(no subject)
Spoke with uncle before.
Uncle also confirmed that we're buckling down to clean out the house so we can sell it. (This process has been going on since my grandma died, so a couple of years.) I cleaned out most of what I still had in the house - books, really - during winter break, so there's not much else for me to do (except for the few that I forgot). But, fuck, it's depressing. I mean, I grew up in this house, and, my mother did as well. (It's my grandparents' house, so my mother, aunt, and uncle grew up there and attended LHS and all that stuff, and then mother moved to Colonia, but then when my dad died she moved back in with my grandparents' who were living in the same house as before... it was supposed to be a temporary thing, until she could find another place for us, but it never happened.)
It's just.... so much is going on. I don't have the energy and the concentration and the strength and the mental space to keep up - obviously I have my current academics, there's figuring out what to do for next year (applying to CCP and figuring out housing), and then keeping my own mental state in check and not doing anything I will regret, and trying not to think about That Of Which I Shall Not Speak, and now making sure my mother is ok and not freaking out about it and trying to figure out house-selling stuff and y'know if I were staying at this school I would just take this semester off... but alas.
Why can't life have a "pause" button? Or a "reset," "start over," whatever?
In other, happier news, I've been reading The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco (recommended by shinjokitty and seconded by Michelle) and it's really great, I'm enjoying it very much. He's like.... the 14th century Sherlock Holmes, now with moar Jesus. XD (No, there's more to it than that, obviously, but still I'm amused. It's a fantastic book.)
- There are three tumors, total. He told me the locations and he sounded kinda wonky when he told me, it was different from the doctor's explanation, so I'll just figure it out when I go home.
- Mother's starting oral chemotherapy, to kind of prepare her for radiation, which... I don't know when she's starting. Sometime this week, I think?
- They found a live-in nurse to be there 24/7. Nice lady named Dana (pronounced Donna, though) from Lithuania. I know this is going to turn out badly, given my mom's prejudices, but I can hope for the best, I suppose? According to uncle, she loves cleaning and is a fantastic cook, and mother will enjoy that. *shrug*
- She's sleeping in my bedroom, though, lol. (There are two beds in my bedroom, that once belonged to my mother and my aunt - my aunt's bed is what I sleep in, and Dana is sleeping in my mother's.) Aha awkward. Considering just sleeping on the couch?
- Mother sounded completely drained of any energy on the phone. Barely spoke, wasn't responding completely well - meds and lack of exercise, I suppose? I'm trying not to get all OCD about it and remind myself that I have no idea what she's going through and what she feels like right now...
- Uncle told me the stage of the tumor, finally. Apparently gliomas aren't classified as glioblastomas until Grade IV? That would've been helpful info.... well, at any rate, it's a horrible prognosis. Given my mother's age and general health (not fit, etc), I'm not hoping for much.
- Uncle confirmed that, yeah, she's having pretty bad short-term memory problems. (She's been consistently calling me the wrong name with no indication she realizes she's messing up.) Terrified to go home, now, if she's not going to recognize me/remember I transitioned/etc.
Uncle also confirmed that we're buckling down to clean out the house so we can sell it. (This process has been going on since my grandma died, so a couple of years.) I cleaned out most of what I still had in the house - books, really - during winter break, so there's not much else for me to do (except for the few that I forgot). But, fuck, it's depressing. I mean, I grew up in this house, and, my mother did as well. (It's my grandparents' house, so my mother, aunt, and uncle grew up there and attended LHS and all that stuff, and then mother moved to Colonia, but then when my dad died she moved back in with my grandparents' who were living in the same house as before... it was supposed to be a temporary thing, until she could find another place for us, but it never happened.)
It's just.... so much is going on. I don't have the energy and the concentration and the strength and the mental space to keep up - obviously I have my current academics, there's figuring out what to do for next year (applying to CCP and figuring out housing), and then keeping my own mental state in check and not doing anything I will regret, and trying not to think about That Of Which I Shall Not Speak, and now making sure my mother is ok and not freaking out about it and trying to figure out house-selling stuff and y'know if I were staying at this school I would just take this semester off... but alas.
Why can't life have a "pause" button? Or a "reset," "start over," whatever?
In other, happier news, I've been reading The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco (recommended by shinjokitty and seconded by Michelle) and it's really great, I'm enjoying it very much. He's like.... the 14th century Sherlock Holmes, now with moar Jesus. XD (No, there's more to it than that, obviously, but still I'm amused. It's a fantastic book.)