(no subject)
Reasons why I'm Really Excited to be Back Home:
--it means that I have absolutely no schoolwork to worry about right now
--I get to watch jeopardy and Shakespeare movies and be generally geeky with chiweforkgun (Und ich kann mit sie das Deutsche sprechen. Mit ein bisschen Franzozich. XD)
--I GET TO PLAY WITH ALL OF chiweforkgun'S DOGS (awww I missed them)
--I get to sing and be goofy with ankeelv2
--I get to give oldstarnewshine and my nonexistent sitcom audience more things to laugh at and reasons to ship us.
--I get to hang out with whatever other LHS people are around.
--I get to see flamecurl!!! (I wish I knew enough to speak Spanish to her orally. Oh well.)
--I get to make fun things like fanfic and other arts and crafts.
--I get to drive again. I actually really enjoy driving. Not necessarily in the snow (scary!) but highways on a dry day, I'm a speed demon (not really).
--I have my "coffee" mug. (It's a white mug that says "Coffee" on it. But it's bigger than all of my other mugs, which means MORE TEA.)
--I have access to a piano and am alone for most of the day, so I can sing and whatnot in the house.
--I can sleep in peace and not be bothered by the loud girls on my hall.
--I have the free time to begin thinking about hell week stuff! *grin*
--Access to car and stuff means I can do things like go and fix my computer.
So I'm at home. Yesterday wasn't too terrible. Mother tried to have a "So......... are you still emo?" conversation with me, but the car ride was ok besides that, much thanks to The Baseballs and Boston. ("Don't Look Back" and "Peace of Mind" particularly, both appropriate and amazing.) I went to chiweforkgun's and we went to see her sister and Paula in the NJ Greater Youth Orchestra, which was great. (Grieg, Holst, Tchaikovsky, Elgar... great programme.) Then we watched Branaugh's Hamlet and I stayed over and we went to bed at like 3am hah. And yeah, in terms of cast/acting only (SUCH BEAUTIFUL CINEMATOGRAPHY), I like SPT like 95% more than Branaugh... my two exceptions being Osric (because I love Robin Williams) and Hamlet (because Branaugh's crazy!Hamlet is hilarious and I enjoy that, esp in the "fishmonger" and "where is polonius" scenes). (Not to say that Rachael and Kathy aren't as good, 'cause they def. are, they're all just very different interpretations and I like them all.)
This afternoon, my mother and I had the first of what I'm sure will be several Talks. Insisting that I tell her every detail of my currently nonexistent plans for my time off, which leads into the "I'm gonna read numbers off to you and tell you how much money I spend on you, which is equivalent to how much I LOVE YOU" which leads into "YOU HAVE A LIFE AND I'M NOT A PART OF IT," by which time I'm so fucking sick I've tried my best to tune her out completely. Slowly, slowly, I've tried talking back to her. Which is effective in that it just gets her angrier, hah. There are several things she can't let go of, and they're so ingrained in her that I'm not sure how to confront them at all without getting into something I don't want to get into.
1. I am not her and we do not work in similar ways.
2. Family is not everything and even if it is, I would not define my family as the people I am related to.
3. There aren't any phases going on here.
4. Yes, my mental problems rose to the surface because of transitioning, but they go way beyond that.
5. Buying me shit will not make me like her, and materialism is a crappy way of showing love.
There was one point during the conversation where I had gotten really angry and spoke back (nothing all that mean, really, I was making tea... "You can't even look me in the eye when I'm talking to you!" "Because I don't want to be having this conversation." "Well when did you think we were going to have it??" "I was hoping never.") and then she paused and I was sure that she would break it by telling me to gtfo of the house, but she didn't. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed . Maybe I should write her a letter after all? Not sure at all how to write it. Fuck. Can't she just..... go away?
I'm just hoping I end up being able to do all that I'm planning to do over break. (All I'm reading, plus fanfics, plus other things, plus I still wanna do nanowrimo work...)
