Situation with Mother
Good things today:
And I totally get that everyone has the best intentions and I appreciate that, but...... ugh gah. Especially considering the habits I've had to break myself for excessive apologizing - what are you apologizing for? Is it your fault? No? Then don't apologize! If I'm not allowed to apologize for things that I actually do, you're not allowed to apologize for things you've had no effect on.
(No, I realize why I'm not allowed to apologize for stuff like that, but you see my point?)
Plus the fact that... I'm so conflicted. In that someone's health does not change my opinion of someone, so I don't suddenly genuinely love my mother, and I've definitely had thoughts on this subject before, about the (dare I say it) advantages of my mother's death. But the part of me that's biologically connected to her is really sad, plus the fact that I really don't want to deal with another death, especially so soon after my grandma's (which was incredibly sudden and I still haven't completely gotten over).
Plus plus some of the things people have said to accompany the apologizing, such as asking if I need anything (some people, like very close friends, I really appreciate and might use that, but what am I gonna ask from people who haven't spoken to me in a while?) and actually saying "hoping for a speedy recovery!" (it's cancer. There is no recovery. There is remission, yes, but at my mother's age, I highly doubt it.)
I totally get that there's really no other socially acceptable alternative, and you want to say something, but.... I don't know. I guess I wrote this up to let you all know that, er, I might not react as one would expect, and might get grumpy? I don't know.
Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit being trans (specifically, my name and pronouns) into the situation. Often she will call me by the wrong name when she's angry and speaking really quickly and not thinking, but today she messed up while speaking neutrally... When I called her Tuesday night after the biopsy, she sounded extremely out of it, repeating herself and mixing up words and sounding like one would expect after having a bit of brain taken out of you.
I'm not sure how long that will last? And if it's worth it to keep correcting her if she's going to keep on forgetting for legit medical reasons? And, even, if it'll make her happier or more peaceful or whatever if I just let her call me whatever the hell she wants to, for however long she'll still be alive.
And then - oh god - the eventual funeral. I did go to my grandma's funeral in a suit, but that was more "butch" than "masculine," and obviously my voice (or name) hadn't changed yet...
To do tomorrow:
BTW, here is the quotation I am going to put on the card of the flowers:
"Flowers grow out of dark moments.Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed." - Corita Kent
And, to consider:
- An amazing evening out to dinner with bayoumaharajah, cakeandqpm1138, Relle, Michelle, and Hillary. SO MANY FOODGASMS OH
- Pretty awesome taxi driver, too!
- Some really great, important Plenary resolutions were passed, such as extending Health Center hours when there are big parties...
- FOODGASMS
- I got to do another Reveal :) (I do really enjoy being in other people's reveals, because of how happy it makes them.)
- PLENARY. IT WAS SIX HOURS. (11am-5:15pm)
- Surprise butt secks brain cancor!
And I totally get that everyone has the best intentions and I appreciate that, but...... ugh gah. Especially considering the habits I've had to break myself for excessive apologizing - what are you apologizing for? Is it your fault? No? Then don't apologize! If I'm not allowed to apologize for things that I actually do, you're not allowed to apologize for things you've had no effect on.
(No, I realize why I'm not allowed to apologize for stuff like that, but you see my point?)
Plus the fact that... I'm so conflicted. In that someone's health does not change my opinion of someone, so I don't suddenly genuinely love my mother, and I've definitely had thoughts on this subject before, about the (dare I say it) advantages of my mother's death. But the part of me that's biologically connected to her is really sad, plus the fact that I really don't want to deal with another death, especially so soon after my grandma's (which was incredibly sudden and I still haven't completely gotten over).
Plus plus some of the things people have said to accompany the apologizing, such as asking if I need anything (some people, like very close friends, I really appreciate and might use that, but what am I gonna ask from people who haven't spoken to me in a while?) and actually saying "hoping for a speedy recovery!" (it's cancer. There is no recovery. There is remission, yes, but at my mother's age, I highly doubt it.)
I totally get that there's really no other socially acceptable alternative, and you want to say something, but.... I don't know. I guess I wrote this up to let you all know that, er, I might not react as one would expect, and might get grumpy? I don't know.
Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit being trans (specifically, my name and pronouns) into the situation. Often she will call me by the wrong name when she's angry and speaking really quickly and not thinking, but today she messed up while speaking neutrally... When I called her Tuesday night after the biopsy, she sounded extremely out of it, repeating herself and mixing up words and sounding like one would expect after having a bit of brain taken out of you.
I'm not sure how long that will last? And if it's worth it to keep correcting her if she's going to keep on forgetting for legit medical reasons? And, even, if it'll make her happier or more peaceful or whatever if I just let her call me whatever the hell she wants to, for however long she'll still be alive.
And then - oh god - the eventual funeral. I did go to my grandma's funeral in a suit, but that was more "butch" than "masculine," and obviously my voice (or name) hadn't changed yet...
To do tomorrow:
- call up hospital, question doctor (especially: type, specific location, size/stage)
- give info to bayoumaharajah to talk to her dad
- call up mother, find out if she's staying in the hospital or going home.
- call up florists, get flowers
- try not to kill anyone
BTW, here is the quotation I am going to put on the card of the flowers:
"Flowers grow out of dark moments.Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed." - Corita Kent
And, to consider:
- should I take a "mental health" day tomorrow? (go talk to my dean, etc)
- I don't know what else. I feel like there should be, though.