(no subject)
After all the time and effort and EVERYTHING I put into this, this is what I get? Seriously??? Seriously. Someone remind me not to do that again, because that makes it worse. I'm not sure I've ever put so much into anything before, except maybe MCing. I tried really hard to be a really, really good girlfriend. Apparently, that was not enough. I made him home-made thin mint cookies, and took him to Hot Chip, and dealt with sitting around with his friends complacently while he hung out with them and ignored me, and I made him that paddle, and got him really good, thoughtful gifts, and held his hand and rubbed his back and told him it was going to be ok when he started having a mini-seizure on the metro, and drove him all over the place, and dropped EVERYTHING I was doing whenever he wanted me to or needed me to, and made him care packages before he went on job interviews, and randomly got him his favorite soda and candy, and made him a really awesome card for his birthday, and CLEANED HIS ROOM FOR HIM SOMETIMES, and made him dinner, and loved him with every part of me, and so much more. I guess I don't comprehend how I failed at this when I tried so hard.
And there was SO MUCH we had planned to do that we never did. We even had a list, and he kept adding things to it up through the end of last week... like going to New York, and the zoo, and Cheesecake Factory, and Mayorga, and the Perk, and going to more concerts, and drinking together again, and watching a bunch of movies, and ALSKDJALKVNWOIALSKDFA.
GOD this sucks. I'm trying REALLY HARD to be classy like he said I am and take it like a champ but it is SO HARD when I know that it will be forever and a day (so, never) before I am over this, because he was my first true, true love, and you never. Ever. Get over that, or forget that, or anything.
Next week I need to start hitting the gym, I will hopefully be eating more by then so I'll have the energy. And then band starts, and I've never been more excited to be exhaustingly busy and drained, because that kind of drained has to be far better than the kind I am right now.
I kinda don't want to go home this weekend because home makes me all kinds of depressed anyway, but home will probably mean retail theraphy with my mom, and that's always a good thing. I also don't want to go to OC. I just went to OC with Ben about a month ago. That'll be sure to pull up some memories and tears. GAH. I HATE THIS.