Rape culture 2.0
Got into a bit of an argument last night with someone over the rape culture post I made yesterday. He said that the way I wrote it painted myself as a victim. That explaining how I was affected by what happened and how I reacted to it somehow continues a victim mindset and that, as long as any victim entertains that mindset, the culture would continue. I asked if I should have lied about it and painted myself to be some kind of bad ass ninja who is unaffected by her attack and he said that I should because some people prey on victims because they perceive them to be weak. That I should be focusing on painting myself as a survivor, and not a victim because the way that I expressed myself is doing more harm than good.
I don't agree with this. At all.
To start with, I can't paint myself as a survivor because I'm not one. I didn't come out of that intact. The core of me didn't survive. I came out of it irrevocably damaged. I have a very hard time trusting men, even men that I know and love. I don't even trust Rich, fully. I am constantly aware of how much bigger and stronger than me he is. Of how he could hurt me at any time. I know that he never would--hell the guy still feels awful for accidentally giving me a punch buggy too hard one day and is overly aware of the faces or noises I make during sex for fear that he's hurting me. It's often up to me to instigate sexual activities because he doesn't want me to feel pressured (something that actually drives me a little nuts, cos I feel like I'm pressuring him sometimes, to tell the truth). If I say no or even look like I don't want to do something, he stops instantly. When we first started dating we made out for a good five hours straight and he didn't even try to put his hand up my shirt without my permission. He's a good person and respects women and would never do anything like what happened to me, but I still don't fully trust him not to. I blank out if I'm in the wrong headspace and he, or anyone, touches me. As much as I really like the way I look with really short hair, I tend to keep it that short because I'm still uncomfortable presenting myself in a traditionally feminine manner due to how it was used against me. Having it long tends to make me very anxious (though this may be something I have gotten past due to not having those issues now that I'm growing it out again. However, I know that this is a temporary situation since I'm only growing it out to donate, so who knows).
[Stupid computer froze and I lost half this entry. Rawr.]
I did not come out of this unscathed. I did not come out of it a stronger person. I came out of it damaged and I don't think that is a bad thing to put out into the world, especially in light of how the media has dealt with the Steubenville case, focusing on how the rapists' lives are now ruined and what they will have to deal with, without a mention of Jane Doe and what she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. How would acting like I'm unaffected help anything? How would it convince people to look at this girl and understand her as a human being and not just a nameless, blurred out face from a camera phone? Yes, some people may read it and think "look at her, she deserved it for not fighting back in the manner I find appropriate and for being so bothered after all these years. What a weakling." However others, who have assaulted women without even realizing what they did was assault could read it and think "oh shit I fucked up". There have been studies done that show that men will admit to rape and sexual assault if the questions they are answering don't put it in those exact terms. If they're simply asked if they've ever pressured anyone into having sex or if they've done things to a woman who was unconscious, or to a woman who said no but didn't physically struggle. There was a man I saw in response to the Steubenville case who admitted to raping numerous girls and women when he was in highschool and college because they were passed out and "that's just what happens" and "they shouldn't have drank if they didn't want that to happen to them". There are countless men out there who don't understand that what they've done is wrong because no one ever put it into their face that it was. They don't realize how it affected the women they assaulted because they've never had it put in their face that it did. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but maybe it would.
He said that, at least publicly, I should lie about how it's affected me. That I should put up a strong front and emphasize how angry I am and how much of a fighter I am, but what would that do? How would that humanize me? In my mind, that would make them just shrug their shoulders and say "well it must not be that big of a deal since there wasn't any lasting damage". Am I angry? Fuck yeah I'm angry. I'm pissed that this happened to me and I'm pissed that someone was able to take that much of myself and change me in such a permanent way. I'd like to take a time machine and punch him in the face, but that wouldn't change anything. People like to say that others only affect you if you let them, but that's not the case. Logic and emotion are two different things. You can't apply one to the other. I logically know that nothing that happened was my fault. I logically know that I didn't in any way ask for it and protested and told him no and he should have listened. I know that the blame falls on him. But emotionally? I can't help my anxieties, as much as I try. I can't force myself to trust people, as much as I want to. I didn't ask for this and I'm not allowing it to affect me, it just is. Because the damage has been done. You don't ask your skin to scar ones it's been cut, it's just something that happens. You can rub all the cocoa butter on it that you want, and you can pay for plastic surgery to cover it up, but that scar tissue is still scar tissue and it always will be. Saying that I should change the way I presented all of this is still putting the onus on the victim to change their behaviour, but not on the victimizer to change theirs.
