Why AA/CA/NA meetings are bullshit, kthanks.
So i've been clean for 4 years now. I have no idea the exact day, I haven't been counting the days and ticking them off on my calender. But I do know that the last time I did drugs was in Sprott house when I was 21. It's pretty neat and I have come so incredibly far. For the past few months I have hardly drank, and for the past year I drank heavily when I was drinking, but it was limited to once a week at most. I accomplished this mostly all on my own and I have been through the hardest year of my life dealing with indian fuckheads and weird soy ball eating slobs... and difficult financial situations, as well as tons of changes to my habits and schedule. And through it all I came out stronger, did it on my own (mostly, I give Zeus tons of credit too) and I am sure I would be able to help people that go to these meetings.
Unfortunately, it's not people like me who attend these things. Perhaps some do, but the fact that I personally know my worst ex is so into these things and is apparently speaking or something (said Vinnie when we were talking about why Michelle couldnt make it out with us on a certain day) just makes me lose hope in the whole thing. This dude doesn't know what it is like to have it hard while addicted to drugs. Sure he did drugs with me in that depressing basement but when I was having the counselor Anthony come over to counsel me, geoff would ask to sit in and talk too. Okay fine. But then Anthony suggested I go to detox. Me, not him. geoff ASKED if he could go as well. Of course Anthony said yes. So then we each go to seperate ones. He of course has a ball and is loving this shit while I struggle. He was probably excited to have something to do lol. So then we start going to meetings, he loves it, I struggle again. I find out from others that he LIES in these meetings. Tries to make himself sound worse than he is. Says he would be out partying allll night long doing drugs. LOLOL - Everyone who knew him knows that he would never come despite me begging him to at the time. Actually some friends and I had a laugh about this a while ago. Everyone knows. Anyhow, I also found out from one of his closest friends that he made a BIG LIE, saying he SOLD HIMSELF FOR DRUGS ALL THE TIME, AS IN GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS FOR DRUGS. He is seriously an insane person for saying that. How do I know this to be true? We lived together and were on welfare and were together 24/7. CONSTANTLYYY. There was absolutely no possible way. Plus he is like almost shorter than me so there is no way his butthole could accomodate that at age 16 or whatever. I know this from years of experience before finally being able to satisfy my most recent ex. This means I have tried with 3 people over a number of years. OH IN FACT, one time he ripped his own asshole taking a shit. True story because he told me about it much to my dismay and asked for a fucking bandaid. LOL ew!!.
MOVING QUICKLY ON...
So yeah, apparently he did all these things for drugs when he wasnt even using very much. Sure he used every day but not much. It never got that desperate for him at all. He has no fucking idea what it feels like. So la dee dah, he goes to AA and is forever clean and preaching about it for years to come.
In the meantime, I was ordered from day program to go into overnight detox and rehab as I was having a lot of trouble staying clean during day program while geoff was having the time of his life, easily staying clean and going to the program he requested. I left overnight detox after 1 night, struggled through rehab, I wanted so desperately to get off drugs but it was so hard and sometimes I even questioned whether I was an "addict" meanwhile I was shooting up in rehab and getting away with it for the most part. I went to day program twice, rehab at Alwood, then Homestead twice, and Ingles for a year. During Alwood I managed to do drugs with another girl while we were in the middle of nowhere (literally there were cows across the street) and we were monitered 24 hours of the day and get thoroughly searched when we come in. Ingles I somehow managed to drink on overnights and ended up shooting K in bed every night until I graduated, then continued to do it in my new place. Oh I should mention... in all rehabs they test your urine on a regular basis, so I had to go through some trouble to try to seem clean. Anyway, then I got into shooting Heroin and that is a whole other horrible beast, WORSE compared to every other addiction (besides crack, I wouldnt know as I never tried it). And it took me a good 2 years but I finally got clean and without meetings or rehab.
SO, as someone who has been through that, if I used meetings, imagine what kind of punishment it would be to hear someone in geoff's position try to talk to someone such as myself about how to stay clean. It makes NOOO SENSE. How could he have the audacity to tell anyone that he has been there and this is what helped him, when clearly he does not have the answers or experience. Only someone who has been there or knew at least VAGUELY what it was like can offer anything meaningful. It would be like me trying to speak with like a recent amputee, saying "hey you can live life and be happy, I do it all the time! This is how I do things and you should try it as it works for me!" It's an insult.
It isn't helpful to know that people like to make themselves seem worse than they were (It's called war stories and yes there is an actual name for that shit as it is an ACTUAL CONDITION THAT FOR SOME REASON HAPPENS IN MEETINGS.) Now what the eff does that say about meetings? That people are trying to outdo each other by trying to seem worse off? It creates more geoffs and nobody needs that there. Also it is bloody weird. I only wish I never spent so much of my life doing the same thing, trying to get better and ending up worse. I SO wish my story was different, that I went to day program for 28 days and never looked back again. So it angers me when people who were like that try to make themselves sound worse off and try to portray that they came so far from what they were, and look how much they have accomplished since then and take credit for coming doing such a great job when it's all a huge lie. People who have real problems don't need help from fake people like that. They need a real person's experience who had real struggles and knew how it felt so be so desperate or sick or alienated or close to death or have so fucking many friends overdose and die... and then eventually managed to overcome it.