--it means that I have absolutely no schoolwork to worry about right now
--I get to watch jeopardy and Shakespeare movies and be generally geeky with chiweforkgun (Und ich kann mit sie das Deutsche sprechen. Mit ein bisschen Franzozich. XD)
--I GET TO PLAY WITH ALL OF chiweforkgun'S DOGS (awww I missed them)
--I get to sing and be goofy with ankeelv2
--I get to give oldstarnewshine and my nonexistent sitcom audience more things to laugh at and reasons to ship us.
--I get to hang out with whatever other LHS people are around.
--I get to see flamecurl!!! (I wish I knew enough to speak Spanish to her orally. Oh well.)
--I get to make fun things like fanfic and other arts and crafts.
--I get to drive again. I actually really enjoy driving. Not necessarily in the snow (scary!) but highways on a dry day, I'm a speed demon (not really).
--I have my "coffee" mug. (It's a white mug that says "Coffee" on it. But it's bigger than all of my other mugs, which means MORE TEA.)
--I have access to a piano and am alone for most of the day, so I can sing and whatnot in the house.
--I can sleep in peace and not be bothered by the loud girls on my hall.
--I have the free time to begin thinking about hell week stuff! *grin*
--Access to car and stuff means I can do things like go and fix my computer.
So I'm at home. Yesterday wasn't too terrible. Mother tried to have a "So......... are you still emo?" conversation with me, but the car ride was ok besides that, much thanks to The Baseballs and Boston. ("Don't Look Back" and "Peace of Mind" particularly, both appropriate and amazing.) I went to chiweforkgun's and we went to see her sister and Paula in the NJ Greater Youth Orchestra, which was great. (Grieg, Holst, Tchaikovsky, Elgar... great programme.) Then we watched Branaugh's Hamlet and I stayed over and we went to bed at like 3am hah. And yeah, in terms of cast/acting only (SUCH BEAUTIFUL CINEMATOGRAPHY), I like SPT like 95% more than Branaugh... my two exceptions being Osric (because I love Robin Williams) and Hamlet (because Branaugh's crazy!Hamlet is hilarious and I enjoy that, esp in the "fishmonger" and "where is polonius" scenes). (Not to say that Rachael and Kathy aren't as good, 'cause they def. are, they're all just very different interpretations and I like them all.)
This afternoon, my mother and I had the first of what I'm sure will be several Talks. Insisting that I tell her every detail of my currently nonexistent plans for my time off, which leads into the "I'm gonna read numbers off to you and tell you how much money I spend on you, which is equivalent to how much I LOVE YOU" which leads into "YOU HAVE A LIFE AND I'M NOT A PART OF IT," by which time I'm so fucking sick I've tried my best to tune her out completely. Slowly, slowly, I've tried talking back to her. Which is effective in that it just gets her angrier, hah. There are several things she can't let go of, and they're so ingrained in her that I'm not sure how to confront them at all without getting into something I don't want to get into.
1. I am not her and we do not work in similar ways.
2. Family is not everything and even if it is, I would not define my family as the people I am related to.
3. There aren't any phases going on here.
4. Yes, my mental problems rose to the surface because of transitioning, but they go way beyond that.
5. Buying me shit will not make me like her, and materialism is a crappy way of showing love.
There was one point during the conversation where I had gotten really angry and spoke back (nothing all that mean, really, I was making tea... "You can't even look me in the eye when I'm talking to you!" "Because I don't want to be having this conversation." "Well when did you think we were going to have it??" "I was hoping never.") and then she paused and I was sure that she would break it by telling me to gtfo of the house, but she didn't. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed . Maybe I should write her a letter after all? Not sure at all how to write it. Fuck. Can't she just..... go away?
I'm just hoping I end up being able to do all that I'm planning to do over break. (All I'm reading, plus fanfics, plus other things, plus I still wanna do nanowrimo work...)