And bringing these issues to light gives a voice to the numerous women out there who are just like me. If this happened to you and all that you heard was how unaffected other women are by their assaults and how much stronger they are now and how much they fought back and how much they are trying to bring the guy to justice, how would that make you feel? If you were like me and there was no evidence so there was no way to bring it to the police. If you don't feel stronger for it, if you have flashbacks and anxiety and it hurts to look yourself in the eye in the mirror some days. How would it make you feel to have everything out there presented to you tell you basically that what you're feeling is wrong and weak and it makes you a victim. Women need to hear the reality of things just as much as men do. In all of the social media responses I read, men weren't the only ones blaming Jane Doe for what happened to her--other women were as well. I'd hazard to say that a majority were women. We tend to put up a front of strength and 'other' people who 'make themselves victims'. If she's a drunken slut who let guys take advantage of her, but I'm a nice, classy girl who would never do that, then I'm safe. If she's a hoochy wearing a short skirt, but I'm feminine and modest, it can't happen to me. Except that it can happen to you. And, considering the stats are, what, one in three, now? Chances are it will happen to you. And however it affects you and however you feel about it afterwards and whatever you decide to do when it comes to whether or not to prosecute is okay. Women need to hear that. Hell, anyone who has been through a traumatic experience needs to hear that, whether it's sexual assault, or a death, or fighting a war, or being in a car accident--however you feel afterwards and however you deal with it (within healthy reason) is okay. If a woman is honestly unaffected or, hell, if she just wants to pose to the world that she is totally cool and a badass ninja now, good for her! She deserves to present herself that way. Whatever makes her feel better and deal with it. But not everyone is like that, and those people need a voice, too.
What really bothers me is that he started his objection out saying that he didn't blame me for what happened or how others reacted to it, but that I should have done things differently. I shouldn't have pulled my punch--I should have cold clocked him and stomped on his balls. I shouldn't have worried about reputations and stayed silent, I should have outted him. But even saying that I should have done things differently is still blaming me, still saying that I'm wrong and enforcing the idea that, if I had acted differently, maybe it wouldn't have happened the way it did. I did what I did, partially out of socialization, but partially to protect myself. What if I had really hit him? What if I gave him a black eye? Maybe he would have gotten the picture and stopped, sure, but maybe he would have gotten angry and escalated the attack--something that he started to do before the others showed up because even my halfassed little pathetic punch pissed him off. What if he brought me up on assault charges? Sure it was self defense and sure I could have counter charged, but who had the power in that situation? Who had the evidence? Not me. All there would be is his word against mine and he's the one with the bruises and I'm the one who let him in the house. I would be the one convicted, not him.
If I outted him to the musical community? How many of them would have taken my side? How many of them would have believed me? He was a well respected member of that group. Before he and I started casually seeing each other, I had tons of people vouch for how great of a guy he was. There is no way I would have won in the court of public approval and then my little hobby career--something that meant so much to me and made me so happy would be gone. Why should I have given up one of the few things that made me happy and have my name dragged through the mud, for what? It would hardly be revenge or justice if the public opinion was on his side, which I knew it would be just from the few people I spoke to. I had more to lose than I had to gain from outting him.
Even using a fake name in the last entry was more to protect myself than him. Yes, it's been eight years and I don't even remember his last name (if I ever knew it) to really identify him, but, like I said, very unique first name. A quick google gives 17 linkedin profiles for the Orlando area. To compare, the name David has 155. I don't know who this guy is now--he could still be a pothead wannabe musician, or he could be some high up record executive. But I'd rather not take the chance of him googling his name and coming up with my entry, as low of a probability as that would be. It just isn't something that I want to happen.
All of this person's protests and arguments really upset me, to the point that I had a hard time sleeping last night, wondering how they now see me. Am I a weak victim to them, now that they know exactly what happened and how I feel? Do they see my efforts to do good and be a vocal opposition as part of the problem, simply because of the way I chose to present myself? As much as they say that they're not blaming me, do they think that I still somehow brought it upon myself due to not fighting back as hard as they would have liked me to? It was very, very hard for me to write that entry--took me two hours, actually, because I had to stop several times to collect my thoughts and calm myself down. It was especially hard knowing that person would read it and that they would know everything. And their reaction didn't calm me, any. It didn't reassure any of my fears. If anything it made them worse and I really don't know how I can look them in the eye, now, because I feel ashamed of my own illogical reactions and the idea that they see my words as weakness.
The entire point of making the previous post was to talk about how rape culture affects everyone. It affects how victims of sexual assault react to their attack. It affects whether or not the attacker knows they did anything wrong. It affects how others perceive the attack. It affects how the media reports it. It affects how it is prosecuted. It affects how the attacker is seen as opposed to their victim. My reactions are and were just as much because of the socialization of the society I live in as the reactions to those I told were. Saying that I should be presenting myself as a badass unaffected survivor instead of the traumatised victim that I am is just as much a part of rape culture as saying that I deserved it for letting him in the house. Saying that I didn't react the 'right' way is just as much a part of rape culture as saying that I led him on. All this person did was demonstrate the exact point I was trying to make. And that makes me sad.