End of rant.
Unfortunately, it's not people like me who attend these things. Perhaps some do, but the fact that I personally know my worst ex is so into these things and is apparently speaking or something (said Vinnie when we were talking about why Michelle couldnt make it out with us on a certain day) just makes me lose hope in the whole thing. This dude doesn't know what it is like to have it hard while addicted to drugs. Sure he did drugs with me in that depressing basement but when I was having the counselor Anthony come over to counsel me, geoff would ask to sit in and talk too. Okay fine. But then Anthony suggested I go to detox. Me, not him. geoff ASKED if he could go as well. Of course Anthony said yes. So then we each go to seperate ones. He of course has a ball and is loving this shit while I struggle. He was probably excited to have something to do lol. So then we start going to meetings, he loves it, I struggle again. I find out from others that he LIES in these meetings. Tries to make himself sound worse than he is. Says he would be out partying allll night long doing drugs. LOLOL - Everyone who knew him knows that he would never come despite me begging him to at the time. Actually some friends and I had a laugh about this a while ago. Everyone knows. Anyhow, I also found out from one of his closest friends that he made a BIG LIE, saying he SOLD HIMSELF FOR DRUGS ALL THE TIME, AS IN GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS FOR DRUGS. He is seriously an insane person for saying that. How do I know this to be true? We lived together and were on welfare and were together 24/7. CONSTANTLYYY. There was absolutely no possible way. Plus he is like almost shorter than me so there is no way his butthole could accomodate that at age 16 or whatever. I know this from years of experience before finally being able to satisfy my most recent ex. This means I have tried with 3 people over a number of years. OH IN FACT, one time he ripped his own asshole taking a shit. True story because he told me about it much to my dismay and asked for a fucking bandaid. LOL ew!!.
MOVING QUICKLY ON...
So yeah, apparently he did all these things for drugs when he wasnt even using very much. Sure he used every day but not much. It never got that desperate for him at all. He has no fucking idea what it feels like. So la dee dah, he goes to AA and is forever clean and preaching about it for years to come.
In the meantime, I was ordered from day program to go into overnight detox and rehab as I was having a lot of trouble staying clean during day program while geoff was having the time of his life, easily staying clean and going to the program he requested. I left overnight detox after 1 night, struggled through rehab, I wanted so desperately to get off drugs but it was so hard and sometimes I even questioned whether I was an "addict" meanwhile I was shooting up in rehab and getting away with it for the most part. I went to day program twice, rehab at Alwood, then Homestead twice, and Ingles for a year. During Alwood I managed to do drugs with another girl while we were in the middle of nowhere (literally there were cows across the street) and we were monitered 24 hours of the day and get thoroughly searched when we come in. Ingles I somehow managed to drink on overnights and ended up shooting K in bed every night until I graduated, then continued to do it in my new place. Oh I should mention... in all rehabs they test your urine on a regular basis, so I had to go through some trouble to try to seem clean. Anyway, then I got into shooting Heroin and that is a whole other horrible beast, WORSE compared to every other addiction (besides crack, I wouldnt know as I never tried it). And it took me a good 2 years but I finally got clean and without meetings or rehab.
SO, as someone who has been through that, if I used meetings, imagine what kind of punishment it would be to hear someone in geoff's position try to talk to someone such as myself about how to stay clean. It makes NOOO SENSE. How could he have the audacity to tell anyone that he has been there and this is what helped him, when clearly he does not have the answers or experience. Only someone who has been there or knew at least VAGUELY what it was like can offer anything meaningful. It would be like me trying to speak with like a recent amputee, saying "hey you can live life and be happy, I do it all the time! This is how I do things and you should try it as it works for me!" It's an insult.
It isn't helpful to know that people like to make themselves seem worse than they were (It's called war stories and yes there is an actual name for that shit as it is an ACTUAL CONDITION THAT FOR SOME REASON HAPPENS IN MEETINGS.) Now what the eff does that say about meetings? That people are trying to outdo each other by trying to seem worse off? It creates more geoffs and nobody needs that there. Also it is bloody weird. I only wish I never spent so much of my life doing the same thing, trying to get better and ending up worse. I SO wish my story was different, that I went to day program for 28 days and never looked back again. So it angers me when people who were like that try to make themselves sound worse off and try to portray that they came so far from what they were, and look how much they have accomplished since then and take credit for coming doing such a great job when it's all a huge lie. People who have real problems don't need help from fake people like that. They need a real person's experience who had real struggles and knew how it felt so be so desperate or sick or alienated or close to death or have so fucking many friends overdose and die... and then eventually managed to overcome it.
End of rant.