papers, talked to some friends, got online, and read a book. that is depression to me. shit is nothing. irrelevant. worthless. that sounds like nothingness. i call it depression once it reaches my consciousness, once i realize that it is nothingness.
edit: i just reread that, and it sounds like im really upset. im not. im actually in a fairly good place. i think its not that im always depressed, but its always there, and im always fighting it. im successful most of the time (the past few years anyway). anyway.
more of that conversation:
parallel seven:i mean i am happy sometimes, but i guess im always fighting depression. i dont know if im always depressed, but im always pushing it away.
Idioteque7342: ive been researching it. experimenting on myself. cause no one seems to look at it the way i do. what you are saying is the closest to understanding any one ive known has come.
parallel seven: i think its pretty true.
Idioteque7342: i tried for a while to attribute it to sartre's anguish. and i assumed you might too. but hes far too hopeful. if he knows what hes talking about then hes fooling himself too
parallel seven: whats his argument?
Idioteque7342: nothingness. at the bottom of everything is nothing. and we have to create the world we experience. and he says the realization of the nothing comes with anguish.
Idioteque7342: when i read that i think about how i came to realize how useless everything was and how much anguish it put me through
parallel seven: that makes sense. maybe its not a disease, but just realizing that i am not doing anything substantial, and most of my time is spent in a haze.
Idioteque7342: but the fact that depression just rises up and attacks. and medecine is just treatment, no cure. what the fuck you know?
Idioteque7342:but then i also believe that madness could be the means to the END of man (literal) and the creation of something newer, better. and since melancholy is a sort of madness, then i got my ticket and maybe i should take the ride
parallel seven:depression to me is more like being tired, lazy, not doing anything, not excited about anything. its like an overall discontentment with the value of every day. after living the thousands of days a person does, there are a handful of days that i would remember or 'count'. like today i went to class, went in the sauna, came home, wrote some papers, talked to some friends, got online, and read a book. that is depression to me. shit is nothing. irrelevant. worthless. that sounds like nothingness. i call it depression once it reaches my consciousness, once i realize that it is nothingness.