I don't agree with this. At all.
To start with, I can't paint myself as a survivor because I'm not one. I didn't come out of that intact. The core of me didn't survive. I came out of it irrevocably damaged. I have a very hard time trusting men, even men that I know and love. I don't even trust Rich, fully. I am constantly aware of how much bigger and stronger than me he is. Of how he could hurt me at any time. I know that he never would--hell the guy still feels awful for accidentally giving me a punch buggy too hard one day and is overly aware of the faces or noises I make during sex for fear that he's hurting me. It's often up to me to instigate sexual activities because he doesn't want me to feel pressured (something that actually drives me a little nuts, cos I feel like I'm pressuring him sometimes, to tell the truth). If I say no or even look like I don't want to do something, he stops instantly. When we first started dating we made out for a good five hours straight and he didn't even try to put his hand up my shirt without my permission. He's a good person and respects women and would never do anything like what happened to me, but I still don't fully trust him not to. I blank out if I'm in the wrong headspace and he, or anyone, touches me. As much as I really like the way I look with really short hair, I tend to keep it that short because I'm still uncomfortable presenting myself in a traditionally feminine manner due to how it was used against me. Having it long tends to make me very anxious (though this may be something I have gotten past due to not having those issues now that I'm growing it out again. However, I know that this is a temporary situation since I'm only growing it out to donate, so who knows).
[Stupid computer froze and I lost half this entry. Rawr.]
I did not come out of this unscathed. I did not come out of it a stronger person. I came out of it damaged and I don't think that is a bad thing to put out into the world, especially in light of how the media has dealt with the Steubenville case, focusing on how the rapists' lives are now ruined and what they will have to deal with, without a mention of Jane Doe and what she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. How would acting like I'm unaffected help anything? How would it convince people to look at this girl and understand her as a human being and not just a nameless, blurred out face from a camera phone? Yes, some people may read it and think "look at her, she deserved it for not fighting back in the manner I find appropriate and for being so bothered after all these years. What a weakling." However others, who have assaulted women without even realizing what they did was assault could read it and think "oh shit I fucked up". There have been studies done that show that men will admit to rape and sexual assault if the questions they are answering don't put it in those exact terms. If they're simply asked if they've ever pressured anyone into having sex or if they've done things to a woman who was unconscious, or to a woman who said no but didn't physically struggle. There was a man I saw in response to the Steubenville case who admitted to raping numerous girls and women when he was in highschool and college because they were passed out and "that's just what happens" and "they shouldn't have drank if they didn't want that to happen to them". There are countless men out there who don't understand that what they've done is wrong because no one ever put it into their face that it was. They don't realize how it affected the women they assaulted because they've never had it put in their face that it did. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but maybe it would.
He said that, at least publicly, I should lie about how it's affected me. That I should put up a strong front and emphasize how angry I am and how much of a fighter I am, but what would that do? How would that humanize me? In my mind, that would make them just shrug their shoulders and say "well it must not be that big of a deal since there wasn't any lasting damage". Am I angry? Fuck yeah I'm angry. I'm pissed that this happened to me and I'm pissed that someone was able to take that much of myself and change me in such a permanent way. I'd like to take a time machine and punch him in the face, but that wouldn't change anything. People like to say that others only affect you if you let them, but that's not the case. Logic and emotion are two different things. You can't apply one to the other. I logically know that nothing that happened was my fault. I logically know that I didn't in any way ask for it and protested and told him no and he should have listened. I know that the blame falls on him. But emotionally? I can't help my anxieties, as much as I try. I can't force myself to trust people, as much as I want to. I didn't ask for this and I'm not allowing it to affect me, it just is. Because the damage has been done. You don't ask your skin to scar ones it's been cut, it's just something that happens. You can rub all the cocoa butter on it that you want, and you can pay for plastic surgery to cover it up, but that scar tissue is still scar tissue and it always will be. Saying that I should change the way I presented all of this is still putting the onus on the victim to change their behaviour, but not on the victimizer to change theirs.
