Love is a Rollercoaster.
I hate myself. And yet, I can't help feel what I've been feeling toward her. I am ashamed to feel it, but I should have seen it coming. It's all my fault. I remember being told by someone more respectable and older than me that I fall in love easily... and, now that I've thought it over, it's true to an extent. Meaning, I seem to be more attached to someone after I have sex with them. I think that is the point when I might risk falling easily in love with them or not. Maybe it's because I haven't had a whole lot of experience in love and/or relationships that I tend to cling to whoever shows mutual interest in me once we've reached a certain point together and despite if we are partners or just lovers or just friends looking for comfort.
I just hope I can say the right things to her when the time comes when we are alone and relaxing and have the time to discuss such things. I just hope it goes well and doesn't make things more complicated. I do know my intention is not to beg her to be my girlfriend, because that is not the kind of "relationship" I want to be in with her. I want to be best friends and to do what friends do best; be there for each other and have good/bad experiences and learn from each other and not to mention have a good time together!! Even if that includes a little love making, ya know? I... am sooo worried she is gonna push me away if I tell her the feelings I have toward her. I don't want that to happen. Perhaps she already knows? I don't hide my feelings very well, but not everyone can read my mind... I am so confused and scared and ashamed. I promised her I wouldn't get jealous and clingy if she started having other lovers... but that's been happening within me, too... Although, it confuses me about why it has never bothered me before then.. and now it is? I'm trying to figure that out...
Perhaps I am making this all too big of a deal... or maybe not. I know it makes me feel better to face my problems and deal with them instead of bottling my emotions and hoping for the best. So, I assume It would be the right thing to at least let her know... because if we can communicate with one another, it might make things better. Communication hasn't failed me, yet. In most cases, it's saved the relationship/friendship... But I am hesitant because she is going through a lot of horrible shit and questioning, right now, and I don't want to add to her problems. Or, at least I don't know how she's gonna react/think/feel toward what I have to say to her about her and I...
Hopefully, the outcome will be that I seriously talk to her once finals week is over and we are in a place to actually have the time to communicate and relax. That she and I talk and we come to a reasonable solution and that we are on good terms and everything will be cool, ya know? I hope I can get my point across that I don't want to have a serious relationship. In short, it's just I have feelings for her and it's effecting me in such a way and I want her to at least know my story between her and I... and that I don't want it to complicate things between her and I... and that we should remain good friends and so on... Just some of things I might bring up to her in the conversation...
And yet... I find myself jealous of the people she clings to in an affectionate way... I find myself thinking about her... I find myself missing her... but I don't want this all to complicate things. I just wanna be awesome friends with her and everything will be cool... but, I hate myself. And yet, I can't help feel what I've been feeling toward her. I am ashamed to feel it, but I should have seen it coming. It's all my fault....