And bringing these issues to light gives a voice to the numerous women out there who are just like me. If this happened to you and all that you heard was how unaffected other women are by their assaults and how much stronger they are now and how much they fought back and how much they are trying to bring the guy to justice, how would that make you feel? If you were like me and there was no evidence so there was no way to bring it to the police. If you don't feel stronger for it, if you have flashbacks and anxiety and it hurts to look yourself in the eye in the mirror some days. How would it make you feel to have everything out there presented to you tell you basically that what you're feeling is wrong and weak and it makes you a victim. Women need to hear the reality of things just as much as men do. In all of the social media responses I read, men weren't the only ones blaming Jane Doe for what happened to her--other women were as well. I'd hazard to say that a majority were women. We tend to put up a front of strength and 'other' people who 'make themselves victims'. If she's a drunken slut who let guys take advantage of her, but I'm a nice, classy girl who would never do that, then I'm safe. If she's a hoochy wearing a short skirt, but I'm feminine and modest, it can't happen to me. Except that it can happen to you. And, considering the stats are, what, one in three, now? Chances are it will happen to you. And however it affects you and however you feel about it afterwards and whatever you decide to do when it comes to whether or not to prosecute is okay. Women need to hear that. Hell, anyone who has been through a traumatic experience needs to hear that, whether it's sexual assault, or a death, or fighting a war, or being in a car accident--however you feel afterwards and however you deal with it (within healthy reason) is okay. If a woman is honestly unaffected or, hell, if she just wants to pose to the world that she is totally cool and a badass ninja now, good for her! She deserves to present herself that way. Whatever makes her feel better and deal with it. But not everyone is like that, and those people need a voice, too.
What really bothers me is that he started his objection out saying that he didn't blame me for what happened or how others reacted to it, but that I should have done things differently. I shouldn't have pulled my punch--I should have cold clocked him and stomped on his balls. I shouldn't have worried about reputations and stayed silent, I should have outted him. But even saying that I should have done things differently is still blaming me, still saying that I'm wrong and enforcing the idea that, if I had acted differently, maybe it wouldn't have happened the way it did. I did what I did, partially out of socialization, but partially to protect myself. What if I had really hit him? What if I gave him a black eye? Maybe he would have gotten the picture and stopped, sure, but maybe he would have gotten angry and escalated the attack--something that he started to do before the others showed up because even my halfassed little pathetic punch pissed him off. What if he brought me up on assault charges? Sure it was self defense and sure I could have counter charged, but who had the power in that situation? Who had the evidence? Not me. All there would be is his word against mine and he's the one with the bruises and I'm the one who let him in the house. I would be the one convicted, not him.
If I outted him to the musical community? How many of them would have taken my side? How many of them would have believed me? He was a well respected member of that group. Before he and I started casually seeing each other, I had tons of people vouch for how great of a guy he was. There is no way I would have won in the court of public approval and then my little hobby career--something that meant so much to me and made me so happy would be gone. Why should I have given up one of the few things that made me happy and have my name dragged through the mud, for what? It would hardly be revenge or justice if the public opinion was on his side, which I knew it would be just from the few people I spoke to. I had more to lose than I had to gain from outting him.
Even using a fake name in the last entry was more to protect myself than him. Yes, it's been eight years and I don't even remember his last name (if I ever knew it) to really identify him, but, like I said, very unique first name. A quick google gives 17 linkedin profiles for the Orlando area. To compare, the name David has 155. I don't know who this guy is now--he could still be a pothead wannabe musician, or he could be some high up record executive. But I'd rather not take the chance of him googling his name and coming up with my entry, as low of a probability as that would be. It just isn't something that I want to happen.
All of this person's protests and arguments really upset me, to the point that I had a hard time sleeping last night, wondering how they now see me. Am I a weak victim to them, now that they know exactly what happened and how I feel? Do they see my efforts to do good and be a vocal opposition as part of the problem, simply because of the way I chose to present myself? As much as they say that they're not blaming me, do they think that I still somehow brought it upon myself due to not fighting back as hard as they would have liked me to? It was very, very hard for me to write that entry--took me two hours, actually, because I had to stop several times to collect my thoughts and calm myself down. It was especially hard knowing that person would read it and that they would know everything. And their reaction didn't calm me, any. It didn't reassure any of my fears. If anything it made them worse and I really don't know how I can look them in the eye, now, because I feel ashamed of my own illogical reactions and the idea that they see my words as weakness.
The entire point of making the previous post was to talk about how rape culture affects everyone. It affects how victims of sexual assault react to their attack. It affects whether or not the attacker knows they did anything wrong. It affects how others perceive the attack. It affects how the media reports it. It affects how it is prosecuted. It affects how the attacker is seen as opposed to their victim. My reactions are and were just as much because of the socialization of the society I live in as the reactions to those I told were. Saying that I should be presenting myself as a badass unaffected survivor instead of the traumatised victim that I am is just as much a part of rape culture as saying that I deserved it for letting him in the house. Saying that I didn't react the 'right' way is just as much a part of rape culture as saying that I led him on. All this person did was demonstrate the exact point I was trying to make. And that makes me sad.